BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need advice... please.

This is long, so whoever stays... thank you :) I am having a confusing week this week. I am completely aware of my own patterns but I can't control them when they become apparent to me! Ok, let me be a little less cryptic... I am married. We have been together for 8 years (Only just married in September 09). We have two children and I am pregnant with our third. Every few years, I get into a bit of a depressive state and the first person I look at is my husband! poor guy. I guess I have to admit that we go through long periods without sex. I have a large sex drive, but I don't want to do it with him as often as he would like and I think it's because I feel it's obligated. There have been SO many times that I've just wanted to cuddle and it's turned into sex because he's wanted it. So, i don't even like to cuddle much anymore. I keep away because a touch will mean more. I like the chase! I like to feel that I can hunt him down and we can rumble a little, but i hate feeling like "Honey, it's that time again"!! Am I crazy??? I respect him alot. And have learnt so much from him, but i find it hard to imagine myself staying with him forever, which makes me sad. He's always trying to better himself and when he does that, we all have to go along. And that feels bothersome too. I know it sounds great and I do agree with most things that he comes up with, but I want to feel like I can pick and choose, not do something just because he says it should be done that way. I worry about our kids being able to make their own decision's when they will know that daddy won't aprove of a certain way. I believe that will be our major downfall. I see it already. He wants them to do the right thing like prefer a vegetable when they preffer a chocolate! lol. My kids will eat their vegies despite hating them, and that's good enough for me. But he has to persist in telling them how bad that is. As if a 5 year old will think a brussel sprout tastes better than a bar packed with sugar. I can't disagree though, because I know he's right, but it bothers me that every conersation has to be like that.. what ever happened to variety? just doing what you feel at the moment? letting kids be kids? This all sounds so depressing! lol! In all honesty, I know I still love him, but it's not like before and at the moment I just feel that it's more of a respect relationship than anything else. He makes me laugh, but most times I just feel like the convo's we have leave me screaming in my own brain to escape! lol... sory about the lol's, but you have to laugh or cry. Maybe i'm making a biger deal out of this... He's not an awful man and he's a great dad. Why do I keep feeling this way about him from time to time? Help anyone??? Or anyone in the same boat? Thanks xx J

I think you are feeling quite normal, but I think you are talking to the wrong people. This is a conversation you need to be having with your husband - as hard as it is to imagine doing so.

He may not realize how crazy he is driving everyone. He is borderline abusive in his controlling ways. I'm not saying he is being abusive - just that he is leaning towards that "everything must be my way" mentality that so many abusers have.

You are an individual your children are each individuals not little automatons or copies of him. They have a right to feel and believe what they like as long as they are doing it in a safe manner. Like you said, they are eating their veggies - they don't have to love every single one of them!

As far as the sex thing goes, I think this may be a little bit of your subconciosu getting back at him for his treatment of you. You don't do this intentionally, it is just a little reaction deep in your psyche that is kind of going "ha ha this is something you can't control." I think if the 2 of you could work out things in "out loud" life, then you would find that you wouldn't feel this dichotomy of sexual tension with him.

OK - there's my amateur psychology report for the day

Thanks so much. I know you're right. We had a BIG argument over two years ago, I tend to keep things to myself because sometimes just bringing them up starts an argument. We ended up not talking for two weeks, then arguing over leaving and then resolving the issues. It's been a great two years and now I'm doing the same thing again and letting things fester up inside me... really annoying. I do believe that he has controlling qualities and finds it hard to except when people won't do thins his way... but i also know that he is willing to change for his family, he's proved this in the past and that's why I can't say it's all his fault. I need to change some things too I guess. I also have other things on my mind that are bothering me. Just found out I have a Hyper Thyroid whilst i'm pregnant and my daughter starts school on Tuesday after being by my side for 5 years :( I'm worried about her being with strange people and childen I don't know, that's from my own childhood. I may wait until Tuesday to have a word to him and let him know I'm a little under the weather. I really liked that you didn't jump in here and start raving on about how i should leave him, because that's happened before too and only further complicated my emotions. If that was going to happen, I wouldn't need others to tell me to do it. But i do love him and that's why we're still together. Thanks so much again for your advice, it was really very helpful. :) xx J

Ok my suggestion? Couples counselling is not always for the couples that are in the middle of trying to sort through bad break ups etc. They can also be used to help a couple communicate more affectively with one another. Communication is a major key to be missing because if you cant talk to him you cant expect him to change any of the behaviours that are upsetting you and vice versa. Not that im saying he needs to change, merely that he needs to be aware of how his behaviour affects the household.. It could be that he feels out of control in other areas of his life so he comes home to try to have the house be the way he wants it to be. BUT and its a big but, there are two people (not to mention the children) in your household, so you guys need to work as a team and unfortunately he may not understand how important this team work is yet.