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Tuey, You are a woman after my own heart! I have been searching and searching for a website or something on the web that could help me with my problem at home. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy (maybe I am). I thought I was terrible, but I found this! Now to your SD. I too am in your boat. My husband's Ex is a terrible excuse for a woman, mother, friend...well, you get the picture. She's young and stupid. My SD is alot like her. She's only 9 now, but has been raised with her Mom. My Husband, like a couple of yours, takes his Daughter's side on everything. My two Daughters get ridden to make sure their room stays clean, don't do this, they shouldn't to that, but his kid comes over and doesn't have the rules and regulations but ALL the priveledges! It makes me furious. We have an 8 month old together which keeps me busy, but my SD has to have full attention, she's a master munipulator, she's smart but plays dumb and plays her Dad like a fiddle. He feels sorry for her because of the way her Mom is so he caters to her. I on the other hand make her act responsible and I make her act right. My kids are good kids. They are proof that I must be doing things mostly right. His daughter is the opposite of them... well, you get what that means. She is not only a product of her environment but also a product of screwed up Genes. So, Tuey, you poor woman. I'm so sorry you have to live in rage daily. I'm sorry you hate waking up and only find refuge in the confines of your room (or wherever your SD isn't), but I assure you, I'm with you and from the sounds of it so are some other people. Rest assure this too shall pass.... someday. Everyday I live to it's fullest and then when my SD's weekend comes around I'm tense and stressed and cranky and my kids know why. I guess what I am doing is telling myself that seeing how my kids are and how my SD is I must be doing a good job as a Mother. I think about the future of my kid's and my SD and feel confident that my kids will be liked, respected and they will amount to alot in life, not because of money, but because they will be rich at heart. I can take pride in that feeling. My SD (if she continues down her path) will be just the opposite and hopefully will pay the price eventually. I guess it's really mean to think about and judge me if you must but I can't help what's not in my power. I have to respect my Husband and his relationship with his kid but I don't have to nurture her behavior or the person I see deep in her. I have to just wait it out. Maybe you have to also? I hope this helps you and WOW this feels good to finally get out! THANK YOU!

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Tuey: I am mother [u]to [/u]6. I am divorced with 3 daughters of my own (16,17,19) and in a live-in situation with a man who has 3 sons of his own (22,20,17). I too battle the "step-mom" role every day. In my situation, my significant other has recently begun to travel alot for his job, so I am left to deal with all of these children on my own without him being available to reinforce me. His being on the road makes it very easy for him to be manipulated by his own children, because he is never privy to the "real" story, only what he hears over the phone. He and I have many your children/my children arguments. His 17 year old son has been challenging me directly for the past few months and attempting to make my life miserable--in fact, he is trying to convince his father to leave me. This kid knows exactly what he is doing and he is doing it intentionally. Bear in mind that he is the problem [u]this [/u]week, last week the problem was one of my daughters directly challenging my significant other. She knew exactly what she was doing and she was doing it intentionally. We have been in our relationship and shared the parenting of these children for about 3 years. I believe that we are each more accepting of our own children that we are of each others, perhaps that comes from the longer bond and familiarity with them. A few things that I find have worked when one his children decides to puff up and be disrespectful to me the non-biological parent are: 1) Initially I try to ignore it. Sometimes not giving them the attention that they are seeking diffuses the situation by itself. When they are not rewarded (by bad attention) they have to come in closer to see why and what is going on and try to formulate a new approach to attack. If you as the adult can view it this way, it can be almost amusing to watch them in action. As a nonbiological parent you will always be under attack. They hate to love us and love to hate us. [Just keep in mind that when it comes down to brass tacks, they probably will call you in an emergency before they call their own parents because they do come to understand that they can rely on you. It is just safer for them to vent their teenage angst on you then it is to vent it on their own parents. They would not get away with treating their own parent that way and they know it. Sometimes it is almost a game for them to see just how much power they can have. Try not to let them see you sweat, even if you are.] 2) If they begin to scream and swear (which teens do), I try to keep myself in check and respond calmly and quietly. It infuriates them that you will not engage and they have to stop and listen to hear what you are saying if you will not raise YOUR voice. 3) When it becomes a pattern of daily hits (like you are describing and I have endured) I pull out this phrase "I feel that is not my responsibility." This has 2 parts. The first part is that I use this phrase directly with the offending child when they ask me to do something for them. It goes like this...they set me up with their father through some manipulation and or reiterate to me that "you are not my mom"...but then inevitably they have to ask me to give them a ride, make them a meal, listen to their woes or whatever they are seeking from me and then I pull out "I feel that is not my responsibility." Often I will follow that with "I would really like to be able to help you out, but you have made it clear to me that I am not your parent and you do not respect me as an adult, therefore it is not fair for you to ask me to do for you so I am going to have to say NO to you at this time. This generally leaves them stupified at first, but then they begin to realize what you do for them and they come around [fair warning there is usually about 2 weeks of constant attack until they decide you are not going to budge on this before they do come around, but in the end it IS worth it to have the peace restored]. The second part to this is using it on my significant other. When the kids complain/tattle to him of this "injustice" (and they will). It gives me the opportunity to point out to him that if he is not going to back my decision on whatever subject with his child, then he has relieved me of the responsibility of the parenting role and taken it upon himself. I point out to him that these are his children, that I am willing to help him IF AND WHEN HE WILL ALLOW me to. This always leaves him initially stupified too, but eventually because he is not as available to be on the first line (performing all of the "favors" for this child" or making arrangements for someone else to perform them), he usually sees the logic and sets the child straight. Just an aside, he has learned to do this to my children too. The benefit is that all of the kids have begun to see who does what for them and they know that they don't want to lose the support of either of us, because it is very uncomfortable for them when one of us just stops being responsible to/for them. It teaches them not to bite the hand that feeds them, so to speak and makes them realize that there is a reaction for each of their actions. It also lets the child know that you don't have to put up with their [censored], in a constructive way. Don't let this kid hold you hostage in your own home. You are the adult. It is a war, but you CAN and WILL win it if you use guerilla warfare! Good Luck!

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I cant believe you wrote this. This is my life to a T. I too have a stepdaughter, however no children of my own. I have helped raise her for 14 years and have had the same problem. She is a textbook Sociopath (look it up, trust me). I was finally at the point when she started hitting me that I had enough. I told my husband she had to leave or I would. I never expected him to "pick sides" since I am an adult, and his wife. I just wanted respect. I hated to go home. He told his ex she had to move in with him since we could not handle her anymore (she started treating her father the same way she treated me) His ex wanted him to "move in" with her and his daughter and Co-parent her. I couldn't believe it. He told his ex he wouldn't do that and his ex said he is "picking sides" It's been a month and his daughter has not picked up the phone to call either of us. I dont care either. Life is so much happier now that she is gone. Hopefully, your husband will come to his senses and make her move in with her mother. You will see the stress level diminish in your home greatly. Good luck

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My 17 yr old son has Asperger's and so we see a psychiatrist on a regular basis.

Normally we do not have a big issue with him and my husband, but last week they did have a HUGE blowout. My son tried to pull the "You're not my real dad" thing on hubby.

My husband and I always stand together publicly, and if we disagree about something we will talk about it afterwards privately (my husband was raised in a strict military home and has a little difficulty "bending" with the autism sometimes - but usually he is amazing!)

But at our last psychiatrist appt, it was just my son and I that got to go - so I brought up the argument and mentioned what my son said. The psychiatrist looked my son straight in the eye and said - "that doesn't fly. He may not be your biological father, but he is the man that has taken care of you most of your life."

I have been very tempted at times to disagree with my husband over a punishment or how strict he is - but I know how imprtant it is to present a "united front". It has made a huge difference in how my children from my first marriage treat my husband.

"Offthegrid" - you say your daughter is a sociopath, I wonder if she has something similar to my son's Asperger's? His emotions at times are very robotic and distanced, and he has a hard time relating to the world. He has had to learn how to emotionally connect with people, and it still doesn't always come out right. I wonder if your step-daughter needs some type of psychatric testing and help. The idea for you and your husband to move in with his ex is crazy, but he will always be a co-parent - because he is the parent.


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I have tried the ignor it dont bite back tactic for the last few years and it has got me nowhere. I am now if my stepdaughter ever speaks to me again going to start voicing my opinions regarding her behaviour and letting her know it's not acceptable anymore enough is enough. If you dont the only person getting screwed up is you she's getting exactly what she wants. You are arguing with your husband over this anyway and if you argue over the dicipline you now give so what he also needs to be re-educated in how to handle her. I have a 23 year old stepdaughter who is making my life a misery and has done for the lasst 5 years because I've just ignored it and not stood up to her but not anymore she's going to get exactly what she dishes out from now on and just maybe I can feel better about myself that way knowing I'm not living a lie and being a doormat. I have like you screwed myself up with the bad feelings I've had towards her but I wont let her do it anymore she doesn't seem to care who she walks on or upsets so why should you. Lets both see if a different tactic works xxxxx

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My stepdaughter drives both me and my husband insane. It's gotten to the point where neither of us want to be around her very long. She is only eight but, she is selfish, incredibly needy, bossy, and just plain evil most of the time. On the surface she seems very sweet but, when you are around her very long you see her true side. She constantly wants to be the center of everyone's attention. When we aren't paying attention to her she buts in and interupts us. Her teachers at school think she is adorable and sweet. If they only knew the truth.... She is always lying and not just about small things like little kids do. Around Easter she asked if she could go to church with one of her friends. We told her she could go but, she needed to call us from her friends house to see if it was alright with her friends mother. We live in a small apartment complex and we often let her walk to her friends apartments by herself. A while after she left she called me and said "Alisha's mom said it was alright if I went with them so can I go to the church?" I naturally said yes. Later she came home after going to the Easter party and I asked her questions about what happened. Somehow or another I found out that she had not gone to the church with her friend or friend's mom. She (an eight year old) walked to the church which is several blocks away from the apartments by herself!!!! She then called me from the church and pretended she was at her friends house. What kind of child lies like that? She manipulates everyone around her. She treats her grandmother like garbage. Her grandma is one of the sweetest people I know but, she is mean to her. Once when she went to her grandma's she wouldn't say hi to her or hug her. She just sat and watched t.v. the entire time she was there. I always try to treat my stepdaughter with respect. I try to treat her kindly but, anymore I can't stand to even hear her voice. I feel as though she is ruining my life. My husband and I have changed our entire way of life to accomodate her. When I first met my husband he didn't have custody of his daughter but now he does. Neither one of us wanted to have custody of her but, the situation with her mother was so bad we felt it would be best for her safety. Her mother is a dead beat drug addict with three kids by three different fathers. She is almost always in jail for stealing and I can see her charachteristics in her daughter. Her daughter is a spitting image of her. When my husband isn't around she tries to boss me around and tries to put me down. She tries to intimidate me and even puts down the way I look on occasion. I am an attractive woman but, it still hurts me and makes me feel self concious to hear such things. Sometimes she will say things about my age as I am young and her father is older. She will say things like "You aren't an adult." I just want to smack her sometimes. We have punished her and tried to set her straight but, I honestly think she doesn't have a concious. She seems to only care about herself. My husband is a little more optomistic and thinks she will change but I feel like she'll only get worse. We do have some nice times together but then, she goes and spoils it. I don't know what to do. I wish her mom would straighten up and take her back but, that will never happen. We have tried everything, talking to her and she even sees a councler and school but her attitude hasn't improved that much. I wish I knew what to do.

Last edited by Iam2good2bforgotten; 05/10/09 12:45 AM.
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2good2bforgotten -

Your step daughter sounds like she needs some professional help. I'm curious what sort of relationship she has with her mother, and whether she's been abused, or if there is parental alienation involved in this situation.

Some of the things coming out of her mouth likely come from her mother or another adult, not her own thoughts, but at 8 they can seem to come from her as she is good at mimicking at that age.

Please consider getting your SD counseling. She is only 8 and doesn't deserve to be hated or treated badly. I know you aren't doing it on purpose, but when both of you hate being around her, children pick up on this vibe and it will cause so many problems in her life (and yours) later.

Sometimes for the sake of a child, we have to "fake it" until we make it. She's eight, she has no real knowledge of the world, please hug her, and treat her as if you love her, maybe she will come around.

ps. School counselors aren't trained in many problems to do with Divorce. Try to find someone who understands what happens to children of divorce or who have two homes.

Last edited by Stephanie L Watson; 05/10/09 10:59 AM.

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Her mother is a really troubled person and is addicted to drugs. I know her life with her mother has been horrible but her attitude wears me out. We have talked with her many times about her behavior. She told us that she likes making people feel bad. She treats all of her family with disrespect, not just me. Her grandmother told me that she didn't like having her around because she is always poking fun at her for sounding strange when she speaks. Her grandmother is on a lot of medication that makes her speach slurred and it hurts her deeply when he grandaughter makes fun of her. We always try to treat her with respect. I never try to treat her differently then I would my own child. I treat her like gold but all I get back is dirt. She acted this way even when she first arrived and we were happy to have her with us. We have also sent her to the school counsler and nothing has improved. She is getting worse as time goes on and it seems all we can do is keep punishing her. This doesn't affect her in any way. She seems to feel no remorse for hurting her grandma or me. I don't know what to do.

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A couple of things you said really caught my attention:

"She doesn't seem to have a conscience"
"She seems to feel no remorse"

These comments make me wonder about a true psychological disorder, not just a behavior problem. You said her mother is a truly troubled person and addicted to drugs. Many, many mental disorders are hereditary and/or can be caused by the mother being on drugs while pregnant.

My oldest son has Asperger's, a type of high functioning Autism. At times he very much seems to have no remorse for things he does wrong. He does not naturally feel remorse - but he can be made aware of what he has done wrong and why it is wrong. On the other hand he does not ever take pleasure in making people hurt. It is more that he doesn't ever think about other people. He has the emotional and social awareness of a young child. The world revolves around him, anything he does only applies to him, and other people are incidental.

If your step-daughter actually enjoys making other people hurt or feel bad, then it may be something along the lines of Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy and psychopathy are loosley related to this).

Here's a link to read about it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder

This little girl may need serious help. It may not just be that it is punishment, or that she doesn't like you. It may be worth it to take her to a psychiatrist or diagnostic or pediatric psychologist.



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I HATE people like that. She needs a good kick in the @ss. Yes, I agree, she has mental problems, making fun of her own Grandmother. That's just the lowest.


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