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#673885 - 03/30/11 08:30 AM Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage?
audreyb Offline
Newbie

Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington
I'm not sure if this topic has already been canvassed on here, I'm new to this site. My husband and I have an almost two year old little girl, and this past year we decided to try and conceive again. After about five months we finally got a positive on a home pregnancy test, but I started to bleed a week later, and several tests came up negative. We went to the er and were told there was nothing they could do. After about five days of bleeding and almost no clotting I was in severe pain and we went back. This time they ran a blood test and said it was negative, gave me a prescription for ibuprofen, and sent us back home. It didn't feel like a miscarriage, since there was almost no tissue passed, and lighter bleeding than even my lightest period. Our doctor back home told us that my next period should begin about the same time that this miscarriage did, however it's been a couple weeks since that should have happened, no cramps, no bloating, nothing. My husband's family is very religious, and I am an atheist. They keep saying things like, 'It was God's will' and 'Your baby is an angel now' and I just want to scream. I understand my mother in law needs to find a reason for this to have happened to us, and is grieving in her own way, but it feels so heartless, and she is the type of woman that if I ask her to shut her mouth, however politely I may word it, she will shut down and stop talking to our family. I'm having a really hard time coping with this, and my husband never wants to talk about it. I'm far away from home and my friends, and I just don't know how to let go of this baby, especially with being told repeatedly about how God will let us have another child when he thinks we are ready for it. I just don't know what to do.

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#674490 - 04/01/11 06:06 PM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: audreyb]
Angela J. Shirley Offline
Tiger

Registered: 07/22/10
Posts: 6412
Hi audreyb:

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and no one can predict how long and how you will heal after such a loss. I would like to suggest that you keep posting to this forum if you feel like talking and also try to seek some couselling. A child can NEVER be forgotten or replaced. We are ALWAYS here for you.

Originally Posted By: audreyb
I'm not sure if this topic has already been canvassed on here, I'm new to this site. My husband and I have an almost two year old little girl, and this past year we decided to try and conceive again. After about five months we finally got a positive on a home pregnancy test, but I started to bleed a week later, and several tests came up negative. We went to the er and were told there was nothing they could do. After about five days of bleeding and almost no clotting I was in severe pain and we went back. This time they ran a blood test and said it was negative, gave me a prescription for ibuprofen, and sent us back home.

It didn't feel like a miscarriage, since there was almost no tissue passed, and lighter bleeding than even my lightest period. Our doctor back home told us that my next period should begin about the same time that this miscarriage did, however it's been a couple weeks since that should have happened, no cramps, no bloating, nothing. My husband's family is very religious, and I am an atheist. They keep saying things like, 'It was God's will' and 'Your baby is an angel now' and I just want to scream. I understand my mother in law needs to find a reason for this to have happened to us, and is grieving in her own way, but it feels so heartless, and she is the type of woman that if I ask her to shut her mouth, however politely I may word it, she will shut down and stop talking to our family.

I'm having a really hard time coping with this, and my husband never wants to talk about it. I'm far away from home and my friends, and I just don't know how to let go of this baby, especially with being told repeatedly about how God will let us have another child when he thinks we are ready for it.

I just don't know what to do.
_________________________
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#675308 - 04/04/11 08:18 PM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: Angela J. Shirley]
audreyb Offline
Newbie

Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington
Thanks, my husband has finally come around a bit. He has started screening calls, so I don't have to listen to unwanted scripture and the like. He's also contacted a couple of counselors through the Army now, to see what there is available to help me cope with this better.

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#675314 - 04/04/11 08:42 PM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: audreyb]
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 2686
Loc: Orange, CA USA
As one who has suffered the loss of a child (and will lose yet another), I can tell you that people are inept at dealing with death, grieving and how to help others during this difficult period.

You're absolutely correct in saying that people grieve in their own ways. That is why it is so hard to know which words will comfort and which words will offend. The same sentiment can be healing to one, wounding to another.

I've been on both sides of the grieving fence. When I was hurt, no words provided relief from the pain. Any attempt only seemed to make the pain worse. When I tried to console someone else, I felt utterly helpless. Even just embracing and holding the other person seemed to get in the way of her own healing process because grief and sorrow are solitary feelings.

No one can know your pain. Not in the way you are feeling it.

It takes a lot of decorum to be able to show patience, tolerance and forgiveness to those who step on our toes during this horrible time. Your religious in-laws are trying in the only way they know how to help. But because you are atheist, they really should be told to withhold the religious precepts when offering condolences to you. Have your husband gently remind them that now is not the time to express the God has taken your baby.

They say these things because it is the only way they know how to deal with their grief. They also are ignorant when it comes to helping others find God.

Screening call is a good thing. Grief counseling is a good thing.
Coming here is a good thing.

Your own resilient mind will find a way to make sense or deal with the pain and loss. It is a biological and psychological defense mechanism--to preserve itself--and it will cope as time passes. I wish I could tell you that you'll get over it, but you won't. A mother just doesn't get over the loss of her baby. I'm sorry but it is the truth. You will learn how to keep breathing, keep caring for your daughter, keep seeing the sun rise and fall each day. You'll learn how to smile and laugh again. But there will be a secret pain in your heart. You will learn to live with it.

I finally put my pain in a little box that I keep in my heart. I do my best to focus on living because that is what I was left behind to complete. But every now and then, I take out my little box and feel the pain again because I miss my little boy so much. I cry and I miss him and I wish I were with him. But then, I put it back in the box and tuck it back in my heart where I will carry it with me for the rest of my life.

I do this to preserve my sanity. And so I do not rob my surviving children of myself. And to show them how to carry on in spite of life's painful episodes. If I didn't show them how to carry on, they too would dissolve in their grief.

Don't worry about how you will cope over time. Simply get through each day, one day at a time. Do something to preserve your memory of your baby, perhaps wearing a special locket, etc. And then focus on doing things that make you and your child laugh and enjoy the day.

As an atheist, you do not believe in God but do you have any beliefs about an afterlife? Just curious.




Edited by Lori Chidori - Marriage (04/04/11 08:43 PM)
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#675520 - 04/05/11 05:53 PM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: Lori - Marriage]
Angela J. Shirley Offline
Tiger

Registered: 07/22/10
Posts: 6412
Lori:

I am so sorry for your loss and upcoming loss frown

Aubreyb:

You are welcome and we are here for you smile
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#675871 - 04/07/11 09:13 AM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: Angela J. Shirley]
audreyb Offline
Newbie

Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington
I'm starting to feel more like myself now. I went and saw a counselor, and immediately after shut off my phone. I put away my computer, and hid the remote to the TV. I've been spending a lot of time with our daughter, and shutting out the rest of the world, but I feel like I can finally interact with people without sobbing uncontrollably or mood swings. I'm not sure what I believe about an afterlife at this point Lori. Part of me hopes that something happens, but the logical side of me says people just cease to exist. I used to have a very strong faith in Christianity, but not any longer. We named our baby, and my husband has asked that instead of referring to our baby as an angel, that his parents would use the name we have chosen if they bring it up any longer. His mother called him today to apologize for offending me, even though I knew that wasn't her intention. We're still discussing when we will try again.

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#675931 - 04/07/11 05:43 PM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: audreyb]
Angela J. Shirley Offline
Tiger

Registered: 07/22/10
Posts: 6412
Hi audreyb, I am so GLAD you went to see a counselor. Too many times we need to and just do not. With some in laws, they try to hang on to their kids. I was married to one and had to learn the hard way to "work" on MY relationship with the son and let him HANDLE his parents. In my case, I LOVED his dad but his mom!!! Yikes..

We are here for you smile


Originally Posted By: audreyb
I'm starting to feel more like myself now. I went and saw a counselor, and immediately after shut off my phone. I put away my computer, and hid the remote to the TV. I've been spending a lot of time with our daughter, and shutting out the rest of the world, but I feel like I can finally interact with people without sobbing uncontrollably or mood swings.

I'm not sure what I believe about an afterlife at this point Lori. Part of me hopes that something happens, but the logical side of me says people just cease to exist. I used to have a very strong faith in Christianity, but not any longer.

We named our baby, and my husband has asked that instead of referring to our baby as an angel, that his parents would use the name we have chosen if they bring it up any longer. His mother called him today to apologize for offending me, even though I knew that wasn't her intention.

We're still discussing when we will try again.
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#676571 - 04/09/11 05:07 AM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: Angela J. Shirley]
audreyb Offline
Newbie

Registered: 03/30/11
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington
Hi Angela, I'm glad I went to a counselor too. My husband just didn't know how to cope with my crying all over the place, and he didn't know how to ask his mom to drop the subject of religion. I'd go through days where I thought I had come to terms with it, but I was feeling guilty, and didn't know how to handle that and be a good wife and mom at the same time. I will probably still cry sometimes but I don't feel like I have to hide it anymore, and I'm slowly starting to be able to let go of the shame and guilt I felt for grieving our baby. His mom will always baby him somewhat, and the counselor brought up the fact that he needs to be more assertive and be able to tell her that our family is our family. If we reach out for support, okay, but he needs to tell her that she doesn't need to nose in. He's starting to create boundaries, and make her aware of them, but we'll still be working on it for sometime. Since he asked her to butt out, she's been a lot easier to cope with. I just needed the daily calls to stop.

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#676634 - 04/09/11 04:50 PM Re: Dealing with in laws and a miscarriage? [Re: audreyb]
Angela J. Shirley Offline
Tiger

Registered: 07/22/10
Posts: 6412
I am so glad to hear that he is working with you. My ex husband did not, and I had to hit the door. We are here if you need us.
Originally Posted By: audreyb
Hi Angela, I'm glad I went to a counselor too. My husband just didn't know how to cope with my crying all over the place, and he didn't know how to ask his mom to drop the subject of religion. I'd go through days where I thought I had come to terms with it, but I was feeling guilty, and didn't know how to handle that and be a good wife and mom at the same time.

I will probably still cry sometimes but I don't feel like I have to hide it anymore, and I'm slowly starting to be able to let go of the shame and guilt I felt for grieving our baby.

His mom will always baby him somewhat, and the counselor brought up the fact that he needs to be more assertive and be able to tell her that our family is our family. If we reach out for support, okay, but he needs to tell her that she doesn't need to nose in. He's starting to create boundaries, and make her aware of them, but we'll still be working on it for sometime. Since he asked her to butt out, she's been a lot easier to cope with. I just needed the daily calls to stop.
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