BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Meditation Dealing with Criticism

One of the things brought up in meditation class 3 was not directly about meditation, so I've put this separate, but it was something everyone found quite powerful so I thought I would mention it.

We were talking about musicians and how they go into the zone, how their years of practice mean when they are in a stressful situation they can rely on that practice to carry them through. The practice in quiet times means when they're on stage and in pressure that their practice takes over and they are OK.

One of the group members said that he loves Eric Clapton, the guitarist. Eric was once approached by a reporter, who wanted to know what he thought about a critic's harsh review of a song Eric had written. Eric responded along the lines of

"What this man feels is none of my business."

The group agreed that this was a very powerful statement to absorb. People out there in the world hold countless different opinions, and have a perfect right to those opinions. But what they choose to feel should - in general - not have an impact on how we choose to run our lives. Of course there are caveats, as with anything in life, but in general most people let "casual criticism" from strangers have far more of an impact than is healthy.

I always let casual criticism ruin my day. It's part of my anxiety disorder. I try to work with it and usually fail. Thank gos for Atavan for when it gets truly bad.

One of the best books I've read on dealing with what others think, don't think, do or don't do is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie and the Clapton quote is something she says a lot--it's not my business. It's a very powerful thought and quite freeing once you learn to apply it.

She has a questions system for evaluating the things that make us anxious & depressed that's quite helpful. I found it very helpful in dealing with a breakup.

I even made a little sign that said "Stay in Your Business" to remind me that what others think & do is not my concern, not my job.

Also, I think I've always felt that "catty" criticism is more a reflection of the person criticizing than of me. If it's constructive, there's a big difference, but most criticism is simply someone else's opinion and usually a result of the fact that they are avoiding taking a closer look at themselves.

Depending on what the criticism is and who gives it...I do sometimes tend to take offense. I have a family member who I feel is ALWAYS critizing. Something can't just be good. It's always "good, but..."

I totally agree with the statement however and if I could train my brain to think that way, how glorious!!!

I used to be ultra-sensitive to criticism. It was debilitating! As a person who was raised to be a pleaser, I was astute at reading people's body language for any hint of disapproval. It wreaked havoc on my life for years. I still have to reassure myself that this is a problem in my head that I can manage.

Only now, after many years, have I grown past this. Here is what helped me:

1. Just as Eric Clapton said, I don't let myself get embroiled in another person's mental business. Usually, critical people are in a world of hurt and struggle with emotional baggage that they project outwardly. Critical people are not whole or happy. I can't fix them.
2. As BellaDeb said, criticism is a reflection of the person who is spewing out those negative remarks. People see through their own lenses colored by how clean or dirty their hearts are. The feelings of an unkind heart will flow through the lips.
3. I don't give people the power to judge me. Only God and Christ will judge me fairly. I am thankful for that.
4. I believe in myself--finally. It doesn't matter what others think of me. I believe in myself. I forgive myself for mistakes. I acknowledge that I am learning life lessons and am imperfect. I need cheering and encouragement to keep on going in life and not criticism. (BTW, that doesn't mean I don't do a lot of internal reflection for improvement. I am my own harsh critic! That job is taken so there is no room for anyone else.)

I do not give any of my energy to futile acts like worrying about what others think of me...anymore. I know that there will be people here on earth who will not like me, not respect me, think the worst of me, etc. etc. I am sorry for that but it's okay. I just told my sister who is struggling with cricitism that people who like and love you will always think the best of you no matter what you do. On the other end of the spectrum, there will be those who will always find fault and think the worst of you no matter what you do and no matter what the truth is. I don't bother trying to change people's minds because, well, see #1 and #2 above.

I've learned to love myself and love others with no strings, no expectations of reciprocation. Unconditionally. It isn't always easy, but I really really really try. Everyone has his or her reasons for being the way he is. I make mistakes so when others make them (like criticizing me harshly), I try to remember that I have made mistakes like that, too. And I forgive them in my heart...and pray I will not make that same mistake myself again.

I don't suffer with criticism now as much as my younger years, for some reason, as a senior, it doesn't seem to stick to me, but rather like oil glides away.

And, I know the the one criticising is unhappy in some way so I pray for them.

That said, I do look for a bit of truth in their statements for my own self-improvement.

If criticism comes via email I hit the Delete key.

Have a beautiful day - it's almost Spring!

Susan, you are inspiring. How can i be more like you? I lie awake for hours ruminating on my failures to be understood or approved of.

Jilly - add Deb's book to your library list for when you get to CA. No rush. Don't look for it now. But know it awaits you in CA and will help guide you on the path.

In the meantime, Deb's sign sounds AWESOME!! Make up the sign and stick it by your computer, and remind yourself that YOUR business is what is important, and what matters! Would you let someone else choose the color of your bathroom? No! That is your personal space. Your business is your personal space too!

Dianne - one of the visual exercises in class 3 was specifically about dealing with a person who you had conflict with. Maybe give those exercises a try, to help re-train your brain into new patterns with this person! I realize you can't ever change another person, but you can change your reactions and sometimes just doing that evokes a change in them too!

Deb, I totally need to find that book. I am going to bookmark it on Amazon. And the sign idea for Stay in My Business sounds like a very good one for me to post. Thank you!