writingwithink,
Welcome to the Child Abuse forum. There are many supportive members on this forum.
Please don't feel like a monster for not being able to *feel* when you speak about what you endured. I think many survivors of child abuse do this exact thing. It is difficult to allow yourself to cry, get angry, feel resentment or confusion etc., when talking about what you endured. I believe that is perfectly normal.
As I went through years of therapy, both for the child abuse I endured and for the abusive marriage I was in for nearly 11 years, I found it very difficult to let myself *feel* anything. I think I was most afraid of two emotions -- fear and anger. I worried that once I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop the tears. I worried that once I let myself feel the anger hidden deep within, it would turn to rage and I didn't know how to handle that. But, it did change for me. The more I talked to my therapist, the deeper we went. The deeper we went in therapy, the more I began to let little slivers of emotions reveal themselves and deal with them while in her office. I am now at a place where I am not ashamed to feel my emotions. I allow myself to feel whatever emotions I have. So, in answer to your questions, yes, it does change. I do believe in order to heal, we must confront our emotions and feelings.
Please feel free to come to the forum and share as much or as little as you are comfortable with sharing. This is a safe place. I am here for you, if you should ever need to talk.
Again, welcome to the forum!
