I see that you're functioning enough to use a computer, get online and figure out how to post to a forum--that's great! It sounds like your past is a heavy burden you bear, like many other people living on this fallen planet. Things are messed up now, for sure, but will all be put right. Meanwhile, focusing on a true relationship with Jesus will be your most powerful tool for figuring out how to live. Pray about that. Have you asked Him to save you, turned away from sin and dedicated yourself to following Him?
Sometimes you might not recognize God when He steps in to help. Have any people helped you to figure out a good next step in your life? Have you asked people for help figuring things out? If you don't have a church family, look for a good, Bible believing church to attend. Pay attention to the teaching, get to know the people, help where you can...being part of the Body of Christ is a huge source of help and encouragement in my life.
Let me know how you're doing...I'd be glad to talk with you some more about these things.