BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Eleise - Loving What Is

This is Eleise's special thread, to help discuss her situation more easily. This comes from our main Loving What Is discussion here -

Loving What Is

Eleise began with this statement:

My rant is...but I dont' know if it qualifies?

I'm tired of being "nice" lol.

I don't know the questions I'd ask.

I keep thinking about how the Universe came to be and keep thinking that there isn't any part of it that said, "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

I do like the concept, really, very much. I'll see or if anyone has a question that could jump start me, what I can do with my rant

Phyllis had this advice for Eleise -

I think I know what you mean, Elleise. I am the middle child of seven, and the middle daughter of three. So, I have a double whammy of being the mediator and capable of seeing both sides of a situation or going with one side or the other. For those who study birth order and believe it has a lot to do with one's personality, the middle child is the one who mediates and tries to make everyone else feel good even if it makes self feel not so good. Therefore - I, too, often am tired of being nice and wish I could just blurt out how I feel or what I need. I am too often the "nice one" who lets my feelings be set aside for the sake of the feelings of others.

I think you would need to clarify your statement/feeling of "I am tired of being nice" before you can answer those questions or share with us why you are tired of being nice. Does it relate to everything in your life, or to one situation where you feel you are being taken advantage of, or that even though you are always nice no one returns niceties back to you? I have always thought you are a very nice and compassionate person and because I pick that up from you, it makes me want to return this pleasant and nice feeling back to you. Maybe, in your life, not everyone does this for you?

Maybe your first question could be: Am I really tired of being nice -- or am I hurt that others are not always nice to me?

Does this help you get a start on your rant?

Lisa, you said ask four questions, but as an example chose two questions. Does this mean we make up our own questions? Am I missing the point here? What four questions would I ask myself after I rant?

This feels odd for me - I rarely rant about my inner feelings.

My next step was to post this information:

Eleise - that is perfect!! Any rant is a good rant for this effort.

So Question #1 that you always ask yourself is:

Is that true?

So think about it for a while. Really roll it around in your mind. Are you *really* tired of being nice?

As an expanded question - say to yourself, "I am tired of being nice - because to me being nice means ..."

There's no right or wrong here, this process is all about feeling what is right for you.

Eleise posted this response:

O.k.

I feel tired in my heart for always being nice.

I don't have a problem wearing my emotions on my sleeve, or saying what I think, but it's more of a quip (whisp) and then what's foremost is putting someone else's feelings first and that makes me, at least these days, feel like I'm lacking.

It's hard to explain, but I can feel, actually, before I think. And, I feel a lot more energy going out than coming in.

So, with this exercise I'd like to change that. The reason being is that I feel I would actually get a lot farther in my own goals if I could just learn to walk away.

Also from Eleise -

Thank you Phyllis. That is a good question to start with and thinking about it, I don't know.

I like being a nice person, but when I think about being too nice, I kind of shake my head...like, really?

So this is my next post, to Eleise -

I'll comment that the book suggests you start with "other people issues" because it's usually easier to work on them, rather than to try to work on yourself. So Eleise - you're tackling a fairly hard challenge here by working on yourself right off the bat smile Well, technically, you're *always* working on yourself because it's always your own thoughts you're examining, but you're trying to think about thoughts about yourself, which is hard smile

OK, so thinking that you should be handling things differently is wearying to you. Trying to figure out what is best to say is a strain.

I should make a side comment here. The way this book is focused, it doesn't think you are "broken" now and that if only you could be "fixed" things would be better. Rather, it helps you understand that you are NOT broken right now. So with my "father" example, it's not that the father or the daughter is "broken" and things need to be fixed. It's that the thought pattern is causing damage, that the more you are able to clearly understand what is happening, the better you can work with it.

This kind of examining is really hard when you're looking into yourself. Your hope is that you can change yourself and that things would be better. And while the book doesn't stay "stagnate!" it does say "to start with, you have to find peace with now - and then go from there." Improving with love is easier than improving with anger or frustration.

So let's see. I'll paraphrase a little for you. I think you're saying:

"I feel tired in my heart for always being nice - because I feel like I'm lacking when I put someone else's feelings first."

I think we've taken care of Question 1 -

"Is this true?"

and Question 2 -

"can you absolutely know that it's true?"

and you've talked as well about Question 3 -

"how do you *react* when you think this thought?"

although you can talk more about that of course!

So at this point you do a few turn-arounds to investigate the question from a few other sides.

So ask yourself - "I feel tired in my heart for never being nice"

In a way you are not being nice to yourself by having these stresses and concerns about how you are behaving. You are judging yourself negatively. Does having these thoughts make you feel tired and lacking?

Or how about this version?

"I feel content in my heart for always being nice"

Is there a part of you that feels serene that you aim to be a nice person, that you can be the person others turn to and rely on? Is that something you feel positively about yourself?

There are no right or wrong answers, just different things to think about.

My next post to Eleise -

Elleise - so question 4 then is:

"Who would you be *without* the thought?"

The thought we're discussing is the thought of:

"I feel tired in my heart for always being nice - because I feel like I'm lacking when I put someone else's feelings first."

What if you simply did not have this worry at all? What if some sort of a wave of a wand meant you no longer worried about something being "wrong" when you put others first? You simply did it and were content with your actions? What if you accepted that this was the way you were and it was a good thing?

I know it's really hard to think about changing a way you're used to thinking, so give it some time. Really imagine yourself in a situation, and imagine yourself not having a hint of regret or remorse or self-accusation when you happily met someone else's needs.

How would that be?

Eleise's response!

Hmmmm,

O.k. I've been thinking a lot about this lately smile

In my, always actually, since I can remember, I would take any negative you could throw at me and turn it into a positive. Theory would have it, if that's so, you couldn't possibly be defficient, since you are always looking at ways to be positive.

But in trying to take that road, the obvious still remains. You're needed usually when everyone else disappoints or they themselves are feeling isolated, sad, lonely.

You're not something in general that's enthusiastic to be with, but you don't focus on those things. You just keep puting something positive out there, trying to stay focussed, writing, making a place positive, making things, cooking, suprises. But it's empty.

So there's the more talking I could do, lol.

So to question 1 & 2, for me the answer is "Yes."

Question 3? It makes me disgusted with myself and sad. There's nothing there to look back on that would make that effort perpetual. No balance.

I used to have that with my immediate family. I would write, call, make plans to cook a dinner, but well, there would be silence actually, nothing there. So, I took a few steps back. Now I offer what I can and it's genuine. But I still have that thing where I feel and my "needs" come secondary.

That makes me weary. I'm not energized by that. To this day though if someone needed it, I would give what I had. I hate that because when you do that, you have nothing to build with because every day, I know I do, I meet people who need something desperately and I have that compulsion that if I can find a way, I do what I can.

I literally need to learn how to walk away, because in tending to everyone else, there's nothing for me.

My response to Eleise -

Elleise -

I think there are two parts to this.

First is what this book is promoting, which is finding peace with what you have now, as a foundation. I.e. if you're angry about what you have now, it doesn't give you the same energy and power as being at peace with what you have and going from there. In neither case should you "settle". But positive energy is better to work with than negative energy.

So let's go with the thought that you help others. Others can rely on you. You get frustrated with the thought because you feel you should be helping yourself. But the book is saying you should be proud and happy of what you are. You are an amazing person who others rely on, who is a beacon of how we all should be. You should appreciate that. You should relish that. There's a reason you are this way. This is a great way to be.

So that is something to cherish and love.

Now, when you settle into a nook where you cherish and love yourself for your great spirit, you can then *also* say that - being such a cherishing, loving person, that you should cherish and love YOURSELF as much as you do others. Right now you are neglecting yourself. You deserve that same love and affection you make available to others! It's not "walking away" - it is **taking care of**!!

Eleise's response:

That helps Lisa, the last line especially and lately I've been applying that. So, say I have a choice between giving or getting something for myself vs. giving that money away, I'll get that special thing.

How could I break down this example? This happened just over Thanksgiving and is the epidomy of my mindset.

I wanted to make my husband a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I had a little extra money this month so I purchased his favorites, crab legs, turkey, fresh baked bread, fresh beans...etc. Anyway I didn't purchase a feast portion, enough for a nice meal.

An hour before dinner was ready, I was feeling so good about getting something for myself which was prawns. Because of all of the food I decided to save mine for another time. My husband comes out of the back room and says, "T" is on his way over.

The Earth cracked I think. All I know is I stopped chopping. "I'm not supposed to make him dinner am I? We don't have a whole lot here."

"T" is a person my husband asked if they could stay 1 or 2 nights. This person hasn't left in over 2 weeks and the office is trashed. That's where he is staying.

Not only was I supposed to make dinner for him, but this guys girlfriend too and drinks.

I was upset inside but gracious on the outside. After I cleaned the kitchn I went to lay down next to my husband, maybe watch a movie. He was irritated. I sensed that and said, "What could possibly be wrong. You're treated like a king."

At the end everything, my added bonus for Thanksgiving was that he says, "Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday you can count on me being like this. You want me to leave those days, I will, But, this is it, get used to it."

So, that wonderful gracious giving spirit that I am, slept on the bathroom floor and I'm having a difficult time trying to love what is...

......

I was working in the bathroom and actually made progress! Pathetic as it sounds, the toilet works pretty well as a desktop.

I was just finalizing some editing and because of this thread I imagined what the women might say in terms of my dillema here.

I thought it through and came up with they'd tell me to be direct in relation to the person living here.

I told my husband he could either deal with the mess he created in letting this person live off of us (when we have little) or I would let the apartment manager do it for him.

After a cloud of profanity raining through the bedroom and a tantrum in the restroom, I mean my office. It took about 3 minutes for him to knock on this guys door.

He was pleasant to the guy but not so much with me. Looking back, I'm the only person he'll yell at, criticize, tear down, etc. while all the people in the world use him or ignore him and there's a halo hovering over his head dealing with them.

The entire experience and this forum is starting to put things into perspective. Normally I would have cried. I believe he was right...this is the way he is but Im feeling at this point, not so much that it's something (a way of life) that I must accept or find a way to get used to.

That may be the way women are treated in his family, but it's not the way I see myself in the long run being treated in mine.