BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Does anyone else get tired of initiating sex?

Newish here. Sorry for the lack of formal introduction. I'm sad and frustrated, but you can call me Chris. Sex life has been suffering lately. I just get so sick of (still) having to tell him what I want. He likes it (always), and does it, but really? Do I have to verbally ask for what I want everytime? Do you really have no short term memory? I know what you like! I also keep coming up with new stuff, because I care about your happiness, and I want the sex to keep coming. Oh, and that looking at porn thing, because you need release without strings, how's that working for you in the real world? Does it get you more sex? The last time I checked, most men were doing things that got them more sex, not less. I just...ugh. I don't want to be lumped into the category of women who have gained an extreme amount of weight or completely changed, or quit having sex since they got married, only because I know that is the first thing that pops into people's (men's) minds when women say the husband has lost interest. Well, did you let yourself get fat. Nice. Whether one thinks that matters or not, no, I did not. I'm just...well, they say men are the cheaters. I just want to be desired again so bad. I recently read an article by a woman who said, "Why was it so exciting when you first met? Because you were constantly seducing him! Get back to that!" Only she said it in a lot more words. I do wigs. I do makeup. Constantly. I got him into all kinds of stuff he never did before. I just hate to be the only contributor. Ladies, we all know that seduction is hard work! At least for me---I can't be perfect all the time! If I wanted that, I would still be single. I guess my question is, is it wrong for me to lose interest and become bitter, when it doesn't seem like he is putting forth any effort whatsoever? Is there any strategy I haven't tried? I would be interested to hear any input. I will respond, too. And as far as initiating goes, I initiate. He turns me down occasionally, because of tiredness. I try again. He is all about it. Great, right? If "I" turn him down, he starts whining about how we never have sex, then says things like, I'm afraid to ask you---I don't want to make you mad. ??? I have never said anything to make him think that way. Then he asks if he can look at porn, and he asks because I have told him it bothers me when our sex has been slacking. When he asks me the porn thing, my main upset is that he is not EVEN trying to get with me first! I told him, rather brusquely, about my sex frustrations yesterday, and I know what you are going to say...big mistake, and you'd be right. I apologized, but I am probably never going to live that down. I just don't know what to do, short of a therapist. I must be doing something wrong.

I feel your pain. I can identify very closely with many of your frustrations. I am tired of Always having to initiate sex. Never in my life has my wife or, many years ago, my girlfriend ever initiated sex. It is a huge chore if you are always the one that has to start things. I feel like I am a selfish male for always initiating sex, but if I don't it will never happen. I also know how if feels to lose interest in sex because it is not happening for you. It has been nearly three years since my wife and I have had sex. She just doesn't care for it anymore. It does not matter that I tell how it is important to me and to our relationship She does not want to be touched. I can count on one hand the number of times we have had sex since 2004, two or three at the most. Talking to your husband about your desires is not wrong. He needs to know. He needs to know why it is important to you and to the health of your relationship. Maybe trying just sitting down and sharing your desires and fantasies. Ask him about his desires and fantasies, then share yours with him. Maybe, that could help inspire you both sexually.

Thanks Craig58! It honestly didn't occur to me that a man could be going through the same stuff that I am. I don't know why; just not thinking that way, I guess. The statement you made, "I also know how it feels to lose interest in sex because it is not happening for you," shows me that somebody gets it. It's hard to articulate, but if you are always the one initiating, you feel unwanted. It's like it just doesn't inspire you. And it makes you angry...like I'm spending all this time thinking about him...why isn't he thinking about how to please me? Then the female mind starts in with, "If he really loved me and was attracted to me, he would be coming up with some stuff of his own..." We actually did talk about the porn thing, and he agreed that it is "easier." Ugh. Oh well. It's things like this that force me to utilize my subversive feminine wiles, and I hate having to do that. I wish I could just say, "You're kind if being a jerk, and I know you don't want to hurt me, so stop this [censored], already! I've told you what's wrong, now let's talk." Apparently, for most people, straight talk doesn't work. So now I have to make him jealous by looking at my own porn, or just going out at night and ignoring him. What makes it really sad is that I DON'T WANT to play games at all. I hate the games. Games rarely solve anything. How do you deal with it? Have you been to a therapist? Has anyone? Is it worth it?