BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage How can you forgive husbands that lie?

is it just the chewing tobacco issue that he lies about of does he lie about everything across the board? constant lies are not excuseable. how can you trust/rebuild trust with someone who never tells you the truth about anything. I am in total agreement with you. chewing tobacco is seriously gross AND worse then smoking cigarettes. I used to live by a guy whose tongue had to be removed due to cancer from chewing tobacco. yuck! and he bought "cancer gum" for his son??? why? one thing I know about tobacco is that unless that person wants to quit, there is really nothing you can do to make them stop. I have pleaded with my Dad over and over on the issue of a-pack-a-day but those buggers are his security blanket. he must, must, MUST have them. I have found some people will lie or ommit the truth cause they dont want the other person to get mad. they dont want to be decietful but they are afraid to tell the truth cause they know bad feelings will follow. not an excuse, just a reason. he kinda tricked you into a relationship where a relationship never would have happened if you knew about his habit. I would never date a smoker and feel very betrayed if someone hid that from me. would I leave him on those grounds? I guess it depended if it was the occasional smoke or an every day smoke. but that was not your question, you wanted to know how to forgive husbands that lie. I think if he marketed himself as a non-chewer to get with you and maintianed this lie over years. that is a big deception. he is hiding what he knew would be a deal breaker. can people get past that? yeah. but will he continue his habit and the lies to you? you should not have to accept lies as part of the relationship. a relationship built on lies is not a relationship... I think the biggest question is, do you think he can STOP lying?

Honestly, it won't matter if you forgive the lying or not as far as the bottom line. The real issue is whether he will or won't stop the chew. If he won't, then you have said you can't budge and it is a deal breaker. If you will, then he won't need to lie. If he will, then you would need to address the trust issue. Otherwise, you are saying that it is over anyway, correct?

I am sorry that you feel angry, and it is understandable! It is important to let both him and your stepdaughter understand that you are angry that they lied to you by using assertive, direct language. That will help you resolve much of the anger you are feeling.

Just to address the chew issue, and not the lie issue -

Tobbacco chew is as hard, actually harder to break than smoking. The amount of nicotine going straight into the bloodstream is greatly increased. So he has a MAJOR nicotine addiction. It is going to be very difficult to break this habit. You cannot reasonably expect him to give this up overnight. He will need help, possibly a nicotine patch (and lots of gum!) from a physician.

But most "dippers" do not realize how serious it is when they first begin. Or how serious those of us against it are. He probably had no idea how adamant you were when you said that to him in the beginning, he just thought, "oh, ok". Because they consider it nothing more than gum and don't get the uproar about it.

He probably figured hiding it from you was easier than fighting about it.


What he needs to understand is that you are upset about 2 separate and distinct issues.
1. the dipping
2. the lying

He thinks these are the same issue right now - lying about the dipping.

Separate these out and talk about why the 2 issues bother you individually. You might even consider talking about them on 2 separate days in order to keep them completley apart.

I agree with Julie and Sadiyya. I have been married 36 years and 10 years is a critical point. Married people are not joined at the hip, contrary to popular belief. They are two separate people that are constantly evolving and need room to grow. He is not your child. Respect him as an adult and an individual and give him room to come around on his own. You've already let him know how you feel. Take stock of the whole man, not just one habit. Is he worth having in your life?

This is not a reason for divorce by itself. No matter who you have a relationship with you will come to this very moment, albeit with a different issue, every time. It is all in how you handle it whether or not the relationship will survive.

I can understand how you feel. My husband lied for the years we were married, finding excuses. The reason I could not go back with him was because of his being untruthful. Lying is dangerous and as the bible says it has its origins in the devil. What you can do is tell him if he is going to keep lying keep stepping and you move on. I always hated lying and as child my mother told me NEVER tell her a lie even I did something wrong. She would say let me determine whether I will lash you but no lying, she would remind me that when we tell lies even when we begin to tell the truth no one will believe us. I do hope that your husband would refrain from this bad habit and be serious about his marriage. Do hope all works well for both of you.