BellaOnline Forums Family 12 Step Recovery Compulsive Spending, Debt, DA?

To Sarahspiral and others: Thanks for your posts and sharing your story regarding your husband's compulsive spending habits. I too have a spouse that is in serious trouble with debt, denial and chronic under earning. I, like you, have a small child who came to me later in life. I inquired today at DA about whether any literature exists, and they tell me no. It is so very curious, as financial irresponsiblity wreaks havoc on the entire family. The addiction is insidious. I am considering divorce, though with some trepidation as I don't know what my rights are with respect to having to pay half of his debt. Would like to talke this offline to perhaps to compare notes. Anyone out there have any ideas for the spouses who are suffering? Regards, Josie3

Josie,

There may not be any specific information about DA but that shouldn't stop you from reading literature from AA or any of the other 12 Step programs. The only thing that changes is the addiction. Believe me, the behaviors are all the same. Since you are not an addict of any kind (so it seems) it is very difficult for you to understand how he can be so selfish no matter what the result. If he is in denial and will not accept any type of help, you may have to go it on your own as frightening as that might be. You should go to Al-Anon meetings. These are for people like yourself who are struggling with an addicted family member. It teaches you how to take care of YOU no matter if your spouse is willing to get help or not.

Bottom line is that there is help out there for you. It doesn't have to say "DA". The important thing is that you must take care of you and your child. An addiction is a disease and without help, like any disease, the outcome will not be a positive one.

I hope this helps and for you to know you are not alone.

Blessings,
Kathy

Kathy, Thank you so very much for your note. Just sent a "PM" but not sure how it works . . . Your insights are helpful, and I will look into a local Al-Anon meeting as behaviors and damage associated with the "addiction" are transferable. Appreciate your reply and will keep you posted on progress. Josie

Josie,

I did get the PM note. If you need any further help or just someone to hear you, don't hesitate to email me. You can do that privately by going to the 12 Step Recovery site here at BellaOnline. Please let me know how you are doing and also please know that no matter how bad things seem there is a solution. My favorite saying is "the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you". You will be fine.

Blessings,
Kathy

Hi JOSIE or whomever is online now. I have ONT been to this site for many months and I am reading here and it is amazing support and wisdom!!! If you do read this let's try to take this off line since we are going through similar things. FYI: I run my own business and I have a 6 year old so i do not have much time but i wilL MAKE the time if this is useful to all. I have to say that I too am considering divorce (WOULD LOVE feedback from Kathy if possible). I was in al-anon for 10 years (no kidding) and I moved to a small town in Canada and the meetings are crazy and boundary-less eg: people cross talk and comment on other shares during a meeting, the do NOT follow the steps. it is very sad. I will try other meetings but I do not have much time. I still read literature, pray and make al-anon calls here and there. I need my program. I have NOT been in program regularly for 6 years and I need it badly. I am trying to find an al-anon forum that i can FIGURE OUT online. Kahty, can you direct me. I need help I have done tons of healing in my life and therapy, al-anon and yoga are the best. i call it my "Trinity". This is for JOSIE: I did speak to 2 lawyers about the debt of a SPOUSE. This is the deal: If you did NOT SIGN his credit cards and if you are ONLY a "supplemental card holder" you are NOT responsible for his debt, period. Change your credit cards now if you can. Also, if you own the house together that could be a problem if you have a high mortgage. Further, try to take all of the ultilities OUT of your name if you plan to move out after a divorce. Make sure you look into all of the practical items before leaving. It is worth $300 to speak to a good divorce lawyer for an hour. Frankly, a bankruptcy lawyer is even better as they know all of the debt laws. I would also try to get some serious money in YOUR NAME only. Do you have any money from BEFORE your marriage - if so, he cannot touch it. Move it into a bank that he does not know about if you are planning on leaving or put cash in a safe deposit box. Sorry for this detail but you must protect your child and yourself. Debting can effect everyone. My husband is 13 years older (he is 60) and I even made a "creditor proof" Will for him because he is in so much debt. he did agree to this. I do not want some crazy [censored] after he dies. I refuse to clean up his messes. To be honest, his debting has gotten better in the past 7 years of marriage. I have basically "detached" spoken to lawyers and save my own money. He agreed to put mostly everything of value in MY name -eg: we will own our house in 1 year and it is my name. He ONLY did this for our child I do know that your situation is different because your husband under earns. You simply need to check all of the facts. Do not save too much money or you may owe him alimony! Check this with a lawyer. I am so sorry for your situation. Believe me, mine is crazy! Although my husband makes good money he is 60 years old and has NO savings or retirement. He just started this year after i bugged him. He does listen to me now but I am so exhausted with him and we have other major problems. I believe that he has a serious mental health issue eg: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and he will not get treatment. There are still some good things but mostly it is exhausting. I am 47 years old and trying to start over with a 6 year old. I have a "Plan" but i do NOT yet have the courage to leave. I need my al-anon back. I have lost my center. Sorry to go on and on but I need HELP!!! i would love to hear from kathy or josie. peace, Sarah

Sarah, I spend more time on my articles and answering emails from the 12 Step Recovery page so I'm sorry that I'm just now reading your post. I would like to write you privately and I would not ask for your email in a somewhat public forum. However, if you would like to communicate go to the BellaOnline site, then Family, then 12 Step Recovery and submit a "comment" via email. I will then have your email address. I always answer my emails on that site and it is private and anonymous. Hope to hear from you soon.

Blessings,
Kathy