BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids is it me or do alot of husbands....

seem to change their minds? I find myself thinking about this and worrying especially since my husband is younger than me. I already have seen my friends have children and thought "Ugh, not for me. I want a different lifestyle." I worry when his friends do he will think it's cool or something...I don't know. I've discussed this with my husband. He says that he "loves me and he doesn't care about kids at all" However posting on here I've read some things that have made me nervous. Maybe I am just being silly?

Of course you're not being silly misstalia. I think maybe it's more that men never really truly THINK about the decision until they're at an age when they would consider having a child whereas for women we start thinking ridiculously young as we know it's a choice that will affect us far more than it would affect a man. So the man in his 20s who says 'yeah, no kids is fine with me' who then turns into a 35 year old wanting a family probably hasn't so much 'changed' as finally decided (a decision women would often make years before.) I agree that a lot of the posts here make me feel very nervous about my husband (who is currently in the 'ok, I know you don't want kids so we won't have them' stage) and I'm terrified about him telling me in ten years or so that he does actually want kids but I can't force a definite answer out of him. I think the only thing you can do is always be open and honest and talk to him. Plus, if his friends do have kids, you could make the very good suggestion that your husband 'help out' and babysit for a weekend - I'm sure being woken every couple of hours by a screaming brat would damper any desire for kids he might have! Just make sure you're away for the weekend to let him get the full experience!!

Well,my husband said from the beginning he's neutral. He said he wants a life with me, and doesn't need kids. I BELIEVE HIM OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIM....It's even in our vowels! I told him almost immediatlely about my not wanted to parent, because I wanted to avoid getting married and then 2 years later being back home with my parents because hubby wanted kids and I told him to go F**K himself lol! Also,he seems to mention the good points about being CF often, which is promising. He's open to doing NO KIDDING events. I suppose worrying about him becoming paternal is like me worrying that he'll cheat or tell me he's gay one day...Anything is possible,but what are the chances. I think that the ONLY reason I worry is because he's 22 whereas I am in my late 20s. Although, he does always say...he loves that I'm "NOT like other women, a free spirit who is VERY attentive to him.We both love travel and just hanging out with each other and value our alone time even more than most couples. I think all of these are wonderful signs...I'm just keeping an eye out!


P.S. I like your advice Cabybera!

Wow! You two sound like me and my husband, only I'm the early twenties one, he's the late twenties. There's really nothing to do - you can't force an answer out of him. Someone (I think Gullivera) mentioned on one of my posts the only thing you can do is enjoy the time you have together but acknowledge that one day it might be a problem. Then again, it might not! I think it's best not to worry or it could end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy like women who are paranoid their husband is cheating on them so much so that they alienate their husband who then goes and cheats on them! (Not that this is an excuse for cheating)Just keep the lines of communication open and, as you've made your point very clearly, he can't really have anything to complain about. If you have a wonderful relationship and life (as it seems you do) the most potent argument against kids if he ever does want them would be how much it would change your lives. No quiet time, no couple's nights in, no travel. PS. How on earth did you get that into your vows?? I wanted a promise that he would make me breakfast in bed once a week in our vows but he vetoed the idea and we went traditional :(

Haha, well ..neither of us are traditional. We wrote our own vows not that that is SO different. But that particular vow went some think like. "We promise to keep our marriage child free and focused on nurturing our relationship, being responsive to each others needs, and doing good for others and the earth." Yea...that was all! It was important to me to have the child free clause lol. This way he knew that that was "part of our contract, our pact...lol.

And you made it sound so nice! And not that it would help much if the issue were ever to come up but you can claim you have it 'officially' in your contract. I like the idea of that!

misstalia: If you've read my lengthy posts here you know that I thought I wanted kids, changed my mind 2 weeks after our wedding, and pretty much stood my ground during 16 yrs of marriage. My husband fought with me on it early on, and two years in a row we almost broke up because of it. That was over 10 yrs ago. Eventually my husband saw my reasons and AGREED with me that not having a family was ok....it was nice to have our peace and quiet, our personal time, our freedom to come and go, etc. But in the last couple of years he has gone through a lot of emotional, financial, and career changes, and he has sought guidance and solace from a lot of his friends. I hate to say this, but he is influenced by his friends. He opened a Facebook account and reconnected with a lot of his old school friends, many of whom have their own families now, and frankly I think he feels left out of the "club". Needless to say he is divorcing me now and he won't even consider my willingness to compromise (I said I may consider adopting an older child). Funny, I met my husband when he was 19 and I was 22, and I almost feel like I raised HIM! So he seemed ok once with not having kids and now he is back to wanting kids again. Husbands do change their minds. It is their right as it is ours to do this, and it is just something couples deal with because most people will grow and change with age. As sorry and sad as I am that my marriage is ending, I am still grateful for the time I had being married to the man I love. Keep communication open with your husband and enjoy living for today. You just don't know what the future brings. There are no guarantees, not even when you think you have the perfect situation (I've been there). Enjoy what you two have together now and celebrate it in your own way. Maybe he will never change his mind. I think the more confident he is within himself the more he will know what he truly wants in life. My husband took forever to grow up so here we are today. Unfortunately love isn't always enough, and I didn't see the tragedy coming until I hit the brick wall. NOW after 16 years (he's almost 40) he claims he is finally sure what he wants, and sadly I think it is all for the wrong reasons.

Wow, Cassie67, that's a shame about you and your husband. I guess it's difficult for him because you changed your mind after marriage... It sounds as though he tried to do what you wanted, but couldn't do that while being true to himself.I never understood the term "not having a family" My husband and I are a FAMILY. So are you and your husband. I wonder why is your husband still leaving even though you'd adopt? That's such a fair compromise...BEYOND FAIR! It's so unfortunate that the opinions of his friends have affected your marriage for the worst. Anyway, I hope everything works out for you, and thank you for your words of wisdom. I hope you find a partner that fully accepts AND shares your desires next time around.

Thanks, Capybera. I enjoy writing....

misstalia: Your thinking is along the same lines as mine. I considered us as a "family" already. We have pets....cats, dogs, birds, horses. I have only had the dogs for two years and I raised them from young puppies pretty much by myself (for HIM!) because my husband worked long hours. He always wanted dogs and I put him off for years, knowing what a great responsibility it would be to raise puppies. I finally gave in because he made sure I had every pet I ever wanted so I thought it was only fair. They are the sweetest dogs now and I thought we had a really nice little family unit. Well raising the dogs only made his need for children even greater. Of course I love these dogs dearly but I will lose them now. They are almost like kids to me....almost. Going through this divorce is going to be very painful for me in so many ways. My husband is only concerned with procreating at the moment. He wants all that goes along with having babies. He won't consider adoption at all because he wants these kids as a product of his own body. It is my feeling that there are many children in foster care and in the adoption system who could use love and a supportive family unit. I think my husband is being selfish. And of course we can't discount the influence of his friends urging him to leave me so he can have his babies like the rest of them. His feelings for me obviously changed a long time ago (or he would stay and try every option with me), but he was too much of a coward to leave me. He conveniently waited until I was too old to have babies even if I wanted to. I don't like saying this but a part of me is starting to really hate him. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it at this most painful time in my life. I truly hope there is a good guy out there who will love and appreciate me for who I am. I just need to get over the man I considered my soulmate first.