BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?!

Also, as anything that becomes an addiction, porn is now a familiar machanism he can use to provide comfort and a feeling of normalcy, so knowing you are upset about it,stress over your not having a baby, feeling put on the spot, all of tehse things are MORE likely to cause him to continue or increase his behavior.

The women he looks at and fantasize about demand nothing of him. They don't judge, need, offer an opinion, or--anything. If he has any feelings of inferiority, particularly in the realm of "manliness" he may find reassurance from a woman he can't possibly disappoint.(And, as much as we may not undersand it, many men DO feel that they have "failed" if there are fertility issues, even though you both know about the poly-cystic ovaries) This is not to imply that you are nagging or have unrealistic expectations-- it is about what he fears you think of him, not what you really think or feel. He probably began using porn for it's titillating effects, as Lori said at the beginning of this thread, but once it became an addiction it began filling a number of functions.

Hello my name is Priscilla, I am 23. My husband and I have two wonderful little girls. We were married at 19.My husband serves in the military as a submariner. I have a great life with my husband. Over the past few years we have been married Pornography has seemed to be an addiction for my husband. I simply am not okay with it. It makes me as a wife & mother second guess myself on my husbands satisfaction. I see he is happy though. I find myself angry at him, and surley a divorse is far out of the question. We dont have the time to see a counselor, when we talk about it we arent really listening to eachothers thoughs of feelings. We agreed that communication is important in marriage. so when we talk about him looking at porography he simply tells me "men have fanticies that they would never try to live in the same bed as which him and i sleep in".So that being said he respectfully just lives in the "moment" and does his thing where else... I understand what he is telling me, but i am getting more insecure as time goes by knowing he is looking at pornography. what can i do to maybe try to work this out with my husband and make my insecurities kinda dissapear so that i can be comfterable when it comes down to our romantic life? I hope this is very well put as younge as i am. I have only been married for 4 years this April. thanks a lot PM

Hello
If your husband point blank refuses to discuss giving up looking at porn, and counselling is out of the question change something else. You say you talk but go round in circles not really listening to one another, then change some aspects of communication. Earlier in this forum we have looked at the emotional and addictive side of porn. Ask your husband to sit in your chair. Ask him to discuss porn. from your point of view. How would he feel etc? You then do the same. Sit in his chair. This way you will begin to start an understanding process of each other's point of view. If he won't change then some part of you must. You say divorice and counselling is out of the question so working through the problem has to be the way forward. Start to work on your insecurities. Feel good about your self and your husband has to help you with this. He needs to pay you compliments and tell you he loves you for you. Externalise the porn into an outside force. It is not part of your love making -that is for you and your husband. Your husband must work with you to work through this part of your marriage, you are both so young, this will be part of your marriage for a long time if it is not worked through now.
The communication between you has to change. Start this process and keep it on the agenda. Don't let it lurk away in some dark corner. Your emotional needs in this marriage are important and your husband must show his love, respect and value for you in this matter.

Hi Pricilla,

I had an ex-husband that was addicted to porn. This is a topic, that many may not like to talk about, but frankly it exists as much as trying to go to the store and save money. It really should be spoken about.

I could feel it, what was going on, well before I actually walked in on it. Not only was he watching it but when my friends would come over, they would be facinated as well. So, I just started to ask - in order to better understand. I didn't treat it as my enemy and delved or would watch what they would.

The type of porn he watched did nothing for me - it looked and felt cold. Watching the conversations though from other people watching the same thing and what peeked their interest was really mind opening.

It really is an addiction like any other. It's a thrill like a roller coaster. It's difficult to explain, but the fantasies are endless - a constant trill. There were chat rooms attached to these things as well which made it almost like listening in on other people's conversations. This added to the thrill.

Well, this is where love and marriage comes in. I understood the thrill, but it came to a point where I had to present how that addiction was making me feel.

I think sensual movies can be watched together and that can spice things up. I mean every day we imagine. Why stop in the bedroom? But, and I understand not every intimate moment can be romantic, and sometimes a person just needs a release - fast, no attachment, stress, help in getting to sleep - but relationships need tending, caring and obviously sacrifice.

Each person is different. I know from my experience, the more intense a person is, the more an equivelent release is necessary. If it is gettting in the way of marriage and you see this habit early on, it's not to late to work with him in regards to this. He may not have to quit altogether, but depending on how much his addiction is affecting your relationship, he may, like any other addiction, need to gain control over it.

I'd ask to sit in on whatever he's watching or partaking in. I have other ideas, but I'd rather the two of you spoke openly first. Hope this helps.

___________________________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

So the reason why i am needing advice is to understand more about how i am feeling as a woman. I dont think men really understand our "emotional attachments" and i still being as younge as i am am still learning things about myself that i thought i already knew... The day before was when all this really took a toll. I think that i am a pretty fair person and i really try to take a step back and look at all things from different perspectives. I simply said "no more, please, Get rid of it all"! Then lastnight i threw a fit because i asked him if he had any video's on this thing called a Zune. He said yes. I asked how much...then it when on from there. My husband is a very honest person. is has not hid anything from me in the past two years as far as i know. So i am am not understanding is is it really just me?! because before we had our kids it was KINDA like this but now its worse. and i am a chrisitain women and i just dont like the fact that its in " OUR HOME". Is there anything i guess that i can do to make my husband want me more, before he has his fettish moment for porn. I keep the house clean, i make sure there is ood on the table when he is home... i mean i really am questioning myself because it really never was a huge deal. I was sexually active at 8 years old, not having sex but cause i was abused. I dont want our daughters to end up like that. So is there anyone out there that can tell me why as a women, why do i feel that even though i completely satisfy my spouce and knowing he is happy, why am i making a huge deal about this? I know there are a lot of people with opinions but i want full experiances to hear to understand myself... My husband complements me all the time btw.he has never told me i look fat just because he's not that type of guy. We have tried different agreements but i think different this can confuse him because one minute i am saying its okay to look at porn, but only if you do it with me... Then i tell him that its not okay... Thats giving mixed signals to my understanding. I have seeked my own personal counselings in which i have not done since our two children were born in the last 22 months. I just dont understand it....

sorry i am not referring to my husband abusing our two children...wanted to make that clear! =)

Hi usnnucet. I'm sorry for taking so long to respond to your post. I've been in the midst of several personal emergencies. But I have read your post carefully. Have you had a chance to read some of the BellaOnline Marriage site articles regarding porn? They might help you understand the reason for why porn lures so many men.

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art59875.asp

It really is not about you. It isn't whether he is or is not in love with you or attracted to you. It isn't about whether you are a good enough wife or not. I felt the same inadequacies but it isn't about us at all.

Some men have real problems with porn addiction. For others, it is a relatively minor part of their lives as an alternative to constantly hounding their wives for sex.

But you mentioned that for religious reasons, you do not want it in the house. I can understand this. But be careful or he will resort to using it outside the house. Make no demands. This is something that he is unable to control right now. It is a strong impulse.

Pray a lot. And love him regardless of his weaknesses. Live a Christ-like life which is more than a clean home but a pure heart that loves like Christ--which is a very hard thing to do. Christ loved and forgave even his enemies. Surely, we can do the same for the men we love.

I need to rush out of town at this moment, but I do hope you'll keep in touch and let us know how things go. I've been in your shoes. I must tell you that the more you fight this head on, the worse it will be because the porn addiction is a stress reliever for men.

There are other wiser ways to battle this. You both can win. My spouse rarely, if ever, views porn anymore.

As far as the children in your home, the porn can be hidden far more easily than the strife and tension between you two if you fight about it. Please, for the time being, let it go and focus on creating a very loving, happy family. Like a precious seed, the joy, love and laughter will grow and choke out any evil.

Good luck and God bless.

My husband is addicted to porn to. For the past 11 years of our marriage I thought if I prayed hard enough & was the best posible wife his addiction would end. Here I am today 11 years later at a cross roads in my life. He either seeks treatment or Im leave and this time I am. Enough is enough and its taken me this long to get to that point. I am blogging and journaling about it if anyone is intrested. www.squidoo.com/herheart As for those who would say porn is less then drug addiction, I beg to differ. With a drug addict you can detox your body. With a porn addict you can't detox your mind. An addict to porn is real and it effect the persons mood, self esteem and behavior towards others. It steals their joy and the things that really matter.

There are not many resources out there for us woman. I have been suffering silently for the past 11 years and three children later with my husbands porn addiction. I finally have realized it's not me. There is no amount of being understanding, a good wife, a devote christian and so on that will make him change. You can read my story onBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Dear Everyone....First of all thankyou to everyone for an interesting and important discussion. Its so important..... As its been discussed before that its like an drug but drugs are expensive and hard to get but these porno are so easy and even free on some web sites..... They are one kind of escapism as not trying to resolve things instead making themselves happy by doing these little tricks.....as addiction grows more the subject draws itself away from the real world......looses his/her self esteem, will power...... I personally had been the victim of this addiction as had been brought up in a very tense family and once as a kid I came accross this thing called porno and it was so good to mind that It helped me getting away from that day to day reality. As the life struggles came I didn't face them sharply instead used pornography as a running away object from reality. As I am very good looking person so attracted many realtionships which lasted for short time as my mind only thought of sex other then knowing the other aspects of women which has more beauty in them. Here is one this Musculine fellow but there is no dance of life possible without the aspect of famininity in it..... I became egoistic....I saw those animal like qualities in me....I felt that blockage....The softness and calmness inside was vanishing.... At the age of 33 I came to my self realization.....I need to cure this disease.... Anyway Dear friends I wanted to share all this as its me and a live example of it.......Presently today I am 70% healed and needed another 30% recovery...... No one knows about this except me.... Sprituallaty has helped me a lot....doing Yoga and some techniques of meditation.....surrendring to allmighty and trust on it has helped too......By understanding the core of the wound has helped me too because I realised whenever I am with my parents and they behave the same way....I wanted to go somewhere and watch prono or some kind of escapism....Today I deal with them nicely effecientlly. Thankyou for this discussion again.......one thing I certianly made my mind on was first I would fully cure my self and then get in to next realtionship as It could hurt women a lot.... Please be my friends and help me to achieve another 30%.....If I could be of any help in discussion and understanding this sickness. take care.....Jaiho