BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Where should a remarried widower be buried?

OK I need some help. I'm a 56 year old remarried widower. I was married to my first wife at 19 and we were married for 25 years before she passed away (breast cancer) at 43. I met my second wife less than a year later. We dated for almost 3 years before we married. I love her very much. We each have 3 grown children and now we have 3 granchildren with a fourth on the way. We've been married for almost 9 years now. I love and treat all of our children the same as if they were my own. Here's the problem. About 3 months before my 1st wife passed away I purchased a double burial space. It seemed to be a pretty obvious decision at the time. Last month we went on vacation to a place where my first wife and I had vacationed more than 25 years ago. Several times during the week we went sight seeing to places where my first wife and I had visited. Frankly it had been the only vacation that my first wife and I ever had alone together. The week that we came home an older family member passed away and the wake was held at the same funeral home where my first wife had been waked. two of my kids were there and we started talking about something funny that happened at my wife's wake and yes there were a few tears. Now my wife had declared that she has been very patient but that she has "Had it" with the memory of my first wife. She suddenly feels like I love my first wife more and her and that she doesn't want me to be buried with my first wife. She says that she feels that she is only "borrowing" me becuase when I die I'm going to go "back" to my first wife. I deeply love my wife, but I really believe that she is being unreasonable. I really couldn't care less where my body goes when I die but I think that it would really upset my children if I am not intered with their Mother. My Wife knew way back when we were dating that I was planning to be buried with my wife. In fact I always felt that this would be fine since my Wife wants to be cremated and have her ashes spread at a site in the ocean near where we live. Cremation is just not something that I would ever want for myself but I respect her wishes and I'm fine with that. Now she says that she would re-consider cremation if I agreed to be buried with her. I know this is a "voice of Women" Forum but that's OK I really would like to get some unbiased feedback She hasn't spoke to me in a week over this and I believe that it is close to breaking us up. Frankly I am not very happy that she would turn something that was clearly articulated 12 years ago into a make or break issue now. I will always love my first wife but that has nothing to do with my Love for my Wife. I mean when you have a second child you don't stop loving your first one right? What do you think? Widower 52

I feel that when someone dies, it is not where their body lies, but where their soul journeys that is important. Your present wife is hurt because she loves you and wants to keep you to herself, not share you with the past. Your children would be hurt if you were not "resting" together with their mother. I empathize with your situation and can feel the hurt and confusion on all sides there.

I think what your present wife is feeling now, about all the memories from your life with your first wife are being thrown at her and she is feeling a little like second place, pushed aside. You and her have committed to a life together and her importance in your life is (according to her) a little shaky right now.

The way I believe, none of this will matter when you are all in Heaven for the spirits will have nothing to forgive or be hurt about. All will be well at that time. The problem is the ones left here on Earth and how they feel.

It might be wise for you and your present wife to have some counseling with someone whom you both like and trust. Do you belong to a church? Are you both of the same religion? Do you know someone outside the family that you both could talk to? Some couseling on this issue may really help you, your wife and your children.

Personally, I feel your first wife is at peace and it does not matter to her where you are laid to rest for she will be with you when you pass over. The real issue is your present wife and how she feels. This is what must be resolved. Your children must understand that this is an issue between you and your present wife.

If it would please your children to have just your plague with engraving on it next to their mother after you pass on then maybe they would not mind that you will be laid to rest by your present wife. But - what if your present wife remarries after you are gone? Then where would she want to be buried? With you or her new husband?

No one can really give you an answer to this delemma. This is something you need to get some good advice and counseling on before you make a definite decision.

I hope there is some help for you in what I have written.

This is such a hard situation.

I just returned from a funeral, and it reminded me of how many emotions and memories are stirred up; not only of the one that was just lost - but of others that have previously gone before. There IS no other place or atmosphere that is the same as a funeral, so being at one naturally brings back memories of others.

I do think, however, that in choosing to have a vacation in the same spot as you did with your previous wife may not have been the wisest of choices.

It is very important for you to create NEW memories with your new wife. Memories that have no lingering shadows of your first wife. She needs to feel that she is not in competition with a ghost. That there IS no competition. The heart grows with love, the more you give away - the more you have to give.

If she feels she has your undivided love NOW, then she may not be so threatened by where your body rests once you are gone.

Because in reality, the only thing that will be lying beside your 1st wife's remains are bones and tissue - YOU will not be there. (And neither is your 1st wife.)

The funeral and burial is only for the living, not the dead. It is funny, but I had just written an article on this: A Funeral

So above all else, focus on the living for now. Focus on your wife and that relationship. Possibly have a family meeting with her and your children to discuss why this is such a painful subject - but talk to her first. Your children are adults, although they are your children, your first commitment now is to your wife.

Ah, such a difficult situation. There are two sides to this, and I can related to both. Phyllis is right in many ways.

On one hand, your present wife should have accepted the fact that you are a widower with children. Your first wife is a part of you and your children and always will be. She should have accepted that before she married you. It's not that you love your first wife "more" but differently, and all those memories should not be denied. Instead of feeling threatened by the memories of your first wife, she should let you share them with her because they make you happy.

But she isn't as strong as she needs to be as a second wife, I guess.

What if she were the one who was widowed? Would she like it if you insisted she "forget" all about her first husband and the children she produced with him?

As far as your first wife is concerned, she is on the other side where she is more enlightened now. It will not concern her or upset her no matter where you decide to be buried. So, don't worry about her first wife's feelings in that regard.

It is your present wife to whom you must live and please. She knew the deal (you believed she wanted to be cremated) so she should be able to stick with it. But if not, you must ask yourself, "Where do I want to be buried?" You must decide and write it in a will or your present wife will be able to decide for you in case you die unexpectedly and that might cause a lot of problems among your children.

No woman wants to play second fiddle. She wants proof that she is loved best by her husband so I can't blame your second wife for feeling the way she does. But now you must make a choice.

Frankly, IF you really do love your second wife as much as your first wife and don't want to lose her, I would make plans with her. She is your present wife. She is the one to whom you are married now and will be married to upon your death. (Your vows state, "'til death do you part.")

Your first wife will not only understand but give you her blessing, I'm sure. She knows of and feels your love for her and does worry over earthly trifles as to where your bones are buried. She is only concerned about your happiness now. It's your children who need to understand your choice.

God bless.

So many good points have been made in the previous posts. However, something doesn't seem to quite fit. The return to a vacation spot shared with your first wife, and the memories of her funeral may be contributing factors, but I sense something else underlying.

From your post, I infer this situation has arisen somewhat quickly. It's clear you are confused, and that's understandable, since you previously discussed your burial plans. It appears something has instigated in your wife a lack of confidence in the marriage, or possibly her self confidence. This may have been exacerbated by the vacation and the funeral. I would try to think back on anything that preceded these events and any changes in her attitude or behavior. These may have seemed slight and unremarkable at the time, but may have intensified. We all change, but when the changes occur rapidly and intensify, there is an issue, either mental, emotional, or physical.

We women are complicated beings and will sometimes press on one topic, when it is a separate and unrelated topic which is the real problem for us. It may not be possible to uncover what the true issue is, for it may internal, something she may not be conscious of.

Doing what you can to help shore up her self confidence and confidence in the marriage may help her through this. For many of us, it's truly the little demonstrations of love that are really the biggest. A short love note tucked somewhere she will find it during the day, an unexpected bouquet, or a heart felt compliment. I've been married for almost 16 years, and my heart swells when my husband introduces me to someone as "His Bride." I'm the 2nd wife.

I would like to echo the good points that have been made in the previous posts. The feeling of 'borrowing you' has not come out of nowhere. When your wife said those words they had been running around in her head for some time.
The holiday may have been a trigger for unconcious actions and words said over a long period of time.
Your children want their parents together in death.Work with this aspect of the arrangement. Spiritually we move on to a place of eternal love. In our human form- rituals of burials are important.
I notice you signed off 'Widower 52' The question I'd ask is:
Do you see your self as a widower or a married man?
Reflect on the signiture and how this may have impacted on the marriage you have. If your wife is close to breaking away from the marriage- the holiday was a tipping point, but not the reason.

I'm 62. My opinion is to make plans with your current wife. As said before, your kids are adults now and they are not your primary concern. Also, do not visit places as a couple you enjoyed with your first wife. And I agree that though you signed as a widower, you are a married man.

Blessings, Susan

A friend of mine handled it this way...her husband was buried with his first wife and she will be buried with her first husband. It was a matter of economics..they both had purchased double plots just as you did.
However, I do agree sounds like your wife is feeling second best.
Sundancer
www.mikessportingoods.ecrater.com

Thank you all for your responses. They have been helpful but I'll still need to work on it. A couple of clarifications. This was actually the third time that we have been to Hawaii in the last 4 years. The first time was an incentive trip with my company so the location was not our choice. My wife loved it so much that it's the only place that she has wanted to go on vaction. I never refer to myself as a widower. I think that I chose that name because this is a bereavement site and I wanted to kind of set the seen with that title and my YOB. The other thing that I didn't mention is that my wife was not a widow. She was married twice and had children with both husbands. I have to say that she rarely talks about her relationships with them. She thinks that would upset me. I always tell her that it would not because her past is part of who she is and who she has become so it is a part of us. A couple of years ago my oldest stepchild was married and since my wife's second husband had really helped to raise her, both exhusbands and their extended families were invited. We've been to many family events when these extended families were present and I have had no problem at all with that. They are all very nice people and part of who my wife and my step daughters are. We rarely see my first wife's family. I don't think that they were happy that I started dating less than a year after their sister passed. I think that seeing me reminds them of their loss and it's always a bit uncomfortable so I try to keep these visits to a minimum for everyone's sake. Anyway I thank you again for your comments and suggestions. Married Widower 52

I feel that anyone who is in a marriage, regardless if it is the first, second or so on, should give all their attention to that present marriage and the present spouse and let the past lie in peace. True, the past is part of who one is today, but the present and future is what is imperative to a marriage. Each partner must do what they can to let their spouse know who is the most important person in their life.

Blessings to you and I wish you well.