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Joined: Feb 2009
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I am 27 years old and have been officially dating a 36 year old separated man for 5 months, but we have been together every single day for about 9.5 months. We have only known each other for 11 months. When I met this man (we work together - same position), it was love at first sight. He is not only very attractive to me, but is the most kind, loving, appreciative, loyal person I've ever met. He is the kind of person you'd read about in a romance novel. He is constantly complimenting me and going out of his way to do things for me. He makes me feel beautiful, strong, loved, and any other word that usually makes people want to gag when a couple is so lovey dovey together. He says that he has never known true love until me and he couldn't live without me. His family loves me and treat me like I'm one of them. We have talked about our future and that we want to get married and have our own kids (we daydream together every day about our future). SO we not only do we carpool and work together, and spend 5 out of 7 nights together, but we spend every single minute we can together and its just not enough (for either of us). So whats the problem?? Well, as I mentioned he is separated. When I met him he was still married and living in the house he shared with his wife, although they had had separate bedrooms for over 3 years and never had sex during that time. He was very confiding in me right from the beginning because like i also said it was love at first sight for each of us. He told me that he had wanted to divorce his wife of 5 years almost 3.5 years ago, but held on because of his daughter was too young (who just turned 4). My problem is that since he initiated a separation 9 months ago, it has been hell for me to deal with his past and his daughter because I just constantly think about him with his ex and how I'm gonna have to be a step mom before a mom which I do not want. I have always told myself that I did NOT want to be with someone who was previously married and definately not someone that has kids. BUT when I met him, I just can't deny that he is the one, and its forcing me to try and deal with his past to be with him. He is very understanding and I'm very open with him about my feelings and concerns and he just passionately comforts me and tries to help me deal. SO - this is what is going through my head -- He is going through a very bitter separation with his ex and his lawyer has him paying the mortgage and every bill on the now vacate house he co-owns with his ex, he has to drive 30 mins to go get his daughter to bring her home and then drive her back to her mothers every single time he sees her (right now, there is no paperwork for custody, but an agreement between lawyers until custody is arranged) which is every tuesday and every weekend. The ex does no driving, pays no bills, and has everything her way (because my boyfriends lawyer thinks he should just put up and shut up to make himself look better when everything gets to the courts) for example...she took the daughter out of her registered school and put her in one next to her new house even though he didn't want that. I just get so much anxiety that my blood boils about how much [censored] his ex is dealing and he just takes it. I especially hate that she has called the cops on him a couple times trying to get him in trouble and make him look bad for the courts - she makes up lies and even the cops tell us that she is nuts and they can see right through her. [u]To make matters worse[/u], I just can't be around his little girl without being upset, distant and not myself (to him, not his daughter - although I sometimes have to be fake to her and force myself to smile cause i know its not her fault). It instantly puts me in a bad mood and causes tifts between me and my boyfriend. She is so sweet, gives me lots of kisses and hugs, tells me she loves me, gets excited to see me and always askes her father where I am when Im not there. Which is the point...I'm barely there. I avoid seeing my boyfriend when he has her even though its killing me to be away from him unless there is a birthday party or some other family function, which i'll suck it up, but watch the clock to get going as soon as i can. She even told me herself that she never gets to see me for long. She has done nothing wrong, but I still just can't get over being mad that my boyfriend has a child. I'm just mad and frustrated that he is so good to me and I want to be with him, but I can't stop thinking about him with his ex and also him having a child. What is wrong with me? I realize the problem is soley me. I'm just praying that when all the divorce and custody stuff is finished that things will be better, less stressful and I can finally move on with my life with him......is that unrealistic?

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Hi,
Just a quick thought from me...though I do wish you the best of luck, I'm not sure it will really ever be better because until his child turns 18 (or beyond) the ex will continue to be a part of his life in some form or fashion whether or not you two ever get married...they have a child together.
Please think long and hard before you make any rash decisions.
Best of luck to you!!!


Dianne Walker

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The sense I'm getting is, and just try this on smile take whatever works...it's just a sense.

Anyway, when I read this it feels that it's not so much he has a child that's bothering you. Although it may seem like that (it would to me anyway) I'm wondering if, since his being away is really cutting into your soul, if it isn't that his child (having to take up more of his time than when he's with you alone) isn't reflective of the deeper issue of his not "being there" full-time, as both of you wish for it to be.

Dianne, too, has a good point. Ex's, when everything is said and done and one or the other moves on, it kind of turns the tables on the spouse that hasn't found new love. They're usually going to find more things to complain about or infiltrate somehow the other ex-spouses new relationship than being at peace with moving on. It's a bumpy road.

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Elleise
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Last edited by Eleise - Clairvoyance; 02/10/09 10:43 PM.

Karen Elleise
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