BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage MIL says I need a complete makeover

I';ve been housebound with my MIL this past week and now that we are "kind of" on talking terms, today my MIL said I need a complete overall to make her son happy (of course he was not home during her "advice"). She said that HE told her...I need to go get my hair and nails done because I look a mess all the time. I need to wear sexy clothes -I don't turn him on with what I wear. I need a new attitude, because I always walk around looking sad. The best one...I need to use one of those feminine hygiene things for freshness (that one HURT because I do). Wait...one more...that I went to his job one day and someone was talking about how bad I looked and he was so embarrassed that he didn't want me coming to his job anymore. I've been there once and he keeps asking me to stop by again.
Now my hubby and I talk about a lot and he has NEVER mentioned any of those things to me. If anything he is always telling me I smell good (I take about 3 showers a day) and that I'm so pretty.

If I tell him what she said, he'll go back and say something to her which will start our "war" all over again. In the past he has told me to stop listening to her, if I have questions I should ask him directly and if he needs me to change anything, he will tell me directly. Part of me though can't help but wonder what he did tell her because I know she will take a simple comment and blow it up WAY out of proporation to start a rift.

This woman is so EVIL!!!! I pray everyday for God to give me a forgiving heart and the strength to ignore her until she leaves. I'm just not sure how much more I can take.

Dianne, I think you know she's yanking your chain here. Most men can't sit through a commercial for feminine products much less discuss it with anyone. If your husband is talking about such things with his mom, your problem is way bigger than her.

But, I know it's hard to "let it go" like he advises. So, turn it around. Tell her you've been thinking about it and it's a great idea and ask her to put a bug in your husband's ear that a trip to a day spa complete with mani/ped, massage, facial, hair & makeup and gift certificate for some new threads would be a wonderful Mother's Day present (or Easter or anything). Print out what you really want, make it as expensive as possible & really, really impress upon how you know she'll be able to make this happen for you and you'll be eternally grateful.

Or, just go out & do it and tell hubby after the fact that your mom's constant comments about your appearance were wearing you down you needed a little pick-me-up and you knew he'd agree. I think $500 is the minimum that it would take to wash her comments away. You might need $1,000 to get some really nice sexy clothes as well.

Wow D,

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this nasty woman. My boyfriend's mom was here for 10 days and even though she is a great lady I really had a hard time with her smart a** sense of humor (constantly cracking jokes to be funny but mostly just came across as obnoxious). I think I would go postal if I had an MIL like yours.

It sounds like your MIL is jealous of your relationship, or maybe that's what she actually thinks of herself (projecting her own insecurities onto you). She's also probably very unhappy to have to rely on you like this. I think when people perceive their life is not going according to plan they tend to act out to make others feel as horrible as they feel.

I would give Deb's idea a try! $1000 shopping spree sounds like just the thing she's suggesting. Maybe she should pay for 1/2 since it was her idea ; )

I think Deb's idea is BRILLIANT. You'll get a nice day and new clothes, and it will shut her up. I love the idea that you can be all, "you are so right!" and then follow her 'advice' to make your life nicer. Ha!

Really, this woman sounds like she needs a hobby.

That old dragon is a right nasty bit of stuff, isn't she?

I don't know that I agree very much with the above recommendations. Do not make your husband pay for his mother's petty jealously. That she chose to try to wound you on this level should tell you how beautiful her son thinks you are. I'm sure that the reason you and he have the kind of relationship you do is because you are above this kind of thing. That would be *her* game. I'm sure the emotional cost of keeping such a mother must be enormous for your husband and his family. You, dear, are a breath of fresh air to him, I'm sure. (P.S. My husband would divorce me if I started using Febreze on my ...)

Love is not measured by manicures, and I'm sure you know that. Too bad your MIL doesn't. Isn't it amazing how some of these triflin' women manage to produce men who can be such marvelous mates?

Good luck, and keep your chin up.

Everything she say you, back on her.

I don't know if you've heard of this, but my SIL taught me once when I was very emotional about my father.

When someone is attacking you emotionally, close your eyes for a second and surround yourself with light and a good, thick plexiglass shield. (You can see and hear, but it's muffled...and nothing can really get through it.)

I still have my shield, it's in the back of the closet. In the old days, I amused myself by decorating it with precious stones when people on the other side of it were going: "blah, blah, blah..." Believe me, it helps. When other people try to demean or belittle you, it helps to have a shield.

And in the other hand, a pen.
(Which we all know is mightier than the sword.)

Hang tight, sister.

Tell her to concentrate on polishing her horns and making sure her broom is ready for take off! What a cow! I'm sorry, but unless she is slipping into an age related mental illness, you don't have to grin and bear it. Don't let her have the power to upset you. When she suggests tips for you get a little notepad and write them down as if for you to act on later. When the time is right, and you'll know when that is, remind everyone in earshot of the helpful hints she gave you. Save the money for a great break away, ALONE. That should make your skin glow with health.....

I think Deb is on the right track, but you should get her to pay (at least for the mani/pedi/hair - you probably don't want her picking out clothes for you.) Something like "Oh, you are so right, but hubby works so hard to provide for us, I hate spending his hard earned money on expensive salon services. I do my best on my own, but I'm just not a professional. I'm sure you'd love to help him out by taking me to the salon, let me go make an appointment right now."

From the sounds of things, your husband probably said he wished you pampered yourself more. :-)

But you shouldn't have to put up with this kind of thing. Bring it up with all of you together. Don't be accusing, concern for the family budget is a good excuse. Confirm with your husband, in front of her that he's comfortable with you spending the extra money. "Your mom mentioned that you wish I got my hair and nails done more often. Before I set up regular appointments, I wanted to make sure that you are ok with the extra expenses, because I know you don't keep track of salon prices and it might take away from saving for [some financial goal you and your husband have.]" (You can do this after you get her to pay for the first one!)

Good luck!

Julie

You all are so awesome!!! I will admit she had me in tears last night.
Thank you for the suggestions, comments and kind words. It seems like the happier my hubby and I are, the deeper she digs down in her little sack-o-insults.
I will tell you this though -I'm not a MIL yet, my 24 yr old isn't married yet, but I will definitely remember this nightmare and know that will make me a better MIL.

I think your mother in law needs a makeover or a lobodomy. You just don't even believe any of the stuff she tells you. She should be happy that her son found such a nice caring person to spend the rest of his life with! Chin up girl!

Dianne - I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Deb is *brilliant* and exactly on point. The MIL is feeling insecure and her only way of getting "her lover back" is to drive you away. She's obviously making up lies.

So the key is to first take a deep breath, and realize she's doing this because she's scared. The love of her life has been "stolen" from her (in her mind) and she desperately wants him back. It's very sad that her own life is so insecure that this is what she feels she has to do. Imagine her as a really frightened 2 year old child. She says wild things out of her fear and pain. She'll say anything. You don't take a 2 year old seriously when she screams "I hate you!" I don't mean you should condescend to your MIL, but that you should have compassion.

That being said, being compassionate does not mean you let yourself be a doormat. You need to be gentle but firm. Deb's idea is AWESOME. Nod and agree that a refreshing spa visit would be PERFECT to cheer you up, to get you a fresh haircut and a glowing complexion! That would be just what she wants! Ask her for recommendations and hint that you would be happy to get it as your Easter present

Dianne, Dianne, Dianne...she's still toying with you. Remember what I told you? Being happy is the best revenge.

Never show her that she--or any of her comments--are getting to you. When she says anything mean, simply laugh and ignore her. Think of it as babbling coming from a senile crazy woman. When she gets that way, pretend she is invisible. Only give her attention if she is being civil.

Smile, laugh, be happy with your husband and children.

Do not, for one second, give any credence or thought to the horrible things she says. That is how misery spreads. Be like a duck and let it roll off your back like water.

But Deb's idea is good. Use what she said as an excuse to spend time and money on yourself with new clothes, haircut, spa treatment, whatever. Tell her, "Thanks for the tip!"

Thanks everybody...every day or so I come back to this post and read and it makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER!!!

I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but she continues to find that crack in my armour every time I seal another one up. He's taking her away back to NY for the rest of the week. 400 miles between me and her. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders today.

They are supposed to be going to pick up her friend so that they can look for an apartment together. How awesome would that be!!!
I don't care if she moves around the corner (oops there are no apartment buildings within a 5 mile radius...yesssss)

Diane, i am so glad you feel better. keep several hundreds miles b/t you and her, and it can only be a good thing.

Remember you are great just the way you are. Talk to yourself in a positive caring way to wash out her bad taste.

It seems your MIL is jealous of you. When she says things to you, just laugh it off and change the subject. I know this is hard to do, but if she sees it's not working anymore to upset you, then maybe she will stop playing her game. Sit down and tell your husband what she is saying then in quiet. Be honest with him, but don't put him in the middle. I wish you all the best, and remember chin up and smile. This will be the best remedy.