BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse The Grieving Process

Thanks so much for responding to my post. I have been checking to see if anyone would. I found this site accidentally and pray that it will help to heal me. I needed to hear what you had to say. I bought two journals today to write in over the next few months, days, years or however long it taks me, to write to my mom and dad. I plan on writing one for each of them. Maybe if I write about all my memories, good and bad I will feel better. I just feel like a damn is bursting inside me and I can't get it out fast enough. I am unsure if I will ever give it to eithter of them. I don't know if they will ever evolve enough to read it with an open mind. Most likely they will critisize, deny and make fun of it. I guess only time will tell. I can only help by writing about it, I will heal in the process.

notjustme,
I'm so glad that you found this site. I hope that you feel welcomed here and that you feel safe enough to share what is on your mind and in your heart. There are several very supportive members on this forum.

When I first started to process through all the abuse I have endured in my lifetime, I began writing as a means of releasing and expressing what I was feeling. I learned some very valuable things while writing. I learned that writing is very therapeutic! Write in any fashion that makes YOU comfortable and helps you to process through it. If you have to write with cuss words, so be it. I have done that because it helped me to release the anger within me. Poetry was another method of writing that I chose. I also wrote down every memory that would pop up and that really helped me as well. I wrote down things that were said to me that hurt me. I wrote down incidents of when I was physically or sexually abused. I wrote it all down.

I also chose to draw. I would pull out the markers and crayons when my emotions were at their strongest and just draw whatever came to mind.

One of the things that I chose to do, during my process, was to take everything I wrote and drew to my therapist. I gave them all to her. Some of them were thrown away in her office and some were kept in a special envelope for a later time. Throwing them away was a means of my releasing it. I had gotten it out of me and put it onto paper. Then, I got rid of it. About one year later, I got the envelope back and looked through everything. It was very empowering to see how much I had grown and healed during that time. I then threw away that envelope.

These ideas may or may not help you in your process, but I thought I would share them with you. I hope they do help you. Please feel free to come here and share as much as you need to or want to. It's truly ok and I am here for you.

Thank you so much for your support and suggestions. I am feeling a little better today. It gets easier each day. It was hard over the holiday. We went camping and I was only half with my family. The other half was wondering what was being said and done behind my back. I felt like I was fighting myself all weekend. "Don't think about them" and "Maybe I should call my brother and see if he is mad at me". Sounds kinda weird, I guess. Time will heal this and it won't be so hard to live without them. It will be easier because I was always feeling so wounded while trying to have the relationship I wanted with them. I finally came to my senses and stopped expecting them to ever be what I wanted to be. I had to give it alot of thought. I decided it would be better for me to stop pretending that I didn't hurt. I think the worst part of this is that my family refuses to validate my pain. It is REAL. No matter how they try to trivialize it.

notjustme,
You're right - it is real. They may try to minimize it, but the pain is very real. I hope you are feeling better today. You are in my thoughts.

Thank You. I appreciate your concern. It is so nice to know that I do have somewhere to turn. There is Alanon here, which I did for a while a couple of years ago, but it didn't help me to learn how to have a healthy relationship with my parents. It felt like I had to accept that I had no power to change it, but then what? Take more abuse? My dad would be nice one day and nasty the next. How do you deal with someone who gets so hostle with you just because you ask "what did you do today?" and get told " I told you yesterday I was going to the F%$#ing Doctor, Don't you F*&^ing remember?" That is the kind of treatment I get. While Mom doesn't talk to me on the phone. She says " I hate the phone" and repeats everything I say while she does talk on the phone so my dad can hear it too. She says I can email her. She lives 30 minutes away and has nothing to do with me. I am disabled after three back surgeries, a spinal disease and severe arthritis. I have a 5 and 6 year old and a bipolar/Asperger daughter who lives home now after three years in residential. They won't help me out by watching the kids because they say "we never had help". Yet My grandmother lived with us for a while and stayed over when mom was ill. Funny. We remember two distinctly different lives. I am sorry for rambling on. I am tired and was up late journaling about them and then couldn't sleep because I was so mad. Does it get easier? Part of me wants to give in and quit and just let them win, but I know it wouldn't be long before i felt this way again. I wonder if me being away will ever get my point accross?

notjustme,
It does get easier, it really does. That's not to say that when you begin processing it is not hard, because it is very difficult. But, it does get easier. I encourage you not to quit. The process is worth it in the end. I'm sorry, forgive me for asking again, but I don't remember whether or not you have a therapist. It's so important to not go through the process alone. You need someone you can trust to walk with you as you process things. As for whether or not your being away will get your point across, I'm honestly not sure. They may recognize that you are not around, but most likely will not accept responsibility for why you are not around. It sounds to me like they just don't want to accept responsibility for their actions, unfortunately. But, that cannot stop you from finding healing. Keep processing, find that trusted individual, and I trust you will do just fine.

I had a therapist for years. I discussed all the issues I had with my parents. It is not that they didn't help me understand that I WAS abused, it is that I couldn't resolve the problems with my parents becuase my parents refuse to take responsibility or even listen to me. They just continued interacting the way they alwys did with me. This is the first time I ever really just told them how I felt without caring what they think or do. My meds. cost alot of money because I don't have medicaid yet. So at the moment I can not afford a therapist. I am in the beginning of my own proccess I guess. I am no longer yoyoing back and forth to my parents out of fear of rejection. I have rejected them. It is one week today and I am feeling empowered. I got some books from the library dealing with abuse and hope they help. I am journaling which does help, but I still keep second guessing myself wondering if I am being unreasonable. I know that I am not. I am not used to being on the "outside". I know that if I bite the bullet and stick to it, I may finally find peace and forgivness toward my parents. I am so angry because while my parents were drunk I was sexually abused. Because it was by another child my parents don't think it counts. I didn't tell them everything that happend back then. They didn't know all the disgusting details. Later when I was a teen my brother dated her and stayed at our house. I was told to "get over it". Am I crazy or them? Another time I was sexually abused by a grown man they had over. Both times I had tried to tell my Mom but was shusshed away. She was busy drinking and I was annoying her. I talked to my best friend about it today and she agreed that I am doing the best thing by cutting them off since they never change. I am obesessing about this. I feel like an alcoholic who has quit drinking. Like my family is a terrible addiction. I keep telling myself one day at a time I will get through this. I keep myself occupied with my kids and husband but today is a bad day mentally. I am hormonal which doesn't help. My brother won't talked to me anymore and I feel like the lonliest person alive. However, I know if I get over this mountain I will find peace. I know I can survive. I just need support doing this. Thanks for listening to me. I need it. xoxox

I couldn't have said it better. I am doing the same.

justfor me - I am absolutely in awe of your strength and resolve to no longer be a victim. I applaud you. My father was abusive. I wish I had been able to say to him the things that you said to your father, but he died before I got that chance. My father died in 2002 and I had not spoken or seen him since 1984. He died in a vacant apartment in the projects in San Diego with nobody around. The state of CA had to cremate him and throw his ashes into the Pacific Ocean because no one claimed him. I'm sad to say that my first reaction was, that's what you get. Abuse is never okay. You are one very strong person. I commend you as well!

notjustme,
Thanks for clarifying your position on whether or not you are in therapy. I hope that your medicaid comes through quickly so that you can get into therapy.

notjustme, I know how difficult it is. I really do. I was not as strong as you are though. You are very courageous. I tried, for a short time, to distance myself from my parents, but just couldn't do it. I felt guilty for wanting to do it and for doing it. Instead, I continued to tolerate the abuse behavior when my mother was drunk. You know...I loved my parents very much. I didn't 'like' them, but I loved them. I hope that makes sense. They were my parents. I longed to be close to them. As I grew older, my mother and I formed a relationship, but the past abuse was never brought up and when she was drunk, she would call me and trouble would start. I started making excuses for not continuing the conversation, anything to end the call. I just couldn't take it anymore.

My mother died two years ago. I truly wished I had had the courage to do what you did. I wish I could have sat down with her and just talked it through with her...just to get an acknowledgement. But, that never happened. She became very ill two years ago with COPD and for nearly 4 months she was in hospice. In the beginning, when she was hospitalized and in respiratory distress, she would beg for us to bring her a drink. She was in withdrawals from years of drinking. She never really came out of that state. My sisters and I would try to explain to her that she couldn't drink in the hospital. Sometimes she would get downright nasty and for me, that was really hard because it took me back in time to when I was a kid. Then, when I felt upset with her while she was sick, that would lead to guilt. She began to deteriorate andt here was no chance that we would ever have that talk. Instead, I would sit by her bedside, watch t.v. with her, tell her I loved her, and try with all my heart to get past her nastiness. That was one of the most difficult times in my life.

I think that's why I told you that I commend you on what you have done. You have done what many survivors of child abuse long to do -- you have confronted your abusive parent. That is no easy task, but you stepped out in courage and you did it. Continue to stand strong, you are doing well!