BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting New Stepmother - Preteenaged Boy

My husband and I have been married for two years. I am now turning 22 and he is turning 30 soon. We eloped pretty quickly into the relationship and I didn't know he had a son until a few months into our marriage. Granted, he was never sure that he was the father until we received child support documents from the state of Nevada. He finally got in contact with his son and his son's mother and they (my husband and his son) are going to start building a relationship. His son is going to visit us for a week in April. I'm just not sure what my role is supposed to be in this process. His son is turning 12 this year and I'm just turning 22! My husband had a horrible childhood and I have this need to take care of people who are close to me... so, I think part of me has always wished I could comfort that side of my husband. I'm excited that this is kind of my chance, because I know that his son and his mother aren't very well off. But then I realize that my husband is a FATHER and I was not planning on being a mother for 8 years or so. I don't want to sound like I'm going to leave my husband... I just don't know what I should expect and I'm not sure what my boundaries are. He doesn't even know his son and I don't want to bombard their time together. Do any of you have advice or have you experienced a similar situation? As you can tell, I'm just very lost. I can't even articulate my emotions on this subject.

Another note, I'm already wanting to buy clothes and things for his son, Jered, but I'm not sure if this is appropriate. My husband is just getting into contact with his own father and has said that he never appreciated "being bought" when he was Jered's age. I'm not trying to buy him, I'm just kind of excited. We are extremely comfortable for our age and since we don't have children together, so I know I might be going overboard in this initial excitement. I don't want to push my fantasies of having a hip son to run around with on this kid that neither of us really know.

Hi CPBonner,

I feel your frustrations and I do understand. Please be patient, you are having all the right emotions. I first think that you should speak with you husband on the matter and let him know just how you feel (be gentle). I am not sure how deep your marriage goes with your husband but be fair about your feelings of being the supportive wife. I think that because even your husband is still new to this process both of you are feeling somewhat of the same but not feelings. Communication is the best policy in a marriage. Your husband should let you know how supportive he'll need you to be and if he does not you then need to make mention of this (be gentle). You don't want this to be a dispute between the both of you. It will all work out. The relationship that occurs will be touch and go with you and your stepson as well as with his dad so be patient. The son is also new at this.

I am a mother of four children and I share custody with my ex-husband I also remarried, so my husband is my childrens stepfather. I have been married to my husband for four years and he is still working through being a stepfather, he has never had children but he was up for the task. He loves them a great deal, sometimes he tends to do to much for them but they love him. This was a growing process, I had to let them know that he was not taking any ones place but that we could learn to work through some things. It worked and now they are crazy about him. Respect and Communication was the key to everything. Let me know how this works for you!

TCW, Thanks so much for your response. I really appreciate your advice. I've decided to support my husband in this endeavor and I'm excited to move forward. I still, of course, have certain fears, but I know that I'm ready to do this. His son has been very receptive to this whole thing and I am glad that my husband will now take an active role in his life. I am sure that it'll be awhile until I meet Jered and until then I will do my best to support my husband. We have spoken about what I may need during this process and my husband has been very considerate as well. I suppose we'll just see how this adventure plays out. Again, thank you so much. I honestly feel a little more comfortable with the whole situation. I'll post more once this all progresses!

Hi CPBonner...
I'd love to hear how this new development is progressing. It will be a major adjustment for everyone and your optimism and willingness to be supportive are a very good start. I would suggest that you all take it slow and keep your expectations at a minimum until you get to know one another. Sometimes we rush things and end up disappointed when the situation turns out differently than we anticipated.
The strength and maturity of your marriage will be tested by the sudden presence of this young man in your lives. I wish you the very best and hope you will find the step parenting articles and forum discussions to be valuable as you move forward.

Well, I suppose I should add a little history into this post. My husband went to prison when he was 19 and ended up spending 9 years there. He and I met towards the end of that sentence through a work program. We come from considerably different backgrounds- my family is extremely educated. His family was pretty well off when he was very young, but his mother became addicted to meth amphetamines. She and her husband were very abusive as he started to get older and he grew into this... unsavory character. We met eventually, he cleaned up and beat the odds. I've never met the person that he was; all I know now is that he is brilliant and kind. I think the reason that I am so open to welcoming this boy into our life together is because I want him to have different opportunities than my husband had- or even didn't take advantage of. Now, I feel like this story gets a new plot twist every week. My husband, Sid, and I sent clothes for Jered and when he received them, his ex called to thank us. I suppose he must have been a horrible person, because she was nearly in tears. She said that by this simple gesture, she knew that he had changed and was so happy that he had kept his promise. She also said that she's moving from Las Vegas, NV to Michigan over the summer and isn't sure if she'll be stable there and was wondering if we would consider taking him for the next school year. I'm completely shocked. At first, she wasn't sure if she was comfortable sending him out for spring break and now she wants to send him for a whole year? I am okay with this, but I just don't get it. I know that she was addicted to meth at one point, but I'm not sure when or if it stopped. Maybe she really needs a break, or some help, or maybe she has been looking for a way out for awhile now. What if Jered wants to stay with us after the year ends? What if she doesn't want him back? How will Jered feel about this? If she really is trying to get rid of him, will he feel abandoned? I am 22 years old. I've babysat and I love children- I work at a high school and I know every single student by name, but I have never had to be a full-time mother. I'm not planning on having children of my own until maybe 28. I have decided that I'm going to stick through any and all of these situations, but I'm definitely scared. Our whole lifestyle is about to change completely. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but it's true. We can't stay out late, go barhopping or even have sex as freely. I'm not at all a wild child, but I'm young! Don't get me wrong because I do believe I'm ready to make the change and I know we have some time before to transition... I'm just nervous. I want my children to have the best environment possible and part of me is scared that I won't succeed in giving that to Jered. I suppose we'll see. I told Sid, "You haven't been there for the past 10 years, so you might as well be there for the next 10." We will, of course, be there after that as well. I really wish I could take this slowly, but it's obvious now that it'll progress much more quickly than I had anticipated. I imagine that my situation is uncommon, but I would appreciate all of your advice- be it legal or emotional.

Dear CP...
I am amazed at your maturity for 22 years of age. Your common sense, compassion and empathy will serve you well in the step parenting arena.

I sincerely hope that the spring-break visit is intended for you to get to know one another and not an automatic decision that he will stay. All of the "what-ifs" in your post are viable and deserve recognition, family discussion and a plan. My heart goes out to your husband who is likely overwhelmed...and to you whose entire life is changing course. But mostly to the boy whose mother is willing to ship him off, indefinitely, to people neither she nor he even know. If you are questioning her motives and reliability, you are wise to do so.
My initial suggestion about taking it slow, remains. You are also the parents of this young man now. You are charged with making decisions that are intelligent and well thought out. Quick arrangements proposed by someone else can easily lead to expectations, regret and broken promises.
The fact that you and your husband want to love and care for this child is a wonderful beginning. To do it well will require strength in your marriage and shared vision in your plan. I strongly recommend that you and he be the ones to decide when and how you are best able to achieve this. I really like the dictum which says "first do no harm". I believe it speaks to the idea of doing nothing until you are reasonably certain of your course.
I am hoping for blessings as you grow in love for this child and prepare for your new life as a family. Please check out the articles on this site as they may help guide your path.

CP,

I am also amazed at your maturity for your age. You are having an early journey through life at a very young age and I think you are doing a good job.

Don't make the mistakes I did. Do not go out and buy anything. Do not laugh too loud do not show too much emotion. This by far is a situation where you need to step lightly..... it sucks I know. For the first meeting. If I were you I would just take a step back and let things happen. This child will not just take to you he will not accept you. Don't make the mistake I did the first time I met my step daughter... just tell yourself that the rejection has nothing to do with you as a person. It is a situation the child is in. I made the mistake of inserting myself thinking this will be cake my daughter and I are so close and all her friends love me... WOW did I get cake in the face. I am now redirecting myself to this child may never like me or accept me but I myself to the fact that that's okay it doesn't make me any less of a mother if she never accepts me.

Thank you again for all of your advice. I should retract what I said earlier- about not being able to handle this slowly- because I know now that I definitely must take this slowly. Things seemed to rush in so quickly and I was prepared to jump in after it, then all of sudden, everything just stopped. The mother, maybe understandably, seems so temperamental. She said that Jered could visit during Spring Break, but changed her mind. She wanted Jered to live with us next year, but again, changed her mind. She told her grandparents that my husband is trying to cut her out of the picture completely and now they think he's still some street punk. I can sort of understand where the mother is coming from, I'm sure that she is threatened by the fact that Jered has welcomed Sid so readily into his life. Maybe she's frustrated because she's ugly now and my husband is still good-looking. She called him at 2 AM once to ask if he remembered when he did a keg stand. So, I am starting to wonder if the hostility also sprouts from his rejection. She said she wants to hang out for a day or so to see if he's really changed- he's not into that idea at all. I'm inexperienced in this whole "baby mama drama" thing, but I'm pretty sure that would be weird. I'm trying not to be so hateful, but I can't help but be territorial sometimes. I understand that it must be difficult to be a single mother and to see the guy that was supposed to be the screw-up doing so well. If this wasn't overwhelming enough, I did some mental detective work and realized that the child he mentioned before we started dating is not the same age as Jered. So, I confronted him and asked if there was the possibility of another child. He just said that I "don't have anything to worry about". He was probably just talking out of his [censored] when he told me about this kid before we got together, but if it turns out to be true- I don't think I could handle it. I can be a bit melodramatic at times, but I'm already having difficulty imagining my first child to be his second. I'm almost certain that I am unwilling to have my first child be his third. I don't want to be insensitive, but even this is too much drama for me. I guess this is the part you don't imagine in the whole 'bad boy' fantasy. I love my husband so much. I want to be supportive, but I feel so lost in this whole ordeal. The more that time passes, the more I realize just how young I am and just how much I have not accomplished, yet. I try to hide my immaturity, but it seeped out in that last paragraph. I'm scared that I won't be able to do the things that I want to do... or maybe I'm overly attention-seeking and my spotlight is being threatened. I suppose it's time for me to grow up and I decided to get married, so I should deal with the consequences. I agreed to love every part of him, good and bad. I think this post makes me sound bipolar, but often times, I am my own therapist. :\