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#681928 - 04/28/11 03:11 AM is there any support for people like me?
laylaaaa Offline
Newbie

Registered: 04/28/11
Posts: 1
I'm 19, and my pregnancy was unplanned. But I felt like an expectant mother, not a statistic. I thought that was how I was supposed to feel...very much in love with my unborn child. I'm just finding that there's no support after my miscarriage... NONE. When I was told at my 8 week ultrasound that I had a blighted ovum, my doctor didn't treat it as a sad event. No one explained what this even meant - I was just told to expect a miscarriage and to save the tissue in a ziploc bag. Just the thought of that made me cry, but the doctor told me that it was "for the best" that I had miscarried and said I would have to call with any questions, since she was behind schedule. As I left, crying, a nurse stopped me and said "that's great! it's the best thing that could have happened" and gave me a hug. A week later, my OB's office called me (left a message) and told me nonchalantly that I probably had a molar pregnancy... a more serious medical condition that would require me to have a D&C immediately. They had already scheduled it. I was in such a blur at this point that I didn't ask any questions. I woke up from the procedure crying, a nurse told me that "it would have been so much worse if I'd actually wanted the baby" I'm so confused... I didn't want A baby but I wanted MY baby. Now I feel like there's just a hole... but everyone seems to think I dodged a bullet and my only option for counseling is a therapy group of TTC women who won't look at me and discuss having more babies like it's their only hope. To make matters worse, I still have follow-up appointments because the mole seems to be invasive, and I'm at risk for cancer. Sitting in the waiting room with pregnant women and newborn babies is killing me, but no one seems to get it. Is there anyone out there who understands why Im sad? Or am I being selfish?

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#681931 - 04/28/11 04:00 AM Re: is there any support for people like me? [Re: laylaaaa]
Connie - ADD/Sandwiches Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee

Registered: 10/03/10
Posts: 7230
Loc: Kansas USA
Laylaaaa, you are probably right. None of us can really understand just how you feel. Your situation is unique to your life. I can say that it does not sound the least bit selfish to want people to understand that you feel terribly sad and hurt by your miscarriage. You have needs that must be considered.

I am so sorry that this had to happen to you. It must be scary thinking about the mole that could be invasive. That is a lot to have on your mind when you are 19 and grieving for a lost child.

I think you should evaluate your medical team's responses to you in your time of crisis. If this mole is going to require long-term observation, make sure that you have a team that suits your needs.

Please know that you have come to a caring community of people at the Miscarriage site on BellaOnline. You can ask questions, vent, cry, and say what you need to say. People will listen. That's what BellaOnline is like.

You are in our thoughts,
Connie
_________________________
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#681932 - 04/28/11 04:04 AM Re: is there any support for people like me? [Re: laylaaaa]
AnneE Offline
Amoeba

Registered: 05/05/07
Posts: 89
I understand why you are sad. When you learn that you are pregnant, your mind starts fast-forwarding to the concept of having your baby. Even if you are in a situation that is problematic, you were already finding positives and becoming attached to the idea of being a mother. And so your loss is real. You lost the life together with a new baby that you had been creating in your mind and you are grieving that loss, but no one is telling you how sorry they are about your loss.

You should have some kind of support. Not only are you suffering a real loss, but your hormones are probably out of whack from the pregnancy as well. I'm trying to think of where exactly you could get support though. Do you have any counseling services available to you?

I'm not a professional health care or mental health person, but I did become pregnant with first child at age 20 when unmarried. It is easy for me to relate. My oldest son was born just before my 21st birthday, so I was not that much older than you are.

Be sure to post here again. Think about any possible counseling resources you have through school, health insurance, your church, simply a non-judgemental friend, especially a mom.

Good luck. Please accept my cyber-hug and I am sorry for your loss.
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#681933 - 04/28/11 04:09 AM Re: is there any support for people like me? [Re: Connie - ADD/Sandwiches]
AnneE Offline
Amoeba

Registered: 05/05/07
Posts: 89
Originally Posted By: Connie from ADD
...I think you should evaluate your medical team's responses to you in your time of crisis. If this mole is going to require long-term observation, make sure that you have a team that suits your needs.

...

You are in our thoughts,
Connie


Connie is right. Though she says it more politely than I would. Your medical team has really fallen short in how they have treated you. I would definitely consider other options for medical treatment in the future. Ask other women (young or old) who their ob/gyn doctor is and if they like them.
_________________________
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#682669 - 04/30/11 11:37 PM Re: is there any support for people like me? [Re: AnneE]
kileyjo9 Offline
Newbie

Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 7
Loc: Nebraska, USA
Im so sorry for your loss, and the way your clinic treated you is unacceptable. I was pregnant with my 1st child at 20, and if they said those things to me then I dont think I would go back there again. I hope you get the support you need, and at the very least, feel free to vent in forums like this one online. They seem to really help me cope. I lost a little girl last month at 16 weeks, and for me it helps to talk about it, and become more comfortable with the fact that you have had this loss. I dont know what I would do if I had to bottle it all up inside. I hope things get better for you. Lots of hugs, Kiley

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