BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships I want marriage, my partner doesn't...what to do?!

Hey there, I need some re-assurance/advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years. We have been living together for about a year and a half and I am starting to think about marriage, especially since so many others around us are doing it. Marriage is something I want, what girl doesn't? It is the ultimate symbol of commitment to your partner, a good example for your kids, and there are many legal pluses there too. Yet, I also see reasons why it isn't necessary; for example, I am not religious and I see many couples who raise families together and remain very happy together without marriage. The problem I have is that my boyfriend doesn't want marriage, he was badly emotionally scarred from his dad's infedelity and his parents' nasty divorce. He offers many reasons why it just isn't for him. He does, however, tell me he'd like to have kids with me someday and we are currently looking at houses together. So...I don't know what to do! I don't think it's logical to leave someone you love and are very happy with for the sole reason that they don't want to marry. But on the other hand, I don't want to settle and have to comprimise on something I want very badly! Any advice!?

It's most likely that if your partner eventually sees things your way, in future conflicts it will likely be use as an excuse of being force into a commitment. Marriage is more than just a religious obligation but use as a symbol of unity between two people or as mentioned to gain the legal benefit of being married. You may want to try to live together for a couple of years and bring the subject of marriage up later. If you still feel strongly about wanting to get married and your partner still don’t want to commit, than it is up to you to make a decision. Just remember that marriage cannot guarantee happiness. One advice though, before trying to a child together you must be clear of what you both want as having another life in picture will likely change whole lot of things.

Hi. I can relate to your feelings. I, too, am in a relationship with a man who does not want marriage. We both have been divorced (me twice) and he says he was married the appropriate number of times. He is committed to me and my daughter, but I don't like the idea of living together outside of marriage. Especially when I tell my daughter otherwise. My daughter is 14. About the only difference with my situation is, religion is a factor for me. The longer I go, the worse I feel, but otherwise he is a great man. He came into our lives at a time when Jess and I were at each other constantly. He has been able to change that all around. He is there for both of us no matter what the circumstances. My family loves him and he helps me financially. I don't know if I could let him go, emotionally. I know this doesn't help, but you are not alone. I keep praying he will come around. He has on so many things in the past. Leann

Marriage changes expectations and roles in a relationship. It raises the bar, so to speak, on commitment.

Some people can't put a finger on why they don't want to marry but it is usually out of fear. Fear that the relationship will change. Fear of being stuck. Fear of ruining the good relationship that already exists.

We want to know that this person we love will never leave us. That he or she pledges to love us exclusively forever. We want to know that when things get tough, we can count on him. We want to announce to the world that out of all the people on earth, THIS is our partner. If we're religious, we want to follow the counsel of God and Christ and vow to be a loving spouse to one and only one.

Those are the emotions and thoughts behind the desire for marriage. And yet...if you look at this again, you can see that marriage does not guarantee any of the above. A marriage contract can, and often is, broken. What is the point of signing a marriage contract when it can be so easily broken, anyway?

Unless you have religious reasons for marrying, I would encourage you not to let go of a good thing because of your partner's fear of commitment. Pressure him to marry and he'll back off because he sees this as only an omen of things to come after the marriage. And, it's true because once you're married, it seems that husbands and wives expect each other to do or become what the other wants.

Focus on the love you share and he will never want to let you go. Then, the fear of losing you will be greater than his fear of commitment and that is when he will propose. But the only way to make him get to that point is not through manipulation or pressure but by simply being the most wonderful, loving, understanding, amazing, supportive, fun, happy, uplifting woman in the world and he will not want to let you go.

Just my two cents.

I agree entirely with what Chi-Japanese food says and it is sensible advice. I was living in the UK with someone for 19 years and we had a very happy time together. Some people, like I used to be, just dont want to commit to that final piece of paper. I was lucky as neither of us wanted to get married - she because she had been 2x before and me - well, because I did not like committment. Having said that, I was totally committed but on my terms. Some people look for the whole of their life to find happiness and never find it, but you have found happiness and you still want more. Accept it for what it is, love him for what he feels able to give you, and give him what you are able to give. Be grateful for current happiness and know that you will always have that memory in your heart forever, whatever the future will brings. I think that unless we are destined to become monks or nuns, many people feel the need for an earthly partner, and I wonder how much God wants us to be married if it makes us unhappy or resentful. Personally (and I am not religious) I would seriously consider if the piece of paper(marriage certificate) is worth the arguments you may have after you have got it. Why ruin a good relationship?

Trixiemack, since you're not religious, there's really no reason to push for marriage just because you want it badly. Do you want the marriage contract or do you want simply to know that you and he are committed to each other? Because too many wives will tell you that a marriage license didn't stop their husbands from cheating or leaving.

You want love and loyalty and he is proving that to you every day he is with you. A marriage license will only offer you false peace of mind.

In a perfect world, a marriage license means that two people have taken vows of commitment that they promise will last forever. But it isn't that way in real life.

Let go of the illusion you're grasping at and hold onto the happiness that is already in your hand.

I wouldn't give the same advice to someone who has deep religious beliefs about marriage, but you said you were not religious so this has nothing to do with sinning from living together out of wedlock.

Good luck!

You just have to accept it or move on. We can't change anyone but ourselves. If you do get him to marry you and his heart isn't in it the marriages usually fail. Try and put yourself in his place.

I have a fear of confined spaces. No person in the world is going to take away that fear. It may be a dumb fear but when I was a kid my cousin zipped me in a sleeping bag and it took my Mom an hour to find me. Some things just stay with us for life...

if you really want marriage and he doesn't time to move on. Otherwise you are waisting precious time. People rarely change.

Hey there... many of these posters are telling you that you shouldnt push it and to move in with him and see how it goesz... in my opinion this is not a sound piece of advice. Me, 32 going on 33, lived with one guy for 2 years, broke up, was enaged for 4 years I threw him out after he turned abusive and now... I am with a man 42, no kids never married and he is WONDERFUL, truly the cats meow and we fit in so many ways except for he doesnt want to get married (was badly burned with an engagement before). I think that if this is something you NEED which is entirely legitimate and for your own reasons (the same his is legitimate and for his own reasons) do NOT NOT NOT (I repeat) NOT move in with him... Ive heard of so many women with men 5,6,7 years with kids still pining for that committed legal existence and the men getting the milk for free... excuse the horrible euphamism....Ive rarely heard of women getting what they want once they have moved in.... I have had emotional, sad, hard conversations with my partner, we have been together for 8 months and while i am not ready to marry him... him saying that he categorically does not believe in marriage... well that ends the conversation. I told him I would give him 6 months to rethink his assumptions and if he feels the same way we will need to part ways. As much as I dont want to... I know what I NEED and I know I will resent the relationship. he says, its just a piece of paper.... well if its just a paper to you and you see what it means for me... then why the resistance? in the meantime i can only be the best GF I can be and respect and love and cherish him as best I can and hope that he may find his heart turning because we are all capable of change.