BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting i hate this

Hi Everyone, I really need some support, I am just hating being a stepmum, I dont hate my stepdaughter, I just hate that one week we live normally and the next, its all about her. My husband tries to make me feel included but I just dont want to throw a ball or play with her. I wonder if I am just a nasty old cow. My husband doesnt want any more children and honestly after this experience neither do I. Am I just acting like a spoiled child myself??? I hate myself for feeling like this but I am struggling and cant wait for her to grow up and move out.....obviously I need some advice to help me cope with these feelings...... I really never expected to feel this way. Thankyou in advance Jeannie

How old is your stepdaughter?

Hi Erica, She is nearly ten.

I sympathize with you! I raised 2 step daughters, one was only 8 when she came to live with us full time and the other was 10. The 10 year old was terrible and we never got along while she lived with us-which was til she went to college.

One thing I can tell is that I had my own daughter also, who is half sister to these girls. She was about 4 when they moved in with us. My relationship with my own daughter was ENTIRELY different than with the step daughters. If you ever have the desire to have your own children, don't let your feelings for the step daughter scare you off.

These girls are all young women now. My daughter is 23 and the stepdaughters-there were 3 altogether, the eldest never lived with us - are all in or near their 30's. I have some advice as someone looking back on the step child experience.

Looking back, I wish I'd been more patient and loving to these girls. I think that would have changed much of the turmoil our family experience for years. My husband and I nearly divorced over all this and I felt like leaving many, many times over the years. I stuck it out in hopes that when the girls left home, my husband and I could at last have a good relationship and I didn't want my own daughter to end up a "step.'

I know this doesn't always happen in blended families but as these girls got older, somehow their opinion of me changed with maturity. They have little children now and I'm Grandma and they all moved to be near us so we can be part of their lives. I love the grandkids and, honestly, the past never even comes up. I can truthfully say now that I love these young women as much as I love my own daughter.

I realize if I went back in time, maybe I couldn't do anything differently. There was a mess of emotions involved and my husband was no help at all, due to his own guilty feelings about the girls' "real" mom and the divorce. The girls played on that guilt and they never really gave me a chance.

It took quite a bit of forgiving for me to let go of the past but I did it and I'm glad I did. Life seems so good now, compared to what it was during those year.

Don't think either that you just need to get the daughter grown up and the troubles will be over. She will get married, have kids, there will be holidays and family celebrations, so you will be thrown in with her and the entire family on many occasions for the rest of your life. It's best to try and make it work now so you have no regrets later that you didn't try harder.

Try reading Wayne Dyer's book The 10 Secrets of Success and Inner Peace or some of his other books. They really helped me.

There is hope! I wish you all the best.

Thankyou joanj, thankyou for taking the time to try and explain another point of view, I will try and take it on board, and i will certainly look up Wayne Dyer's books. I feel a little brighter.........i just struggle so much sometimes jeannie

Believe me, I know how you feel! I struggled with all these feelings and anger for 10 years when the girls lived with us and another 5 or so until I could get rid of the anger that was eating at me.

If you make up your mind to be happy, no matter what, and don't let the stepkids get to you, eventually they let up. They do all that for a reaction and if they don't get one, they figure out they can't bug you (might take years on that-lol)

I truly believe Wayne Dyer's books would open a whole new world for you and help you be happier.

Oh yes, your feelings will change and you will look back and say, "Why did I make such a huge deal out of everything my stepdaughter did or didn' do?"

I think your feelings are natural and normal. We've evolved as territorial beasts. That doesn't mean we have to let our 'feelings' run our lives.

Relax. Accept your stepdaughter as part of your reality. Your husband is a package deal. The more you move toward your stepdaughter, the more your husband will move toward you.

Hang in, it's worth it.
Barbara DeShong
mysteryshrink

And no hating yourself.

thanks mystery shrink, I do tend to hate myself for feeling this way....

One thing I wish I'd done differently with the stepdaughter is to try and love them for who they were instead of always wishing they were different - ie that they fit into a mold that I could choose and control. I always seemed to love my own bio daughter for who she was but with the steps I'd find myself saying, "If only they would behave in such and such way."

I think if I'd tried to appreciate the good things about them, instead of focusing on what was wrong, we'd all have been happier. Nobody can thrive in an atmosphere of criticism. I criticized them so they criticized me in return.

From the other side of the equation, I always try and put myself in my partners shoes (he's step-dad to my 18 month old boy). I always worry if I'm making him feel excluded when I have to tell him I don't agree with his parenting; I want him to feel like an equal, but at the end of the day, sometimes, I have to step in and say "look, I'm his mum; I know you have the best intentions at heart, but I have ultimate responsibility for him." It's not easy on either side, but I think the key is communication; explain to your partner the way you feel and see how he responds. At the end of the day, the number one priority of any parent should be their child, but their partner comes in a VERY close second; remember that you're not inferior to his daughter, and you shouldn't have to suffer. Talk to him and try to work something out. His_Einna

jeannie - wow, i could have written that myself!! am almost in the same shoes as you... i've been a step-mom for 3 years now and i actually dislike it more now than i did when i first got married. this is my second marriage, i have no children of my own and my stepdaughter is 14. i met her when she was 10 and not a very pleasant child... when i met her she was the most spoiled, catered to, whiny kid i'd ever dealt with. i couldn't believe my wonderful husband could have co-raised such a little heathen and that neither parent had given her any boundaries. i had a serious talk with him and he let me teach her things such as using a knife and fork, saying please and thank you, etc... seriously, she did not know the basics. i also taught her to make a bed, play tennis and cook. She respects me which is really nice, i do admit. anyway, i put alot of time and energy into someone who i now resent! as time goes on, i want to be around her less and less. i had no idea this was going to happen and now i dread it when she comes over. i don't want to be around her anymore even though she's a pretty good kid. in fact, she follows me around and i have to lock myself in my room to get a little privacy. and like you say, one week it's normal and the next everything shifts. i hate that. for me, it's as if i'm married to 2 different men as my husband acts differently when she's around. it makes me so mad... i realize he needs to spend time with his kid, but i end up feeling like a stranger in my own house. i don't know where to go or what to do. i feel like the third wheel even though he tried to make me a part of things. most of the time i'm not interested in what he proposes. i used to go with them but now i've cut back. i shouldn't feel obligated. he acts like her playmate instead of her father and the last thing i want to do is go out with a 14 and 48 year old kid. sorry not to be much help, because i don't know what to do either, but at least you're not alone. and i'm not either!!!! if you come up with anything good, let me know cuz i feel like a crusty ole cow myself... and if i come across any insights i'll be sure to share.

Sandrake, wow, someone like me! It's been a refreshing experience to know I am not alone, I wish I'd been back sooner to the forum... Let me know how you are going if your still around! Things are going on waves for us, up and down, up and down. Jeannie

Oh Sandrake, you've made my day! I feel EXACTLY the same as you! Also to such an extent that I feel like SD is the "wife" and I'm the "kid" in DH's eyes. She gets all the loving words ("honey, sweetheart" etc) and I'm just plain "M" (my name). I also feel like DH is different when SD is around (she's 18 and studying in another town, but still in the same Country). And keeps on phoning dearest daddy and then it's "sweetheart" in the front and "honey" at the front the whole time. I used to want to spend lots of time with DH, but lately I just feel like he must do whatever makes him happy. Couldn't give a damn if he goes out and does his own thing. I actually appreciate my little bit of "me-time".

Don't hate yourself for the way you feel, as step moms we all go through the same feelings. I just went through a very rough patch with my DH and 2 step sons that I swore I wouldn't make it through. This weekend, we have my 2 boys and his 2 boys and its only Saturday and I already want to strangle all 4 of them. The oldest SS has a behavior disorder that will make you want to pull your hair out. Welcome to the club my dear. All you can do is love them. They're children, and while they can be sneaky and manipulative, we have to be the adult and take control. And I know it can feel impossible, but you can do it. Plus, you have a wonderful support system here.

Hello my friend! I've been off for a while. Is your hubby still up to his little way of treating the daughter with all the affection? My DH and I hit a very rough patch and began to split up. Since then I've gone back to work with one of the local police departments and things have turned around in a major way for me. I feel so liberated! It is almost as if I have the upper hand now. While I'm still battling the feelings I harbor for the oldest SS and the ex wife, I feel like he has a little more respect and love for me. Now if I could convince him to please move us from directly across the street from the ex and step children, I would be more than happy! Lol! I tried to PM you, but couldn't. Send me a message and let me know how you are!

Hey friend! Tried to send you a PM, but it says it's disabled? DH still talks all lovey-dovey to SD when she phones him (she's studying in another Province). But she's coming back home for a month as from next month onwards - really dreading that time, 'cause I will have both SC with me then. I read about your rough patch on my other thread and couldn't help but to wonder if you were OK?! Glad to see you're back online again! I think your DH should really wake up and MOVE AWAY from his ex (I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to live across this woman). Take care, hun! (((HUGS)))

hi everyone, I too am trying to write PMs here but it is disabled. if anyone knows HOW to do it, please explain! I need to SHARE/VENT. I relate to everything here. I have a 23year old SD who now lives with her mother only 30 mins away and she used to live with ME and My husband (DH dont know the code?) from age 15-17 at which time she dropped out of high school and went back to live with her mother in a "fit" because I have RULES. My husband supported me and they did not talk for almost a year. We have a 7 year old and there is a 16 year gap between the SD and my son. The SD does NOT visit my son but she is kind when she sees him on holidays but she lives right near us and works in my husband's medical office. The SD has been through 3 different colleges and a few graduate courses and will NOT complete anything. She also has a low life boyfriend who also works part time at the medical office and lives with his MOMMY at age 26! it is disgusting. Both the mothers and father cater to thse young adults and enable these ridiculous behavior. My husband actually took the SD and boyfriend to DISNEY LAND all expenses paid 2 weeks ago. I refused to go and took my son to a nearby water park and had a blast. this is the MAJOR PROBLEM, my husband STILL PAYS THE SD 'child support" each month $1500 even though she is NOT in school and working at age 23! she works for him 15 hours per week! she is in perfectly good health and is not impaired aside from being spoiled. We have tremendous debt and i am not 'allowed" to say anything about the "child support" continuing as he feels is it NONE ON MY BUSINESS and that i am jealous of her. To be fair, my husband takes care of all of my financial needs and our son but he is in major personal debt. I feel extremely angry that he continues to support her and the dead beat boyfriend and he will get into a RAGE if I bring it up. ALL of the nurses at the office see through the problem. She now want daddy to pay for her to move to Vancouver with boyfriend and just take a few classes and NOT WORK. It is getting absurd. He has serious issues with her and with money and I insisted he go to counseling with me. He does nOT want to go but i am insisting. he is such a NARCISSIST that he will not admit to contiuining the child support or he will make up a lie so he will not "look bad" to the therapist. I am not sure what to do as we are going tomorrow night. He is completely shut down. Of course we have major issues and it is not just the SD but she is a core issue for us. Should step parents accept NEVER asking questions about money and step kids? Isn't our money too? Should we NEVER get involved at all with adult step children. I have known her for 8 years and I know that i am NORMAL and have healthy boundaries. I am raising a kind, responsible and very smart son. I will read any book and I am completely open to learning. I do think of separation because of his rage/anger and money issues but there are also good things about my husband. I am very confused about what to expect after 8 years of marriage. I do not want to interfer but this young woman has NO self esteem and no direction and NO PARENTING. She does like me but she would never follow anything that i would suggest. I work and i have my own business but it does not seem to rub off on her. She wants some kind of weird life. Futher there are NO savings or trust funds and he is an older father so when he passes she will have NOTHING. I do not get it. Does anyone have experience with overly pampered, spoiled, unconscious Step children? Do we say NOTHING??? PLEASE HELP THANKS . Sarah

Sarah, to be quite honest, your SD is and will continue displaying this behaviour because this little biatch is manipulating her father so badly. I'm in a similar position with my SD. I honestly feel like I'm just around to wash, cook and clean and to meet his needs. I don't rely financially on him, as I have my own salary to look after myself - I'm not even inheriting anything if he dies one day! Everything goes to his kids - and basically it's his kids from his first marriage. It honestly feels like my son and I are not needed in his life. I take care financially of our son. He hardly ever gives a cent towards his upbringing. But if dearest SD phones, he's quick to just hand out money left, right and centre. I'm really getting to the point where I feel I can kick his as*!

Happy mothers day to you my friend! I'm having trouble with the PM's. My email is allie_d@vzw.blackberry.net. Email me any time. Right now I'm going thru some tough stuff so I'd love to hear from ya! These men just don't realize how much they hurt us sometimes.

does ANYONE get HOW these SDs manipulate the fathers? My SD is 23 and her boyfriend is 26 and does NOT WORK. they are now planning to move to vancouver and have my husband "daddy" pay all of the bills as they will be taking one class each and NOT working!!!! He basically "agreed" to it. I do understand the "guilt" that the fathers feel for the divorce but it was TEN YEARS AGO! Get over it. What exactly do these SDs do that gets to their fathers so much. WHY would they not teach responsibility, independence and all the other parenting things? I do study psychology but i just do NOT get it. What is in it for these men? Is it control? Do they want to squash the development of their children? My SD is 23 and has never paid a bill! She lives with her mommy, and daddy pays the bills - we live separately with our son. To be fair he does give money towards our 7 year old son but I had to force him to start a college fund. Does anyone have any book suggestions of SDs and how to deal. I want to avoid this dysfunction at all costs. I feel sick to my stomach now that the boyfriend is living off of my husband too! What is UP with this? Any ideas? thanks ladies. I feel for just another step mom - wow...how do you deal with your husband NOT paying for your son? That makes no sense at all. It is almost like the SD is the "girlfriend". it is all so weird. I have been a step mother for 10 years and it hasn't gotten any easier although she is pleasant to me but avoids me usually. Thanks! Sarah