BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Loving What Is

I just finished reading "Loving What Is" - a book a friend had recommended to me - and I think it has some great messages in it. I wanted to share its information with the forum.

Here's what you do. You take any issue that has been bothering you. Maybe you think your parents ruined your life. Maybe you think your partner is ruining your life. Whatever it is, you write a rant about it. Let yourself be free to write down your fear or anger or upset.

Then you ask yourself four questions about that set of statements. Usually this process helps you see things in a new light and release the stress involved.

If someone would like to post their rant about something that is upsetting them, we can give it a try!

I'll do an example so you can see how this works.

Rant line 1: My father always treats my siblings better than he treats me!!!

Question 1: Is this true?
(This isn't a right or wrong answer. It is simply an honest answer. Do you honestly feel this is 100% true?)

So you could say, after some quiet reflection, OK maybe it's not ENTIRELY true. Maybe it just seems that SOMETIMES he treats them better than me.

Then you move on to question 2.

Question 2: Can you ABSOLUTELY know that this is true?
i.e. do you think your father is deliberately, willfully treating the other siblings better than you all the time? Again this isn't a right-or-wrong thing. It is an honest evaluation thing.

So you could ponder it and say ... maybe he thinks he is being fair to each person, and each person is in a different stage of life, so maybe he thinks each person needs more or less assistance based on where they are. Maybe he is trying to intrude less with those who seem stable, and offer more help and support for those who seem less stable.

Or of course you could say absolutely yes, he is deliberately paying time and attention to two siblings and completely ignoring similar pleas from other siblings. It's all about evaluating things honestly.

I like it!

My rant is...but I dont' know if it qualifies?

I'm tired of being "nice" lol.

I don't know the questions I'd ask.

I keep thinking about how the Universe came to be and keep thinking that there isn't any part of it that said, "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

I do like the concept, really, very much. I'll see or if anyone has a question that could jump start me, what I can do with my rant

I think I know what you mean, Elleise. I am the middle child of seven, and the middle daughter of three. So, I have a double whammy of being the mediator and capable of seeing both sides of a situation or going with one side or the other. For those who study birth order and believe it has a lot to do with one's personality, the middle child is the one who mediates and tries to make everyone else feel good even if it makes self feel not so good. Therefore - I, too, often am tired of being nice and wish I could just blurt out how I feel or what I need. I am too often the "nice one" who lets my feelings be set aside for the sake of the feelings of others.

I think you would need to clarify your statement/feeling of "I am tired of being nice" before you can answer those questions or share with us why you are tired of being nice. Does it relate to everything in your life, or to one situation where you feel you are being taken advantage of, or that even though you are always nice no one returns niceties back to you? I have always thought you are a very nice and compassionate person and because I pick that up from you, it makes me want to return this pleasant and nice feeling back to you. Maybe, in your life, not everyone does this for you?

Maybe your first question could be: Am I really tired of being nice -- or am I hurt that others are not always nice to me?

Does this help you get a start on your rant?

Lisa, you said ask four questions, but as an example chose two questions. Does this mean we make up our own questions? Am I missing the point here? What four questions would I ask myself after I rant?

This feels odd for me - I rarely rant about my inner feelings.

Hi Lisa, it sounds like a great book. Thank you for starting this thread! (JOY)

Eleise - that is perfect!! Any rant is a good rant for this effort.

So Question #1 that you always ask yourself is:

Is that true?

So think about it for a while. Really roll it around in your mind. Are you *really* tired of being nice?

As an expanded question - say to yourself, "I am tired of being nice - because to me being nice means ..."

There's no right or wrong here, this process is all about feeling what is right for you.

Phyllis -

This system involves four specific questions that you ask for each rant. So you don't have to worry about the questions or anything else - you simply let yourself feel free to rant! The idea is to find what bothers you, and to let it out, so it can be worked on and resolved.

Question 1 is always "Is It True?"

So let's say that your rant statement was:

"I am tired of being nice and wish I could just blurt out how I feel or what I need"

So the first question you need to ask is "Is it true?"

So you investigate it. Do you wish you could always say exactly what you feel to every person? There's no right or wrong, this is an investigation.

OK so back to my example of the father and the siblings. Question 3 is always:

Question 3: How do you REACT when you think that thought?

Whatever this ranting thought is that you have, how does your body and mind react when you think that thought? Are you upset? Does your stomach clench? Does your head fill with bees? Do you feel worthless? Do you feel angry?

What are all the emotions and body reactions and other things that begin to occur, just because a thought has entered your mind?

So in the father case, let's say I feel my shoulders clench, I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel grumpy. I feel angry towards my father, and also towards my siblings for being a part of the dynamic.

So examine all of those things that happen.

As you are thinking about Question #3 - how you think about the question - you also want to try some "turning around".

Try changing your rant statement to point in the other direction. So if you start with:

My father always treats my siblings better than he treats me!!!

Now, how can you turn this around?

Turnaround #1:
I treat my father and siblings better than I treat myself.

This is true. I am sitting there beating myself up daily, worrying about this issue, and I do not beat up on others daily. Why do I not deserve the same care and love that I give others?

Turnaround #2
My father always treats my siblings the same way than he treats me.

Maybe this is true. Maybe he thinks about each of us in turn, based on where we are in life. Maybe I see it more clearly when he pays attention to others - and do not realize it as much when he pays attention to me.

So give your question a few turns. How does it seem when you say it in different ways? Could it be true that way too?

O.k.

I feel tired in my heart for always being nice.

I don't have a problem wearing my emotions on my sleeve, or saying what I think, but it's more of a quip (whisp) and then what's foremost is putting someone else's feelings first and that makes me, at least these days, feel like I'm lacking.

It's hard to explain, but I can feel, actually, before I think. And, I feel a lot more energy going out than comeing in.

So, with this exercise I'd like to change that. The reason being is that I feel I would actually get a lot farther in my own goals if I could just learn to walk away.

Thank you Phyllis. That is a good question to start with and thinking about it, I don't know.

I like being a nice person, but when I think about being too nice, I kind of shake my head...like, really?

I'll comment that the book suggests you start with "other people issues" because it's usually easier to work on them, rather than to try to work on yourself. So Eleise - you're tackling a fairly hard challenge here by working on yourself right off the bat Well, technically, you're *always* working on yourself because it's always your own thoughts you're examining, but you're trying to think about thoughts about yourself, which is hard

OK, so thinking that you should be handling things differently is wearying to you. Trying to figure out what is best to say is a strain.

I should make a side comment here. The way this book is focused, it doesn't think you are "broken" now and that if only you could be "fixed" things would be better. Rather, it helps you understand that you are NOT broken right now. So with my "father" example, it's not that the father or the daughter is "broken" and things need to be fixed. It's that the thought pattern is causing damage, that the more you are able to clearly understand what is happening, the better you can work with it.

This kind of examining is really hard when you're looking into yourself. Your hope is that you can change yourself and that things would be better. And while the book doesn't stay "stagnate!" it does say "to start with, you have to find peace with now - and then go from there." Improving with love is easier than improving with anger or frustration.

So let's see. I'll paraphrase a little for you. I think you're saying:

"I feel tired in my heart for always being nice - because I feel like I'm lacking when I put someone else's feelings first."

I think we've taken care of Question 1 -

"Is this true?"

and Question 2 -

"can you absolutely know that it's true?"

and you've talked as well about Question 3 -

"how do you *react* when you think this thought?"

although you can talk more about that of course!

So at this point you do a few turn-arounds to investigate the question from a few other sides.

So ask yourself - "I feel tired in my heart for never being nice"

In a way you are not being nice to yourself by having these stresses and concerns about how you are behaving. You are judging yourself negatively. Does having these thoughts make you feel tired and lacking?

Or how about this version?

"I feel content in my heart for always being nice"

Is there a part of you that feels serene that you aim to be a nice person, that you can be the person others turn to and rely on? Is that something you feel positively about yourself?

There are no right or wrong answers, just different things to think about.

Elleise - so question 4 then is:

"Who would you be *without* the thought?"

The thought we're discussing is the thought of:

"I feel tired in my heart for always being nice - because I feel like I'm lacking when I put someone else's feelings first."

What if you simply did not have this worry at all? What if some sort of a wave of a wand meant you no longer worried about something being "wrong" when you put others first? You simply did it and were content with your actions? What if you accepted that this was the way you were and it was a good thing?

I know it's really hard to think about changing a way you're used to thinking, so give it some time. Really imagine yourself in a situation, and imagine yourself not having a hint of regret or remorse or self-accusation when you happily met someone else's needs.

How would that be?

Hmmmm,

O.k. I've been thinking a lot about this lately

In my, always actually, since I can remember, I would take any negative you could throw at me and turn it into a positive. Theory would have it, if that's so, you couldn't possibly be defficient, since you are always looking at ways to be positive.

But in trying to take that road, the obvious still remains. You're needed usually when everyone else disappoints or they themselves are feeling isolated, sad, lonely.

You're not something in general that's enthusiastic to be with, but you don't focus on those things. You just keep puting something positive out there, trying to stay focussed, writing, making a place positive, making things, cooking, suprises. But it's empty.

So there's the more talking I could do, lol.

So to question 1 & 2, for me the answer is "Yes."

Question 3? It makes me disgusted with myself and sad. There's nothing there to look back on that would make that effort perpetual. No balance.

I used to have that with my immediate family. I would write, call, make plans to cook a dinner, but well, there would be silence actually, nothing there. So, I took a few steps back. Now I offer what I can and it's genuine. But I still have that thing where I feel and my "needs" come secondary.

That makes me weary. I'm not energized by that. To this day though if someone needed it, I would give what I had. I hate that because when you do that, you have nothing to build with because every day, I know I do, I meet people who need something desperately and I have that compulsion that if I can find a way, I do what I can.

I litterally need to learn how to walk away, because in tending to everyone else, there's nothing for me.

For some reason this has seemed complicated to me. So I will just start at the beginning. Write a rant about something that has been bothering me. Okay.

I feel like I am behind all the time and have too many life crises. I am always playing catch up. It's exhausting, tiresome and nerve racking. I am sick of it!

Elleise -

I think there are two parts to this.

First is what this book is promoting, which is finding peace with what you have now, as a foundation. I.e. if you're angry about what you have now, it doesn't give you the same energy and power as being at peace with what you have and going from there. In neither case should you "settle". But positive energy is better to work with than negative energy.

So let's go with the thought that you help others. Others can rely on you. You get frustrated with the thought because you feel you should be helping yourself. But the book is saying you should be proud and happy of what you are. You are an amazing person who others rely on, who is a beacon of how we all should be. You should appreciate that. You should relish that. There's a reason you are this way. This is a great way to be.

So that is something to cherish and love.

Now, when you settle into a nook where you cherish and love yourself for your great spirit, you can then *also* say that - being such a cherishing, loving person, that you should cherish and love YOURSELF as much as you do others. Right now you are neglecting yourself. You deserve that same love and affection you make available to others! It's not "walking away" - it is **taking care of**!!

Jilly -

I apologize if I made it complicated. It's really very simple, with only 4 questions. It's probably that I posted it confusingly, to make it seem confusing.

I will note that they advise starting with an external problem, because internal problems are more challenging, but we can start internal if you wish!

So question 1 -

"Is This True".

So is it true that you have too many life crises? When you look at what other people go through - or even what you have gone through in the past, is it true that right now in your current world that you have too many life crises? Compared with what?

I did "the work" a few years ago. At that time, it was about dealing with a pretty yucky breakup. I learned a lot in the process. I read the book and listened to some other works by Katie on my ipod during long walks. I also downloaded the worksheets from her website, which you can find online: The Work.

I really liked her personal story. The author (Byron Katie) was severly depressed for many years and nothing helped. She writes that she had an epiphany of sorts during one of her stays at a mental hospital and it rather changed the way she looked at things and led to the develpment of the whole process. And, I highly recommend it to anyone depressed or anxious.

One of the things that really helped me, and it's hard to do it justice here, but she said "Stay in YOUR business" and anytime I'm stressing about someone else (their actions, thoughts, behavior, etc.), I remember that. She really goes into how we have to focus on what we are doing/feeling/thinking and instead we often focus on what someone else is doing/feeling/thinking. Does he love me, does she think I'm stupid, do they think I look funny, and so on. Staying in your business means doing what YOU need to be doing--whatever that is and let all that angst go. Again, I suggest reading the book, but once you "get" that, then the obsessive craziness is pretty easy to stop.

The title of this book "Loving What Is" is about the fact that we so often "love" all those alternate realities we crave which just are not there and the fact that what IS doesn't match is the cause of a lot of our emotional issues. So, her premise is that if you do the Work, you learn to love reality as it is. For me, the agony of a breakup I didn't want made me a bit nuts for awhile because I didn't LOVE it. I hated it. I agonized over it. After reading this book, I learned to accept it and move on. And, yep, love it. I'm grateful for the experience and I am way happier now than I was in that relationship. So, for me, this thought process has been very helpful.

Lisa, I do not even know how to answer that one. Not compared to someone in a Darfur refugee camp. But that is apples and oranges. For a typical non-crackhead American i seem to have way too much drama. I feel like a need a babysitter.

Hi Deb, thank you for your great insight. In particular, the section I�ve �quoted� above is so crucial throughout life. (JOY)

OK Jilly let's start there. You have an ideal image of the low-drama quiet life that others lead, and you feel disappointed that you don't have that kind of a low drama life.

When we hear from other editors, though, do you really get a sense that other editors have a low drama life? Or do you get a sense that they have just as much drama going on in their lives - if not more - just of different types of situations?

That is, is there really a "low drama" life out there, or is it a myth that we concoct and imagine, sort of like a mythical Atlantis?

Think about how calm your life has gotten! You have a stable home. You can get checks with your address! You have your own mailbox! Yes you have tires that pop and other issues - but those are the small daily issues that are a normal part of life. Think of all the editors dealing with special needs children, and caring for senile parents, and dealing with rampaging exs, and being hounded by debt collectors, and so on. In comparison you go on relaxing hikes, and work in peace and quiet, and can take a lovely vacation! Your tire pops, and you get a new one!

Many people would look at your life and dream of such a low drama existence for themselves

So then you need to think - is my life really incredibly high drama, or is it my *perception* of a mythical zero drama state that makes my life seem wildly out of control in comparison? Where do I really fall on the range of normal drama right now?

For example if you asked the editors how many had been hit by a virus in the past year, a number of hands would go up That's normal living on the net. It's OK!

Deb -

That's great that you read and connected with her too! I agree that she does a great job of explaining the change in thinking and her examples really help a lot.

It is so true - what other people do is outside of your control. It can't help to worry about it. It's enough of a job just taking care of your own thoughts and actions

I've been thinking about this thread a lot and I wanted to add a thought. This is NOT about saying "my life is harder than someone else's" or making those kinds of comparisons. It's not about saying "well you just had two parakeets die, plus a cat die, plus your other cat has had serious kidney issues twice in the past few months, but in comparison I had X pet die and Y pet die and therefore ..." It's not about comparing and judging at all.

What it is about is realizing that what we expect life to be is what is harming us. We create unrealistic expectations that do not match up with reality. And it's that disconnect that hurts us. We expect life to be something it is not. We don't simply accept the way life is as "normal". Clearly the way our life is *is* normal, because it's what life is doing!

It's like being on the ocean in winter and being upset that the seas are choppy. We want them to be calm. Yes, but the way the ocean is in winter is choppy, and things go more smoothly if we accept that and then work with it. If we sit there in the choppy seas being upset and grumpy and wishing we could have "normal" calm seas, it won't help the situation any.

Yes we can make the calm choice of "I realize that logically winter seas are choppy, and I now set a goal to relocate myself to Kansas and live on the land, where I do not get affected by winter seas." That would be a healthy goal. But it's important to do that from a calm base of saying "These winter seas are normal for the location and time I am in."

And even if we say a wild winter storm comes up when you're out on those winter seas, it is still normal for winter seas to have wild storms in them. So again you accept that wild winter storms are a normal part of living on a winter sea, and if you have become very anti-winter-seas, then you can choose to move to Kansas.

Hi Lisa, your �choppy seas� analogy is a good one! (JOY)

I have been reading this thread, and definitely want to get this book now!

I just recently started the Complaint Free Program {every November - Thanks Living } and that has definitely helped me to be more at peace with what is.

Currently my challenges are my husband. He suffers from depression and has anger issues, but is not really motivated to do anything about it.

I can't change him, and honestly, I get tired of dealing with it. So, I look at my purple bracelet and think "I don't want to have to switch you to the other arm and start over - so - how can I see this a different way?"

Most of the time it's hard to see it a different way {like this morning}. But, I can tell myself that I have a lot of other great things going on.

He is how he is... he's a good provider, he fixes stuff around the house, he'll take my son to school in the morning if I don't feel like getting myself out of bed early, he's a great cook. So, I focus on those instead.

Deb, I really enjoyed reading your post! I know one of my issues is loving that alternate reality LOL! You know, the one where I'm super slim, famous, and very very loved and looked after.

I recently saw my ex fiance's new wife on facebook Grrr.... she looks so happy! I got so depressed :sad: All I could think of was "If I hadn't left him, that happiness would be mine."

But I know that's not true. I left him for a reason - we were not a good match. That happiness would not be mine... Happiness is my own responsibility - not someone else.

Deb, Joy, Lisa, Eleise, Phyllis, Jill, Deanna (and anyone else I have missed who has constributed to this thread)

I have been aware of and practised on-and-off Byron Katie's work over several years. I saw Byron Katie talk and work with members of the audience at Alternatives in London, and one of the most powerful pieces of work she did was with an American - if my memory serves me right I think the issue may have been with George Bush...

I have found The Work most helpful when done 1-1 with another person who is learning and/or has understanding of the technique. I also think it is easier to start with issues to do with other people (which so often are actually about ourselves). The power of the technique seems to be drilling in to the questions, cycling back on them if needed again and again until you get to the ultimate truth which can often be extremely simple.

To expand on the website link Deb put up there are some links that may be useful starting points:

Instructions For Doing The Work

Judge Your Neighbour Worksheet

The Do The Work Helpline - free service for people new to The Work

Hi Asha, thanks for your insight and also for the related links. (JOY)

Ive been thinking about this a lot and trying to make it relate to me somehow. I don't feel like my seas are any more choppy than anyone else's But I do feel like I make things more into a problem than they would be for someone else. I want to be able to handle things and be done with them. Not to blow everything up onto this huge ordeal. So from that stance, how do I work with this?

Hi Jilly, it�s very easy to perceive an incident as yet another terrible thing. One way round this is to look at it from a different perspective. If you only had a week to live, would you look on it differently? How much does it really matter in the long run? Another tip is to welcome everything that comes your way (good and bad) as opportunities for becoming stronger hence the well-known saying � �Problems make the man�! (JOY)

That is the thing, Joy. Nothing is another terrible thing. It's just a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. There is a huge disconnect between my intellectual and emotional maturity. That is hardwired into the Asperger's and isn't going to change.

Okay, so back to Lisa's question: is this true? I still do not know how to answer that. Objectively, no. Subjectively, yes.

I like this exercise. I learned another version during my self hypnotist sessions. It is really a "freeing" experience!

Deanna -

It can definitely be challenging if your partner is doing things which seem to disturb your serenity. Especially if you have fond dreams of a previous partner who you think somehow would be "better". So this is a tricky situation to be in.

The book would say that you start out by asking yourself, as question 1,

"Is It True?"

You've done a good job with that! You realize that, as much as it might seem a wonderful dream, that it would NOT be true that you would magically become perfectly happy if you were with your previous partner. He was not a good fit for you!

I know it's challenging to see an ex with someone else and see that *they* work. I am divorced so I have an ex husband and he works much better with his current wife. So I could have the potential to say "look, they work together! Maybe *we* could have worked together!" But it's simply NOT true. Every one of us is different. We are all like jigsaw puzzle pieces. Just because your ex fits with Woman X it does NOT mean they fit with you. People are NOT interchangeable.

So for example my ex is content with his wife and she with him. But he does things that would drive me absolutely insane. So if you substituted me in for her, we would *not* be content. She has different interests and priorities - which is great! - and it means they fit.

Similarly, my current boyfriend of 15 years has exs in his past. They did not work out. Now imagine one of those exs saw how happy I was with him. They could be jealous and say "that could be me!" However, clearly they had serious issues that caused them to split up. Those issues still exist. However in *our* relationship they are not issues. So it's an entirely different dynamic.

Just as an example, he likes to do things on his own. Play darts. Surf the web. A woman that wanted him to always "be with her" would be really frustrated and would completely hound him to stop doing solo things and to do things with her instead.

However, I am a workaholic. *I* am always doing things on my own. So I'm glad he's not bugging me when I work! I'm glad he's off doing things on his own. So for me, this is a perfect trait.

So to summarize, Deanna, it is hard sometimes to turn that corner, but it's a really important one to accept fully. Your ex was not a good fit. It's fine if he fits with someone else. You have a better fit with your current partner - and now it's a matter of polishing those rough edge areas, to make the fit even better!

So think of a paragraph to describe your current challenges. What is the challenge with your current relationship, that interferes with your serenity?

I would say first that people with Asperger's *can* grow and change and learn! My son has Asperger's and I know a number of people with Asperger's. It does not mean you are stagnant It's not hard wired! Brains are very flexible, adult brains learn and grow and adapt and overcome. Yes your *starting* point may be slightly different, and that is all!

Think of all the people who have strokes and loss of sight and so on, and their brain rewires right around the area and does fresh, new things! Asperger's brains can do that just as easily - if not even more easily

OK so your statements were:

"I feel like I am behind all the time and have too many life crises. I am always playing catch up. It's exhausting, tiresome and nerve racking. I am sick of it!"

"For a typical non-crackhead American i seem to have way too much drama. I feel like a need a babysitter."

In addressing issues, the first question is "Is it true?" and the second question is "Is it ABSOLUTELY true?" - that is, the objective truth is what we are going for. When we get through the emotional layers and cravings and hopes, what does it all boil down to? It sounds like you are saying no although you have emotional ties to feeling it is yes. Which is fairly normal for many people! Many of the book's examples had people in that situation.

So the third question is this:

Question 3: How do you REACT when you think that thought?

Describe all the different things that happen to you when you are thinking about this situation.

I have so many things that come up when i ask myself how I feel when i think about the situation. Shame is a huge one. How dare i bemoan my stupid little issues when others have no freedoms or work 14 hours in a sweatshop or are being tortured for their beliefs or live in a wheelchair?

Also i feel a sense of rage. How come nobody takes my Aspergers' seriously? It's not something to "fix" - it is what it is. I get gifts from it. My life is informed by the amazing way i perceive the world; I have something unusual to offer others in my path-blazing. I would never have it fixed. I just want to live with it in a happy way...and also to not be judged for how I am socially/emotionally by people who don't 'get' it. So i feel rage that people don't understand that it's real.

There was an X-Files episode with Mulder saying he wished he had a peg leg, so people would SEE he was disabled. Because he is intellectually adept, people expect him to handle things maturely and rationally. But because of his social/emotional disconnect, he is isolated and misunderstood. He made a point of telling Scully he was not being flip with the wanting a peg leg thing.

This really resonated with me and reminded me of things I have tried to explain to people in the past. No one would expect a man with a peg leg to try to have sensation in his peg. It's like having a brain disorder makes me a second class citizen - I get no allowances in normal society for not seeing social cues. No one understands what an amazing triumph it is when i am able to head off an episode, because they do not see it and can't relate to it anyway.

So rage about all this, and then shame, because I should be thrilled that I do not have actual real life problems like many others in this world.

It's a heady combination. If i was smart, i would act chipper all the time and pretend to be ecstatically happy with my life, so no one would think i was some kind of spoiled drama queen. Right? But dissembling is not one of the skills I have. Nor do i wish to develop that. I am mildly proud being open about my emotions, and real about who i am. No one has to wonder with me where i am at, or if i am telling the truth. If I can learn to actually BE serene, instead of fronting that i am, then that would be worthwhile.

No other way out but through. Shame and rage.

That helps Lisa, the last line especially and lately I've been applying that. So, say I have a choice between giving or getting something for myself vs. giving that money away, I'll get that special thing.

How could I break down this example? This happened just over Thanksgiving and is the epidomy of my mindset.

I wanted to make my husband a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I had a little extra money this month so I purchased his favorites, crab legs, turkey, fresh baked bread, fresh beans...etc. Anyway I didn't purchase a feast portion, enough for a nice meal.

An hour before dinner was ready, I was feeling so good about getting something for myself which was prawns. Because of all of the food I decided to save mine for another time. My husband comes out of the back room and says, "T" is on his way over.

The Earth cracked I think. All I know is I stopped chopping. "I'm not supposed to make him dinner am I? We don't have a whole lot here."

"T" is a person my husband asked if they could stay 1 or 2 nights. This person hasn't left in over 2 weeks and the office is trashed. That's where he is staying.

Not only was I supposed to make dinner for him, but this guys girlfriend too and drinks.

I was upset inside but gracious on the outside. After I cleaned the kitchn I went to lay down next to my husband, maybe watch a movie. He was irritated. I sensed that and said, "What could possibly be wrong. You're treated like a king."

At the end everything, my added bonus for Thanksgiving was that he says, "Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday you can count on me being like this. You want me to leave those days, I will, But, this is it, get used to it."

So, that wonderful gracious giving spirit that I am, slept on the bathroom floor and I'm having a difficult time trying to love what is...

Jilly,

I just read your post and it really hit something.I could totally empathise.

What a great word dissemble! People always know where they stand w/me. I lothe chit-chat. It's just not in my DNA.

However, I am disabled but you wouldn't know it to look at me. I try to work around it. But because you can't see it like the peg-leg analogy (great one btw) I come off as either not caring about something enough to be able to do it or lazy because something wasn't followed through or more accurately still pending.

I hate hearing myself complain too. When I do, I'm nausiated and shamed and don't want to go back to say a post or something. I also get the "angry" part you mentioned. That a strength in trying to work around a disability is or can often be percieved as either not having it or being lazy, on my part.

If I am in the public eye I will do my best to cover up the tears, anger, shame, but around family, friend, relationships overall I lay it all out and what usually follows is a fight or someone having hurt feelings or blame that I would just come out and say something so it's my fault, etc. Just, blehkkkk!! I hate pretending!

So, anyway, I totally get what you're saying. Thanks for that.

I was working in the bathroom and actually made progress! Pathetic as it sounds, the toilet works pretty well as a desktop.

I was just finalizing some editing and because of this thread I imagined what the women might say in terms of my dillema here.

I thought it through and came up with they'd tell me to be direct in relation to the person living here.

I told my husband he could either deal with the mess he created in letting this person live off of us (when we have little) or I would let the apartment manager do it for him.

After a cloud of profanity raining through the bedroom and a tantrum in the restroom, I mean my office. It took about 3 minutes for him to knock on this guys door.

He was pleasant to the guy but not so much with me. Looking back, I'm the only person he'll yell at, criticize, tear down, etc. while all the people in the world use him or ignore him and there's a halo hovering over his head dealing with them.

The entire experience and this forum is starting to put things into perpective. Normally I would have cried. I believe he was right...this is the way he is but Im feeling at this point, not so much that it's something (a way of life) that I must accept or find a way to get used to.

That may be the way women are treated in his family, but it's not the way I see myself in the long run being treated in mine.

Hi Eleise, do you have any idea why he's only like this with you? Do you feel that this can ever be resolved? (JOY)

OK I've separated Deanna's thread out into its own area so we can follow it more easily!

Deanna's Thread

ok I've separated out Eleise's thread and now it's so much easier to follow! Hopefully this is easier for everyone to read and understand now

Eleise's Thread

And yes, a fresh thread for Jilly too, so we can help to follow her discussions!

Jilly's Thread

I think those are all of the discussion threads, so that we can help each person out more easily!

Hi Lisa, thanks for separating out the threads. This will make it much easier to follow individual concerns and perspectives. (JOY)

Hi everyone, here's my review on the book you've been discussing on this Forum thread:

Loving What Is - Review

What is love? It is one of the most difficult questions for the mankind. Centuries have passed by, relationships have bloomed and so has love. But no one can give the proper definition of love. To some Love is friendship set on fire for others Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it. No matter how you define it or feel it, love is the eternal truth in the history of mankind.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
-William Shakespeare.

Hi Astera,

Re: Loving What IS - Review

Yes, 'love' is quite something. This particular book is about loving what exists and not struggling or wasting precious energies trying to change what IS. (JOY)