BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse The Grieving Process

Thank you mysoneedshelp and Kelli. I really appreciate you sharing with me your stories. My father is sick as well. He has copd and a non-vascular auto-immune disease. He has to go for blood transfusions now and he has had previous strokes and heart surgery. Still he continues to talk to me like I am scum, when he in a bad mood. Yet gives me money at other times for me and my kids and tells me he loves me. I am confused by his behavior and saddened. I am sorry I confronted him and not sorry at the same time. I feel guilty because he is sick now, and my family hates me for making it "all about me". I just don't see it that way. I went to the hospital and have many times with him. I have sat silently and supported him. I have gotten him audio books to listen too on my kindle, which at firt he liked then poo pooed it and said he would just read the paper. I always feel like I can't love him enough for him to respect me. I love him so much. More than he will ever know. But I don't like him at all. I know what you mean by loveing them but not liking them. I can't help it that I confronted him when I did. I have chronic pain and am on fentanyl and other meds. I have had my share of problems as we all do. My problems never matter to them, they are never important enough for them to acknolegde. It is almost like dad enjoys his illness for the power it gives him. I have always loved my father more than my mother as strange as that may sound. He abused me, physically and emotionally, they neglected us out of ignorance and I try to understand it. Dad atleast talked to me when he was in the right frame of mind. I believe he tried his best to be a good father, but repeated the abuse he received as a child himself. I think in his mind he did better than his dad so he can't understand why I feel this way. Mom was a drunk who functioned highly. Kept the house in order, fed us, did wash and basically was a robot. She has never emotionally been there for me and for that I am so angry and hate and love her at the same time. I find myself questioning wheather or not I was abused. I know I was. I just want to end this struggle that nobody can see. I was slapped, hit with a belt,drug through the house by my hair, slapped across the face with his hand and a belt once. I was emotionally and verbally abused as well. Never by my mom. She was just oblivious to it. Her mom was a terrible drunk and she was molested as a child and never received help. Her first husband was killed in Vietnam and her mom died almost the same time. My dad is a vietnam vet too, who has used his "get out of jail free card" with that all the time. Whenever I complained about how they treated me it always went back to how much they lived through. I was and am still made to feel guilty because of this. I am having a really hard day and am fighting myself not to make any contact with them because it will just go back to the same thing again. I don't want that relationship anymore. I don't know how to "fix" this. I am the black sheep. I feel like I am going through withdrawel by not talking to them. I know you feel I am coragious and strong, but I feel so fragile and weak. I am working on letting go and letting God. I am afraid they will die before we ever get this resolved. That is the guilt that drives me toward them again. My bestfriend told me that that is out of my control. She is right. However, it is so hard when you love and hate someone. It is a terrible feeling that I wish to God would go away. I made my mind up that each day, I tell myself the same things alcoholics say, today I will stay away from my parents. (not have a drink for today) because it is too hard to look much farther in the future. I hope this makes sense. What are any thoughts on this? Do I sound irrational?

notjustme,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it is my understanding that adult children of alcoholics are not taught to necessarily stay away from their alcoholic parents, but to use "tough love" with them. It seems as though you are tremendously torn at your decision to not have any part to do with your parents because it seems that you really and truly love them. I guess at this point, you would need to ask yourself if staying completely away from them is in your best interest. I am certainly not trying to add confusion to your life. It just seems that perhaps you can use tough love with them. Maybe you can go and visit them and once they start in with the abusive behavior, simply get up and tell them that you will not stay there with them if they continue to behave as they are at that moment. And then leave. Then repeat the process. Perhaps it will show them that while you will not tolerate their abuse any longer, you do love them. Do you think this will work better for you? Again, I am not trying to bring confusion into your life, I'm just looking at the situation from the outside window, so to speak.

You talk of times when your father is really nice to you and talks with you. Is it possible that if you go to visit them, there will be moments such as this that you can gather as a jewel in your life and cherish that particular memory of time spent with him? Again, if he begins to verbally abuse you, you are free to leave, sending him a clear signal that you will not subject yourself to his abuse any longer.

Please let me know what you think of this.

You are correct I am tremendously torn. I have tried the tough love approach and kept them at a distance. I tried to keep the situation managable. However my father is an "all or nothing" kind of guy. I started ignoring his phone calls which are several times daily, because he wants to know "every" aspect of my life. Where I am what happened etc. He wants a blow by blow description of my day. I find it way too intrusive. After being told that he doesn't like my husband, who has done absolutly nothing to deserve this. He is a plumber and has dropped everything every time they needed something fixed or replaced. He has never charged them and paid for any and all parts himself. Totaling several thousands of dollars. My parents are mad that I owe them $700. I haven't been able to pay them in the last few months, now they want colateral to hold. I am very affended by this. I was told to come visit without my husband. I tried to do the alanon tough love, but my father just will not have it. He becomes more and more spiteful and abusive. It finally came to a head when he destroyed long standing plans for my mom and I to go out and eat alone without him at a restaurant for my birthday. He just is like a bull in a china shop and runs right through my feelings, bounderies and requests. The only option I was left with was walking away. I feel terrible about it because although i was prepared to do it, I really didn't want to. I am glad I followed through, but I resent the fact that he didn't give me much of a choice. I wish I could enjoy the times in which he was "decent", but I feel it was his decision to continue his bad behaviors that drove me away from any of the enjoyable parts. It is a control issue with him. He ups the anty when he doesn't get what he wants. I am mourning the loss of contact. For that I feel bad, but I don't miss the abuse. I flip flop back an forth. I think that is part of what i must experience until I get stronger and used to this. I miss them. I love them but hate how I am treated. I know that it is going to take much more than 9 days to heal 35 years. It is going to take them a very long time to "get it".

notjustme,
It sounds as though you are doing the right thing. It sounds like you have obviously tried the tough love approach and your father continues to insist having control over your life. Please do not give them anything for collateral. I think if it were me, I would remind them of the many times my husband has fixed things for them and covered the cost out of pocket. I realize that it probably won't mean anything to your father, but I would have a hard time not reminding him of the help I provided. But, that's just me. However, I'm not sure that's a good idea for you either, since your father seems to be all about control.

I am genuinely sorry about all that you have had to endure over the years from your father. It is so troubling. You have obviously come a long way and I am so proud of you for standing your ground and taking care of 'you!' I am so proud of you. Continue to stand strong, my friend.

It has been two weeks since I blew up with on my father. I am no longer angry and now I am just depressed. I am not sure if this is part of grieving or not. I have a painful condition called chronic fatigue immune difficientcy and fibromayalgia on top of haveing 3 back surgeries for spinal stenosis. Yesterday I couldn't even get out of bed. I cried so much because I needed someone to help watch my three kids. My hubby can't take anymore time off and I really don't have any other kind of support. This is exactly how my parents kept control over me. When they did grace me with some respite. So I always had to kiss their feet and take the abuse hoping they would toss me a bone here and there and help. It really doesn't matter because nothing is different. If I was talking to them I would be told I was interfering with their plans and to suck it up. I just feel very depressed. Does anyone else relate or am I on my own?

notjustme,
I can relate and yes, I was told by my therapist that depression is a normal phase of the grieving process. I can understand how stuck you must feel because my sister also has fibromyalgia and can only work part time because of it. I can't imagine having that plus having small children. Do you have any friends that can help you out during this health crises?

No, my friends all work. I just need to suck it up and pray that september comes quickly. This year my youngest starts kindergarten. If I have an episode of cfids I can rest without worry. I am feeling less depressed but I still feel bad. I guess it will get better over time. I am learning about being codependent, which I am. I feel like my whole world has gotten shaken around as I try to ajdust to a whole new way of thinking and detaching from my family. I will continue to learn as time goes on.

notjustme,
I am here for you if you need someone to talk with or just need to vent.

I am feeling much better since my initial shock of confronting my Father. I appreciate all the help you guys have offered. I have been reading about codependency and it is helping me very much. Any advice about codependency is needed.

notjustme,
I'm happy to hear that the people on this forum have encouraged you in some way. I will try to write an article on codependency soon. Again, I am here for you.