BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Do You Agree With Dr. Laura

MelodyFor3 ~~~

Sounds like he has kept you 'pregnant & barefoot" so he can go out and enjoy life without you. You fell into a trap without realizing what you were doing to yourself - like so many women.

Did he change this much since you married him and started having kids ? Or was he always like this, and you kept digging a deeper grave ? Men don't improve their ways, they usually get worse as long as you let them get away with all the bull****.

I suggest the two of you sit down and have a serious talk. If he's not willing to change his ways, well, the rest is up to you. Life is too short to live like this.

Good luck. And please keep us posted.

cp

If you act like he is the enemy and you are the victim your relationship is unlikely to be successful. Expecting a husband, or even a wife, to change for your benefit is a recipe for failure. People do not change because we want them to or demand they change. You need to act as if you love your spouse, especially at times, when you don't feel very loving. Also, take sometime for yourself. Don't ask for permission. Just clearly tell your spouse "I need to do this for myself", then do it. If that means going out with your friends, do it. You need to both "give to your spouse" and "take what you need" from your relationship. It's a balancing act of giving and taking. Neither person should be doing the majority of the giving or the taking. It is not about you or your spouse, it is about your relationship. It is not all about "Me" or "Him" it is about "Us". Nurture the relationship not the individual needs or wants of you or your spouse. Work on "Us" not just the "Me".

It is hard to do. But the results will be better in the long run than trying to chance your spouse or correct specific problems.

In an ideal world, give and take would be equal. I probably sound like a really unhappy, angry person, but that's just when I'm having issues. I don't yell at him like I used to. We don't really fight anymore. I wait until I'm no longer angry and explain what the problem is and the solution I have thought of for it and the alternatives. With every one of the issues I have, he has agreed to fix it. He just doesn't have a clue how and makes the same mistake because he's having too much fun or he acts before thinking. He's naturally impulsive. Part of it is his age, part of it is his culture, and part is his gender. But I'm too pushy to ever just sit back and let it happen over and over without complaining. I've kicked him out three times to make my point and let him think if he really wanted to be on his own and he always came back apologizing and making a real effort to make things equal and shared. In the past two days, he has had a glimpse of some of my frustration by having to stay home with all the kids and try to clean while I was working (he got home early from work). He finally got to see their true side and not the "hey, I'm excited to see you and love to play with you" side. Last night, he said, "Now I understand why you threaten to run away sometimes. I'm sorry that I left it all to you so much." Wow. Big revelation for him. In addition to that, the other night I talked to him about helping me reach my weight loss goals by providing time for me to exercise, which means ensuring I can get away for an hour every day. I had to gently remind him yesterday, but he was happy to do that for me as long as I made dinner (the man can't cook). If this can stick, I will be MUCH more content and willing to do whatever it takes to keep us all happy. Big change comes with small steps. We love eachother enough to keep trying to make it work. He listens, but it's hard to make big changes when you're used to things a certain way, especially when his family and friends try to convince him that he's the man and should be in control. It's kind of complicated to explain, but it's not as bad as it sounds. I will keep you posted. Probably more than you'd hope to hear! But he never ceases to surprise me, so it could go either way with us. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but it just never seems to end. :)

Hi Melody

I'm so happy to hear that you are making progress and your husband seems to have grown up a bit. Make sure to let him know that you appreciate these positive changes and keep us posted! Good Luck!

Yup. We're not in the 60s ladies! Everything is 50%-50% My momma said.."si quiere celeste que le queste!" -pretty much saying.."if he wants it like this or like that; then its gonna cost him" I don't understand how women have children knowing that the man they're with is not responsible enough to handle all that comes with having a child. or do they suddenly change completely? Please tell me...How do u marry a man, and once you have kids..they turned into babies?

and by cost, i dont just mean $$-bling$$ i mean it in every sense...sacrifice, $, effort, chores... I have a question for you Melody3, did you by any chance get him use to you doing everything??

I don't think that your word choice captures it quite right, but, possibly, yes. His difficulties with the language barrier and not having credit to maintain the household bills made it my responsibility. He can't do the grocery shopping by himself because he doesn't read the labels and will come home with the strangest stuff and a whole bunch of junk food. He simply cannot cook well, even the kids will make faces if they know he cooked. When he was obstinate about helping with childcare, I had to do it. If we didn't have money for something the kids needed, I had to sacrifice in order for them to have what they needed. So in a way, yes, I'm responsible, but not because I wanted to, it was either I did it or it wouldn't get done and the kids suffered thing, which was a choice I was forced to make. That was long ago from now. Nowadays, he can clean and he can help with laundry and help me with doing the cooking, which he does. The bills is something he is slowly learning as well as how to save money. The shopping is something he is learning. He is learning to read English, but it is very difficult for him. I don't fault him for not being capable, that's his parents' fault for not raising him to fend for himself. My issues with him is that he sometimes expects me to do it all because of his upbringing and expects to be #1 and me as #2. Then, the fighting begins... Marriage is a constant work in progress.