BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Loving What Is

I just finished reading "Loving What Is" - a book a friend had recommended to me - and I think it has some great messages in it. I wanted to share its information with the forum.

Here's what you do. You take any issue that has been bothering you. Maybe you think your parents ruined your life. Maybe you think your partner is ruining your life. Whatever it is, you write a rant about it. Let yourself be free to write down your fear or anger or upset.

Then you ask yourself four questions about that set of statements. Usually this process helps you see things in a new light and release the stress involved.

If someone would like to post their rant about something that is upsetting them, we can give it a try!

I'll do an example so you can see how this works.

Rant line 1: My father always treats my siblings better than he treats me!!!

Question 1: Is this true?
(This isn't a right or wrong answer. It is simply an honest answer. Do you honestly feel this is 100% true?)

So you could say, after some quiet reflection, OK maybe it's not ENTIRELY true. Maybe it just seems that SOMETIMES he treats them better than me.

Then you move on to question 2.

Question 2: Can you ABSOLUTELY know that this is true?
i.e. do you think your father is deliberately, willfully treating the other siblings better than you all the time? Again this isn't a right-or-wrong thing. It is an honest evaluation thing.

So you could ponder it and say ... maybe he thinks he is being fair to each person, and each person is in a different stage of life, so maybe he thinks each person needs more or less assistance based on where they are. Maybe he is trying to intrude less with those who seem stable, and offer more help and support for those who seem less stable.

Or of course you could say absolutely yes, he is deliberately paying time and attention to two siblings and completely ignoring similar pleas from other siblings. It's all about evaluating things honestly.

I like it!

My rant is...but I dont' know if it qualifies?

I'm tired of being "nice" lol.

I don't know the questions I'd ask.

I keep thinking about how the Universe came to be and keep thinking that there isn't any part of it that said, "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

I do like the concept, really, very much. I'll see or if anyone has a question that could jump start me, what I can do with my rant

I think I know what you mean, Elleise. I am the middle child of seven, and the middle daughter of three. So, I have a double whammy of being the mediator and capable of seeing both sides of a situation or going with one side or the other. For those who study birth order and believe it has a lot to do with one's personality, the middle child is the one who mediates and tries to make everyone else feel good even if it makes self feel not so good. Therefore - I, too, often am tired of being nice and wish I could just blurt out how I feel or what I need. I am too often the "nice one" who lets my feelings be set aside for the sake of the feelings of others.

I think you would need to clarify your statement/feeling of "I am tired of being nice" before you can answer those questions or share with us why you are tired of being nice. Does it relate to everything in your life, or to one situation where you feel you are being taken advantage of, or that even though you are always nice no one returns niceties back to you? I have always thought you are a very nice and compassionate person and because I pick that up from you, it makes me want to return this pleasant and nice feeling back to you. Maybe, in your life, not everyone does this for you?

Maybe your first question could be: Am I really tired of being nice -- or am I hurt that others are not always nice to me?

Does this help you get a start on your rant?

Lisa, you said ask four questions, but as an example chose two questions. Does this mean we make up our own questions? Am I missing the point here? What four questions would I ask myself after I rant?

This feels odd for me - I rarely rant about my inner feelings.

Hi Lisa, it sounds like a great book. Thank you for starting this thread! (JOY)

Eleise - that is perfect!! Any rant is a good rant for this effort.

So Question #1 that you always ask yourself is:

Is that true?

So think about it for a while. Really roll it around in your mind. Are you *really* tired of being nice?

As an expanded question - say to yourself, "I am tired of being nice - because to me being nice means ..."

There's no right or wrong here, this process is all about feeling what is right for you.

Phyllis -

This system involves four specific questions that you ask for each rant. So you don't have to worry about the questions or anything else - you simply let yourself feel free to rant! The idea is to find what bothers you, and to let it out, so it can be worked on and resolved.

Question 1 is always "Is It True?"

So let's say that your rant statement was:

"I am tired of being nice and wish I could just blurt out how I feel or what I need"

So the first question you need to ask is "Is it true?"

So you investigate it. Do you wish you could always say exactly what you feel to every person? There's no right or wrong, this is an investigation.

OK so back to my example of the father and the siblings. Question 3 is always:

Question 3: How do you REACT when you think that thought?

Whatever this ranting thought is that you have, how does your body and mind react when you think that thought? Are you upset? Does your stomach clench? Does your head fill with bees? Do you feel worthless? Do you feel angry?

What are all the emotions and body reactions and other things that begin to occur, just because a thought has entered your mind?

So in the father case, let's say I feel my shoulders clench, I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel grumpy. I feel angry towards my father, and also towards my siblings for being a part of the dynamic.

So examine all of those things that happen.

As you are thinking about Question #3 - how you think about the question - you also want to try some "turning around".

Try changing your rant statement to point in the other direction. So if you start with:

My father always treats my siblings better than he treats me!!!

Now, how can you turn this around?

Turnaround #1:
I treat my father and siblings better than I treat myself.

This is true. I am sitting there beating myself up daily, worrying about this issue, and I do not beat up on others daily. Why do I not deserve the same care and love that I give others?

Turnaround #2
My father always treats my siblings the same way than he treats me.

Maybe this is true. Maybe he thinks about each of us in turn, based on where we are in life. Maybe I see it more clearly when he pays attention to others - and do not realize it as much when he pays attention to me.

So give your question a few turns. How does it seem when you say it in different ways? Could it be true that way too?

O.k.

I feel tired in my heart for always being nice.

I don't have a problem wearing my emotions on my sleeve, or saying what I think, but it's more of a quip (whisp) and then what's foremost is putting someone else's feelings first and that makes me, at least these days, feel like I'm lacking.

It's hard to explain, but I can feel, actually, before I think. And, I feel a lot more energy going out than comeing in.

So, with this exercise I'd like to change that. The reason being is that I feel I would actually get a lot farther in my own goals if I could just learn to walk away.