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Joined: Apr 2010
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cootie Offline OP
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Hi all, I have been married 10 years, w/ him 13. No kids. I am early 40s, he is early 50s. For the last 5 years we have not had a regular sex life. Maybe once a year. I have no interest in sex with him, although my sex drive is alive and well. I feel that hubby has simply become a good friend. There is no real desire in me to fix this, because it would feel like having sex with a friend that I am not attracted to that way. Like, I don't want to go there. He doesn't seem to miss the sex either. I want more from a marriage. Life is short, I want to share passion and attraction w/ my partner. Hubby was 50 lbs overweight when we met and I was ok w/ that. He has been maybe 125 lbs overweight for...9 years? Thing is, even tho the weight issue bothers me enough to split, I am unsure if he lost it if that would help. Do all marriages become sexless after 10 years? We are separated (3 weeks) but feel so guilty (he is a good man and a good hubby) for hurting him. When I try to go home, I feel stagnant and heavy. When away I am grieving and scared, but with moments of hope and feeling alive. I don't know what to do. This is so awful. Any advise would be appreciated!

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Parakeet
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Parakeet
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How does he feel about the separation? Have you spoken with him since the separation?

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First of all, congratulations for being married for 10 years! After reading your post it is evident that you have basically, solved half of your problem, when you said you feel stagnant and heavy when you go home. This brings me to the basic Law of the Conservation of Energy, which states energy is neither created nor destroyed, but transferred. So that same good vibing energy you felt for him when you first married him is still there, it's just stagnant, and to remedy your situation you must "revamp" that energy and get it moving and re-excited. I would recommend you get images of mandarin ducks and put them up around your house. Read the love story of mandarin ducks. Mandarin ducks mate for life and have a great reputation for refreshing and renewing everlasting love. If the male duck is separated from the female duck, he will die of loneliness. Mandarin duck images make you feel good (which is the emotion you really need at this critical time) and offers great clarification. Another good remedy are peach blossoms, I usually only recommend peach blossoms for single women looking for a husband, however, in your case you need them for "extra springiness". Between the "mandarin ducks" and "peach blossoms" I get a sense of little "blooming ducklings," this is interesting, keep us posted on your results, which will be instantaneous!

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Shark
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"Manderin ducks" and "Peach blossums" eek .... What???... You've got to be joking!

Let's get serious here.
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To Topaz: Um, I assume by the Mandarin ducks and peach blossoms, you're trying to use feng shui to help this situation? In any case, peach blossoms will not be a good thing for their bedroom as they will encourage infidelity, a third party or a roving eye on his part.

Before applying feng shui principles, she needs to be clear on what she wants lest she unintentionally attracts the wrong results.

To cootie: I can understand how you feel. It's too bad you did not address the sex life problem earlier because the longer it went on, the more distant you've become from him. Sex is bonding. And no, dear, marriages don't naturally become sexless after ten years.

His lagging sex drive is affected by at least two factors: his age and poor health (weight). Possibly other issues, too. But age and weight gain will most certainly suppress a man's libido.

Your diminished sex drive is due to disuse and, well, frankly, lack of sexual attraction to your mate. That is unfortunate. Ask yourself how you felt about him--sexually--when you first married. If you never felt sexually attracted to him, chances are, that won't change as hormones and sexual chemistry have a lot to do with coupling. If you did feel it at first and it has waned, you can get it back.

Have you talked to him about the real reason why you are leaving? Can you both get healthy together? Wouldn't you do that for a good friend, if not your lover? Be good friends during this time. Get counseling, too.

You're right that life is short. You are the only one who can say whether you want to invest the time and effort into making your marriage work or give it one more try. You could separate and be friends during the separation. Help him lose weight and get fit. See how you feel as time goes on.

Your fear and guilt will lessen as you both stay friends during the separation. And living on your own will give you hope and feelings of "being alive." But you never know. You might fall in love with him all over again.

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Chi: A lot of what you say makes a lot of sense to me. I was in a sexless marriage for many years and when you don't use it you do lose it, but a year ago when trying to save my marriage I realized that the chemistry that brings a couple together can be revitalized. For me just reading old letters we gave each other many years ago stirred up the fire within me for my husband again, and I was willing to work on getting our sex life back.

Unfortunately he did not feel the same towards me anymore, but your statement is true that you can get the feelings back that you once had for your spouse. In my case we waited too long to address the situation, and that contributed to the downfall of our marriage. So many years without the bonding really took its toll, and my husband just did not want to try anymore.

Both of us were guilty of having extra weight too and I know that played a part in decreased libido for both of us. I have lost a good amount of weight this year and I notice a big change in my attitude towards sex. My new man loves my body and that only makes me want to be intimate more often because I feel like a sexy woman again. It is actually fun too, which I never thought sex could be. It does help to take good care of yourself.


Debbie Grejdus
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