BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Something not good

My husband has never wanted children, I have 2 of my own, and I knew that he never wanted children before we got married. But I got pregnant on purpose. I know this was wrong. And he told me that he wanted me to have an abortion. If I had the baby he couldn't guarantee that he would stay with me, thats how much he didn't want children. I love my husband a lot and didn't want him to leave me, so I didn't have the baby. Its something that I will regret forever. I will say that I have always been pro-choice, but this in not a decision that I ever wanted to make for myself. So, I chose having my husband over having a child and no husband. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me like he says he does then why wouldn't he want me to have the baby?? I should have never gotten pregnant on purpose knowing he didn't want a baby, but I never thought that he wouldn't want me to have it IF I got pregnant. I just thought maybe it would be a "happy" surprise. He won't even kill a spider, but he had no second thoughts about our baby. We have a great relationship though. He does so much for me and is very thoughtful. But sometimes I just cant get over this. I try to not bring it up to him when we argue because its just not a good thing to bring up. Sometimes I just can't help thinking about it though and grieve for the loss of it. I don't want any comments about pro-choice or pro-life, thats not what I posted this for. I feel enough regret as it is........But other comments would be welcome.

Vac-
First off if you knew he didn't want children why would you on purpose get pregnant and then put both him and you in that situation? No matter what you may think of him not wanting any children, you made a spiteful act by your actions. Does he know you got pregnant intentionally? I can understand and feel sympathetic to your desire to have another child. I wanted more children, but I am blessed with the 3 I have and am thankful for them.

Just because he does not want children or wanted the baby, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. A sound word of advice, if and when you argue, I wouldn't suggest throwing the situation back at him. to maintain a healthy marriage, you don't want to keep re-hashing and opening old scars. That is a recipe for disaster and failure.

Best of luck to you.

Dear vacagrl, I agree 100% with Dragoncharmer. Does he know you did it on purpose? It could be that he reacted with leaving you because you cornered him like that. And if he doesn't know: if you don't want children an unwanted pregnancy can NEVER be a happy surprise. You knew that, so you should have taken him more seriously. Not being taken seriously, not being believed in serious matters is also something that can make people react very negatively.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he doesn't want children. For a lot of people, partner love and reproduction are completely different issues. You say you don't want to go into pro-life/pro-choice, but if you keep thinking in terms of "he forced me to kill my baby" the resentment will never go.

Yes, he knew (after the fact) that I did it on purpose. And I agree with both of you. I never should have done that especially knowing that he always said that he never wanted children. Yes, I also think that he thought I "cornered" him like you said Solalux. I think thats what I have most regret for is that this is something that I could have prevented by listening to his wishes, but didn't. And I definately don't want to throw it in his face, and its much better now since its been about 7 months now since all this happened. And I think I am over my resentment but it still makes me have sadness at times and regret, but regret for the whole situation. Your comments have really been helpful and made me see the situation from his perspective and not just mine. Thank you! : )

Best of luck to you. I am sure in time things will work itself out but just remember, when you argue or have the typical disputes like most couples do, just remember that he does love you and it can work out.

Thank you!!! : ) He is really showing me lately that he loves me and I feel like he does! He has a hard time expressing/showing his feelings, but I really think he has made an effort with just little things that mean a lot! : ) I came home the other day and it was my boys 7th birthday, and he had decorated his room for him with streamer/balloons, things like that! It meant so much to me!

That is really great- you know that he loves you especially when he has welcomed you and the kids with open arms.