BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Loving What Is

Thank you Phyllis. That is a good question to start with and thinking about it, I don't know.

I like being a nice person, but when I think about being too nice, I kind of shake my head...like, really?

I'll comment that the book suggests you start with "other people issues" because it's usually easier to work on them, rather than to try to work on yourself. So Eleise - you're tackling a fairly hard challenge here by working on yourself right off the bat Well, technically, you're *always* working on yourself because it's always your own thoughts you're examining, but you're trying to think about thoughts about yourself, which is hard

OK, so thinking that you should be handling things differently is wearying to you. Trying to figure out what is best to say is a strain.

I should make a side comment here. The way this book is focused, it doesn't think you are "broken" now and that if only you could be "fixed" things would be better. Rather, it helps you understand that you are NOT broken right now. So with my "father" example, it's not that the father or the daughter is "broken" and things need to be fixed. It's that the thought pattern is causing damage, that the more you are able to clearly understand what is happening, the better you can work with it.

This kind of examining is really hard when you're looking into yourself. Your hope is that you can change yourself and that things would be better. And while the book doesn't stay "stagnate!" it does say "to start with, you have to find peace with now - and then go from there." Improving with love is easier than improving with anger or frustration.

So let's see. I'll paraphrase a little for you. I think you're saying:

"I feel tired in my heart for always being nice - because I feel like I'm lacking when I put someone else's feelings first."

I think we've taken care of Question 1 -

"Is this true?"

and Question 2 -

"can you absolutely know that it's true?"

and you've talked as well about Question 3 -

"how do you *react* when you think this thought?"

although you can talk more about that of course!

So at this point you do a few turn-arounds to investigate the question from a few other sides.

So ask yourself - "I feel tired in my heart for never being nice"

In a way you are not being nice to yourself by having these stresses and concerns about how you are behaving. You are judging yourself negatively. Does having these thoughts make you feel tired and lacking?

Or how about this version?

"I feel content in my heart for always being nice"

Is there a part of you that feels serene that you aim to be a nice person, that you can be the person others turn to and rely on? Is that something you feel positively about yourself?

There are no right or wrong answers, just different things to think about.

Elleise - so question 4 then is:

"Who would you be *without* the thought?"

The thought we're discussing is the thought of:

"I feel tired in my heart for always being nice - because I feel like I'm lacking when I put someone else's feelings first."

What if you simply did not have this worry at all? What if some sort of a wave of a wand meant you no longer worried about something being "wrong" when you put others first? You simply did it and were content with your actions? What if you accepted that this was the way you were and it was a good thing?

I know it's really hard to think about changing a way you're used to thinking, so give it some time. Really imagine yourself in a situation, and imagine yourself not having a hint of regret or remorse or self-accusation when you happily met someone else's needs.

How would that be?

Hmmmm,

O.k. I've been thinking a lot about this lately

In my, always actually, since I can remember, I would take any negative you could throw at me and turn it into a positive. Theory would have it, if that's so, you couldn't possibly be defficient, since you are always looking at ways to be positive.

But in trying to take that road, the obvious still remains. You're needed usually when everyone else disappoints or they themselves are feeling isolated, sad, lonely.

You're not something in general that's enthusiastic to be with, but you don't focus on those things. You just keep puting something positive out there, trying to stay focussed, writing, making a place positive, making things, cooking, suprises. But it's empty.

So there's the more talking I could do, lol.

So to question 1 & 2, for me the answer is "Yes."

Question 3? It makes me disgusted with myself and sad. There's nothing there to look back on that would make that effort perpetual. No balance.

I used to have that with my immediate family. I would write, call, make plans to cook a dinner, but well, there would be silence actually, nothing there. So, I took a few steps back. Now I offer what I can and it's genuine. But I still have that thing where I feel and my "needs" come secondary.

That makes me weary. I'm not energized by that. To this day though if someone needed it, I would give what I had. I hate that because when you do that, you have nothing to build with because every day, I know I do, I meet people who need something desperately and I have that compulsion that if I can find a way, I do what I can.

I litterally need to learn how to walk away, because in tending to everyone else, there's nothing for me.

For some reason this has seemed complicated to me. So I will just start at the beginning. Write a rant about something that has been bothering me. Okay.

I feel like I am behind all the time and have too many life crises. I am always playing catch up. It's exhausting, tiresome and nerve racking. I am sick of it!

Elleise -

I think there are two parts to this.

First is what this book is promoting, which is finding peace with what you have now, as a foundation. I.e. if you're angry about what you have now, it doesn't give you the same energy and power as being at peace with what you have and going from there. In neither case should you "settle". But positive energy is better to work with than negative energy.

So let's go with the thought that you help others. Others can rely on you. You get frustrated with the thought because you feel you should be helping yourself. But the book is saying you should be proud and happy of what you are. You are an amazing person who others rely on, who is a beacon of how we all should be. You should appreciate that. You should relish that. There's a reason you are this way. This is a great way to be.

So that is something to cherish and love.

Now, when you settle into a nook where you cherish and love yourself for your great spirit, you can then *also* say that - being such a cherishing, loving person, that you should cherish and love YOURSELF as much as you do others. Right now you are neglecting yourself. You deserve that same love and affection you make available to others! It's not "walking away" - it is **taking care of**!!

Jilly -

I apologize if I made it complicated. It's really very simple, with only 4 questions. It's probably that I posted it confusingly, to make it seem confusing.

I will note that they advise starting with an external problem, because internal problems are more challenging, but we can start internal if you wish!

So question 1 -

"Is This True".

So is it true that you have too many life crises? When you look at what other people go through - or even what you have gone through in the past, is it true that right now in your current world that you have too many life crises? Compared with what?

I did "the work" a few years ago. At that time, it was about dealing with a pretty yucky breakup. I learned a lot in the process. I read the book and listened to some other works by Katie on my ipod during long walks. I also downloaded the worksheets from her website, which you can find online: The Work.

I really liked her personal story. The author (Byron Katie) was severly depressed for many years and nothing helped. She writes that she had an epiphany of sorts during one of her stays at a mental hospital and it rather changed the way she looked at things and led to the develpment of the whole process. And, I highly recommend it to anyone depressed or anxious.

One of the things that really helped me, and it's hard to do it justice here, but she said "Stay in YOUR business" and anytime I'm stressing about someone else (their actions, thoughts, behavior, etc.), I remember that. She really goes into how we have to focus on what we are doing/feeling/thinking and instead we often focus on what someone else is doing/feeling/thinking. Does he love me, does she think I'm stupid, do they think I look funny, and so on. Staying in your business means doing what YOU need to be doing--whatever that is and let all that angst go. Again, I suggest reading the book, but once you "get" that, then the obsessive craziness is pretty easy to stop.

The title of this book "Loving What Is" is about the fact that we so often "love" all those alternate realities we crave which just are not there and the fact that what IS doesn't match is the cause of a lot of our emotional issues. So, her premise is that if you do the Work, you learn to love reality as it is. For me, the agony of a breakup I didn't want made me a bit nuts for awhile because I didn't LOVE it. I hated it. I agonized over it. After reading this book, I learned to accept it and move on. And, yep, love it. I'm grateful for the experience and I am way happier now than I was in that relationship. So, for me, this thought process has been very helpful.

Lisa, I do not even know how to answer that one. Not compared to someone in a Darfur refugee camp. But that is apples and oranges. For a typical non-crackhead American i seem to have way too much drama. I feel like a need a babysitter.

Hi Deb, thank you for your great insight. In particular, the section I�ve �quoted� above is so crucial throughout life. (JOY)