BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Porn is ruining our marriage

My husband and I have an ok sex life, but its always me who initiates sex, never him. We have been married only 3 years. I have found twice on his computer where he has been looking at porn. Most times he deletes his history so I cant see what he was looking at. I try to explain to him how this makes me feel. If our sex life was better, I wouldnt care so much that he looks at this, but its like he has no interest in touching me in a sexual way, but he will look at porn. So this makes me think that he obviously has interest in sex, but just not sex with me. The only time he initiates sex is when I get upset after he has said "no" to me. I am the one who wants sex all the time, not him. It makes me feel bad about myself, undesired and unloved. I try to talk to him about this, but he acts completely like he just doesn't care. I don't know what to do. I am tired of feeling like this.

I had a friend who dated this guy for a while and he was super religious and couldn't handle the after-sex guilt. he was remorseful after every time. some guys, just like some ladies, feel dirty, guilty and like sinners after sex. it is like a dirty secret. I dont know if that is the case with your man, just throwing it out there. couple questions... was he always this way? or did this recently start? if it recently started, is he stressed or having any sort of health problems? struggling with ED? is he insecure or feel he is not experianced? is he scared that he cant please you? some guys are scared to approach women...even their wives. some guys panic cuz they dont know what to do. is he lazy and would rather jerk off rather then get something going with you? honestly, there could be so many reasons.he could have a fetish that he is embarassed to admit. what would happen if you wanted to watch "couples porn" with him to get a little fire going? what would happen if you read each other a few chapters of a steamy romance novel? feeling desired is important! I am not trying to be mean or harsh but I am just laying it out cause I want to help if I can... if he is not getting some on the side, secretly gay or falling out of love with you - he may have other obstacles in the way...but you may be able to work together to change that. do you think he is addicted to porn? cause that can be as bad as gambling for some people. how much would you say he watches? while I think a little porn is perfectly healthy for a guy (or gal), there is a point where there is too much and it takes over someones life. P.S - I hope I am not overstepping the bounds of TMI. I am not the love guru but have no problems chatting about it. what is "ok" sex for you?

Marie does a really good job of laying it out - all of the possible obstacles and possibilities.

I would add that it's possible your husband has fantasies that in his mind don't go hand in hand with marriage. He could have something in his past that inhibits sexual expression (upbringing, religion, etc.) and finds the aprehension or "naughtiness" almost arousing in what he watches and when.

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Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

Is your husband open to talking about the problem? It must be so very frustrating and hurtful that even though you are interested in sex, all his sexual energy seems to be invested in watching porn.

He is being completely disrespectful of your needs and feelings. What is he like in other areas of your relationship? My guess is that this same disrespect and lack of concern for your needs and feelings shows up in other areas of your marriage as well.

Pornography can become an addiction and like all addictions it has the potential to destroy your marriage.

You need to set some limits and boundaries and let your husband know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is completely unacceptable. You deserve better than to be treated like this.

It might be a good idea to speak to a marriage counselor or therapist who can help you to set these boundaries. And don't let anyone convince you that his behavior shouldn't matter. YOU ARE BEING HURT AND DISRESPECTED AND THAT MATTERS!

Good luck to you and if you ever need to vent or ask for more advice please feel free to post a message again.

Hi VacaGrl,
I am pleased to read the detailed suggestions made by all. It's a problem that needs some care to be resolved.

You did not mentioned the religion and faith so we should handle it neutrally.

Do you know that what your husband actually feels about porn? Is he feel Ok with porn or some guilt after watching porn.I think he is also not happy with this habit coz he delete the history.

Do you know about his sexual health? His teenage? Did you ever talked about his sex fantasies? If not, try to understand his needs, and what make him happy in this matter.

I think you can reduce this unpleasant situation by helping yourself to give more sexual pleasure to you husband. You can try to know his actual demands, sexual positions, what he like most? Or something like starting the session with some touching of male organs etc.

It's my personal experience that watching porn is something like the "hidden needs in deep inside us" We try to watch that needs in others actions on the screen. So if our needs become saturated physically, the porn addiction will stop.

Some healthy practices like morning walk, exercise, social gatherings and group discussions at related topic could help practically.

I would love to read about the situation more and also would like to know that if my words help at any level. Thanks

Thanks for all the responses! I am going to try to answer in the order of what I have read from you all..... First, I have always know that he enjoyed watching porn, so its really not the porn that hurts me so much as its the fact that he never wants to have sex with me unless I initiate it first or he might come up to bed after I get mad because he has said "no" when I have initiated sex. Its like I am always the one who touches him first. He never touches me first for sex. So, that is what makes me so mad is that he shows no interest in sex with me but he will watch it on the internet. To me that says he is interested in sex, just not with me. We used to watch it a little bit together when we first got married. But now he obviously watches it when I am not home or go to bed. He deletes his history because of when I last found the porn on it. So, now he deletes his history every night. That tells me that he is watching this stuff every day. As far as what is "ok" sex for me, I have no problems experimenting with him (short of threesomes and stuff like that!!) But for me, everything else goes. And he is stressed a lot, but he doesn't have a problem with ED. So I just dont know.....maybe I just need to look somewhere else for someone who actually enjoys having sex with me!!! I mean, it can't be my looks, I havn't gained weight, I am attractive and all that, so it can't be that. I mean, lots of other men find me attractive, but it just makes me feel ugly and completely undesired. He doesn't want to talk about this, he never wants to talk about any problem we have at all. His communication skills are completely lacking. Its always a one sided conversation with me talking and him staring off into space. He is a very private person and doesn't talk about his past at all, so I am not sure about anything that has happened in his teenage years. I used to ask him about his favorite positions, what he likes, things like that and he would never tell me. Maybe it does embarras him to talk about it, I don't know. He isn't a very religious person and he exercises every day. Its like right now, I don't even want him to touch me after finding him looking at the porn again. Because I feel like it would be "pity" sex. And I just don't need that. Thank you for all your responses!!!!

I know how frustrating this topic can be. Ive personally lived it, and I sorry that you are going through it now. The first thing that you have to realize is that porn IS an adiction. May people dont realize this unless they have lived it. The fact that your husband doesnt want to have sex is very painful I know, but know that there is hope. Some of what i hve to say may be bothersome to hear, but its information that you need to know to get back on track. Once a man becomes too involved with porn its not that they dont want sex with their spouse, its that they cant have sex with them. They start losing touch with reality and feel like they cant perform with a real woman. You can say this to him all you want but it will do you no good. Your husband is still in the denial stage. You DO need to make it clear how it makes you feel. The one thing that helped my marriage was watching the movie Fireproof with my husband. I had told him over and over how it made me feel that he put porn before me, but until he saw that movie no matter what i said it never clicked. My husband was in denial just as yours is. If he wants help and is willing to try that movie will make him think. After you watch it talk to him. Convince him its time to put a child safety program on the computer that only you have the password for. It will take time to work through this dont get me wrong. It is a day to day process just as any adiction. He may have times where he looks again, but the guilt will mean more to him than it did before. Try not to nag him (that was the hardest part for me), work with him to help him through. Good luck I hope this helps.

What is the movie Fireproof about? I can go to rent it. My husband has actually been better (a lot) about the porn from what I can tell. I go into the computer to make sure he hasn't deleted any of the history and cannot see where he has been looking at it. Instead of talking to him about it, I wrote him an email in his native language so he could make no mistakes as to my feelings and he read it and we talked about it and he told me that he doesn't want me to feel that way. But I know that because of him watching it I now have trust issues with him. I feel like because he was watching that stuff and not wanting to have sex with me, then its like he wants to be with someone else. I constantly check up on him, look at his phone and check out his history. Its just not good! I am trying to work on these trust issues because I think in all truth that just because he might watch that stuff doesn't mean that he will cheat, but still, the thoughts go through my mind. I guess its because I feel now that because of it, he finds me undesirable and that makes me feel like he would be with someone who he does find desirable. Although when I have asked him if he would ever cheat he completely looked at me like I was stupid and said, NO, I am married!! I never had trust issues with him until I saw what he was looking at. And honestly, he has never given me a reason not to trust him. (Besides the porn!!)

No, the porn (and sex) thing was WAAAYYY before the pregnancy thing. And that is completely much better now, as far as I can tell anyway he hasn't looked at it for quite a while now after I explained to him (in his own language) how it made me feel. He said that he never wants me to feel that way. I think another reason I wanted to have a baby was that the porn stuff was making me feel so insecure in our relationship that I thought a baby would make things better or make it so he would stay. (Not that he has ever mentioned leaving) but, like I said, the porn just made me feel very insecure, unattractive and just really bad about myself. Yes, counseling would probably resolve a lot of issues. I sometimes think some of our issues come from us having a completely different cultural background. And from what I see, he does not have a close relationship with his family, which is something he really doesn't talk about. He isn't a very communicative person, whereas I am. So lots of times I am the one talking and he isn't. I don't feel like I nag but I do like to discuss issues. But, so far the last couple of months have been really good for us, and I hope they continue that way. Because I really do love him a lot.