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#565745 11/19/09 12:41 PM
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Craig58 Offline OP
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I have a question. I would like someone else's opinion on a personal subject. What does it mean if a spouse only celebrates your birthday by saying "Happy Birthday" and doing nothing more than that?

I ask this because that is all my wife did for my birthday. Last year, on my 50th birthday, she said "Oh by the way Happy Birthday" on her way to bed.

On her last birthday I gave her a gift, flowers and took a handmade deli tray of cold cuts and strawberries to where she works so she could share it with her co-workers.

Am I expecting to much from her to want more attention and celebration on my birthday?

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Craig,

I am not sure about this one. Your spouse should be making a big deal about your birthday, especially your 50th as that is a milestone. Has she ever given you gifts for your birthday before? She doesn't have to do anything extraordinary but a t least a card and a warmer acknowledgement of your birhday. Maybe cook your fave meal or take you out to your fave restaurant.

Your 50th she should have had some kind of party. Have you asked her why she hasn't done anything more for your brthdays besides an "Oh by the way, Happy Birthday"?


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Expectations for one's birthday is a natural trait for us. It is not that we are selfish, but, rather have been trained to expect some sort of gift, surprise, recognition for our birthdays. A card and special gift, a cake, a special dinner, etc. is a very proper and loving thing to do for one's birthday. To acknowledge and make special that day is to show respect and honor to one.

Maybe your wife was raised to not ackowledge birthdays in a special way. Does her family celebrate birthdays?

A belated Happy Birthday to you! king

I think everyone deserves special attention on their birthday.

Last edited by Phyllis, Native American; 11/19/09 01:36 PM.

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Craig58 Offline OP
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Thanks Vance.

No, she does more planning for Thanksgiving, Christmas than birthdays. She doing more now to plan ahead for my oldest daughter's wedding next fall. She's done planning and shopping this week thinking ahead to the wedding.

As for my birthday, I took her out to dinner at Applebee's. I also bought myself and Ice Cream cake.

My wife is very big on saving money and spending as little as possible. Last Christmas I think she was more proud of how little she spent than what gifts she actually got me and the family.

Plus remember this is the same woman, if you've read my other posts, who no longer seems to care for sex. I know is was not to be expected, but some good loving on my birthday would have been the best gift from her, especially since its been more than 2 1/2 years since our last bit of loving.

To be honest I have grave doubts about how many more years our relationship may last. I have tried to change, but it hasn't affected our relationship much at all.

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When I first read your posting, I thought 'well these are newly-weds who haven't compromised yet on how they handle each occasion'. But as I read on, you are not newlyweds, and there is some other factor at work here.

As far as birthdays: In our family birthdays are celebrated until the person is 18, then we do the acknowledging the day and hope it went well for you kinda thing. We did have a 'gathering' when I turned 60, but otherwise we don't even celebrate the milestone birthdays.

I would not compare birthdays to family holiday gatherings, or especially to a once-in-lifetine event like a wedding.

Your situation: I have not read your other posts, but from the mention you make here, the two of you must be having some other relationship problems, and the birthday indifference is just one more signal. I think you need to get help, or watch the relationship disappear.


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Wow-
Craig,

I don't care if it is your 18th birthday or your 50th- saving money or not, just saying, " oh by the way..........." on the way to bed is unacceptable in my opinion. I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation and was treated so poorly.

I haven't had the opportunity to read your other postings but from what you have said here seems to be as if the relationship is hanging by a thread as it is. Even in later years when the mind is willing and the body is unable, there are other ways of showing the love and affection. If this is how it is now, then what is to be expected in years to come? I assume you have talked to her about the lack of?

Well, back to the birthday- I do not think you were expecting too much especially for such a milestone in your life. If that was my husband, I would be throwing a big bash for him. No doubt. You doing what you did for her birthday was the sweetest thing ever. You are a good man and it's too bad you didn't get the same in return.


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I agree, a birthday is a special day and the person you are with should make you feel special. Maybe not necessarily spend TONS of money, but c'mon, a card, bake a cake, something to acknowledge your day! I always try to make my husbands day special for his birthday, his "name" day (a Czech thing), valentines, everything. Its just something a spouse is supposed to do. Now my husband isn't the same as me, he is more "put a present on your bed and let you find it" kind of man. I would like something a little more special than that, but its (hopefully) all beginning to sink in with him about holidays and such. His family isn't too close, so thats the way he grew up. I am trying to show him what a "close" family life is. I hope that things get better for you and your wife! Have you talked to her about how you feel?? Maybe that would help??

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I agree with Vac-

There is no need to spend a lot of money, but you know- something should have been done. I think that was quite a cold reaction to your birthday and I feel so bad for you.

I know if it was me, my feeling would have been so hurt.


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Craig58 Offline OP
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I expected it. I was not surprised. I tried to follow the suggestion, from books by Susan Page, to celebrate your birthday yourself. I was rather low key in doing it, because I wanted to see what, if anything my wife would do. Plus I didn't want to rub reminders of my birthday in her face. So, I invited her to dinner with me. She suggested Applebee's because of a two entree's for $20 deal. Heaven forbid I should spend too much on myself. I also bought myself a small ice cream cake. Later I am buying myself a gift with money given to me from my parents. This year was not great, but slightly better than last year. My sister gave me the best gift. It is a gift that helps support my continuing effort to become a screenwriter. My sister is awesome. She supports me like nobody else.

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