BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Does Helping Others Really Help You?

As a society, we encourage helping others and giving to others. Just look at all the ways to help Haiti popping up lately. But do you give out of pity, guilt, or duty? Or do you see it as a win-win- they benefit, and you benefit as well? Personally, it gives me great joy to give. I've come to re-define wealth as having enough to go beyond my own needs enough to give to a friend or charity in need, and that attitude really frees me from the rat race of keeping up with the Joneses. Also, I know I'm a person of skill, knowledge, or influence when I'm able to help another with something they couldn't do alone. That's a great self-esteem boost. To be able to land someone a job, help them get a website up, or even just get them groceries when they are sick is a profound sort of power that needs more weight in the ways we judge our lives and selves. Do you let your power to help others make you feel good? Does helping them help you?

I think that's an excellent question, Nyya. I think it would be a shame to give out of guilt, for example. There are enough things in the world already which wear us down. We shouldn't take on extra guilt because our finances are tight and we cannot - at the moment - help others out.

If someone does want to help with a cause, then they can investigate ways they can help that are possible at the moment. If something simply isn't possible, they shouldn't feel guilty about that. If they want, they can make it as a goal in their life - to earn enough to donate $X to charity - and then work on that goal. But feeling guilty in the meantime doesn't help anyone. It doesn't help those in need, and it doesn't help you as a person reach your goals.

Nyya,

What a great attitude! I have come to believe that sharing and helping others is the way to happiness and living a more fulfilling life. However, never give out of guilt. There are so many way that we can give and help others besides giving money or time. Sometimes we can help by simply being a good listener or showing others the strong faith that we have in them so they have the strength to achieve their dreams.

Thanks for bringing up this good topic.

Lisa and Cara, Thanks for chiming in! I've begun wondering, since posting this, how many people give or do something for another out of guilt... and, knowing personally how hard it can be to say no even when one really truly doesn't have the time or money to spare, what's to be done about that? How do you put the brakes on when you can't give without feeling guilty? I've found some help in the whole "teach a man to fish" idea- I try to give sometimes, and other times, help the person in need to help themselves. Referrals, teaching them new skills, or just giving them an awareness of their true situation or solid a-b-c-d plan sometimes helps. Of course, that falls rather flat with things like the situation in Haiti. And for that, right now, I'm tapped. But I know next month they'll still need help, and are less likely to get it -so sadly- as the news gets older. I also know that people who may have planned on giving to other charities, such as the SPCA or homeless shelters, might have send their earmarked funds to Haiti instead, leaving others in need. So, since I've spent my budget already, I'm okay saying no- for now- becuase I know in months to come they will still need my help; and, even if they didn't, there are others I can help as well.

That is very true. It would be like one person trying to solve the entire Haiti problem on their own. They simply couldn't do it. We can each do our best, and be content that our best was what we could do.

That is awesome to be able to say about one's self. I wish we could all think so kindly and proudly about who we are what we are capable of. I wrestle with self esteem on so many levels. DO you ever find that an issue, or do you always have a pretty good handle on your self esteem?

True. After college, I fully believed I would save the environment, with all my good ideas, my commitment, my knowledge and energy. I really believed that all you had to do to explain what the reality was to people and they would go, "OMG I need to recycle!" or "Right, we will stop dumping fabric dyes into our oceans!"

I thought it would be that simple. The latter half of my 20s was characterized by learning that most people simply do not care. Much disillusionment.

But helping the environment and helping animals DOES help me. It makes me feel happy. Helping people is nice but not my primary interest. When I donated my seattle car and previous RV to a cause, it was the humane society.

I get a nice glow whenever I think about that.

[quote]That is awesome to be able to say about one's self. I wish we could all think so kindly and proudly about who we are what we are capable of. I wrestle with self esteem on so many levels. DO you ever find that an issue, or do you always have a pretty good handle on your self esteem?[/quote] LOL, I guess it depends on my PMS and my scale! Seriously, though, I'm personally an odd mix of knowing, at heart, that I'm a true person of value, while at the same time knowing there are still many things others could judge me harshly on. But when I decided to start giving more importance to my own say about what matters and what doesn't in my life, instead of what Cosmo, the inlaws, people writing "fix your credit score now! articles, etc. thought about how I should live, I found a new peace and freedom. Your self esteem is nothing more than a measurement of your self liking; and like any other measurement, it's relative to what you CHOOSE to compare it to. My debt level is worse than your average college freshman's, not so bad compared to your average entrepreneur, and stellar compared to the national deficit. So who do I compare that to, to know if I should be proud or ashamed of my debt? No one! I'm paying my bills and working towards retirement as best as I personally can- what else matters? I started living once I quit comparing to get a measurement for my worth as a person, and all that energy that used to be negative is now free to help me improve, instead of compare.

Jilly -

I'm not sure I would say people don't care in the sense that they aren't laughing evilly while they drop their can on the side of the road. I think it's more that they are already burnt out on life and there is only so much they can put their already worn out energy towards.

For example, right now there are 15 *million* orphaned children in Africa - children without a mother or father. AIDS is killing off the adults leaving children all alone in homes without anyone to feed or care for them. Often they just die there, alone. Few of us make a daily donation to help save these innocent lives. I'm not sure it's that we don't "care" - it is that we already have other things we are trying to work on and there is only so much we can do.

Lisa, i had to deal with a decade of disillusionment and come to terms with it. It was a very hard journey. I hope you can at least validate the pain I had to deal with in effect to my ego. That is the point I was trying to make.

Hi Nyya, you started this topic asking "Does Helping Others Really Help You?" I would say most definitely YES, especially when one gives and truly expects nothing in return. However people often worry about how best to give without guilt. Or how to help someone who really needs your help but refuses to accept it.

In several cultures there is a specific word for the 'highest' level of giving - when you give unconditionally, without the other person knowing, and without telling ANYONE that you have done so. This could include leaving flowers outside someone's door or sending them money, clothes, etc., with an anonymous note saying "Thank you for all your help", "Thank you for being YOU", etc.

That type of giving (whereby you're the only person in the world who knows that you did the giving ) is said to be the greatest giving of all. Although it's the hardest, it's the most fulfilling!

Jilly -

Oh definitely I realize it is very hard to accept that the world is flawed! There are people starving to death every day. Women are raped every day, simply for being women. Children are beaten simply because they are smaller. There are so many injustices out there that we can feel worn down by them, and frustrated that the world does not instantly rise up to fix them!

It is a hard lesson to learn, that these grave injustices exist, and that we can sleep at night without having sold all of our possessions to try to fix them. It takes a sad acceptance.

Joy - that is fascinating - could you post some of the words? I'd love to adopt them!

When I was a student at Prescott College, I felt this huge guilt all the time that I had a car (as it polluted), that I had freedoms others lacked, that I live without tremendous injustices beaten upon me, that I ate meat from factory farms and non-organic veggies...a whole slew of first world guilt.

I know this is non-productive, the guilt. It took about a decade to come to terms with these things. Now I believe in doing what I can and mostly trying to be happy. There must be a balance.

I actually just saved up a whole bunch of my furniture and antiques for an animal-related thrift store i found here in the verde valley. It felt really good to bring them to a charity junk shop that helped a cause that matters to me. So that felt good. I could have sold these things, but that would have taken time away from other things I do that earn me money.

Does helping others help me? Of course. I like to feel good about myself, and it helps me believe I am at heart a good person.

Lisa, did you mean the words for the 'anonymous giving'?

As just one example, in Judaism there are eight distinctive levels of charity and giving anonymously is the highest level.
It is when someone has a personal relationship with the needy person, helping him with a loan or partnership, etc., but never tells a single soul that they have helped that person.

The next level down is where the donor doesn't know to whom he gives and the recipient doesn't know from whom he receives. (A 'double-blind' giving)

That is so awesome Jilly - and you can also put those on your taxes as a charity donation so they do help you out too!

Joy - yes I was wondering what they are called, when you give purely from the heart and with nobody knowing, because that sounds like a grain aim and mantra.

Hmmm in googling I found the word Tzedakah which means acting in a morally fair way, in relation to providing charity to others, which is a general sense of it, but not the specific "give without expecting praise".

I admit I'm a little weak on this as a 100% plan though. For example BellaOnline donated millions of ads to Haiti in February. I want to tell the editors and visitors about it, because I think they should know that we don't run this site as a money-making project. We all volunteer our time. So it's good for people to know that their time is well spent, that we are achieving really great things with our combined efforts. Otherwise editors might somehow think I was a millionaire here from the site, rather than folding origami and doing other crafts to make ends meet!

Jilly, that's great giving!

Lisa, yes, Tzedakah is one of them and there are nearly 10 different categories of 'giving' within it. There are many other examples, e.g., Muslims give a certain percentage of their income to the needy, no matter what they earn, and you'll find several websites (Christian & otherwise) which have been set up specifically for giving anonymously.

People offer gifts to others for all types of good reasons. When you give anonymously you�re expecting absolutely nothing in return. This is why it�s deemed as the highest form. This 'giving without expecting praise or anything in return' is done mainly by individuals. With organisations it's different as your donations are a way of getting some publicity, which in turn gives back to society.