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#491473 02/06/09 12:54 PM
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Tuey, I'm sorry. You sound like you are really hurting. And quite honestly I don't believe you hate your step-daughter, because if you did, all this wouldn't bother you so much.

You have the triple dose:
16
stepchild
daughter

You are talking raging hormones, that beyond annoying child/adult thing (because they cn't decie which they want to be yet deep down), and divided loyalties. She can't take it out on Mom and Dad - so who gets it? Yep. You are the safest target, because it is not going to hurt her so much if she alienates you.

The best thing I can think of to do is to be as "numb" as you can when dealing with her. This is going to sound kind of crazy, but treat her the way you would a bully or a preschooler throwing a tantrum, calmly. Not necessarily ignoring her, but never rising to the bait. You are going to get angry, but don't let her see it - go scream into a pillow, get a punching bag, take up running or yoga.

She is trying to push your buttons. If she sees that she cannot get to you, then she might start to settle down some.

I wish I could offer you guarantees, but that's the problem with kids - they change!

Hang in there.

Find something that will help you destress


Michelle Taylor
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Thanks for your quick reply. I know that making that statemet would shock a few people, but that is how I really feel inside. I am not good with confrontation, I am quite a closed intraspective person and I do not trust easily. There have been so many times where either me or my partner have been played off against her mother. Of coulrse the mum loves to hear negative stuff about us - particularly about me and feeds it, however, after so many years, and after previously telling her how this makes me feel, she keeps doing it. Usually after she has been told she cant have or do something (which is rare because she IS spoilt!). I am seriously twisted now. I can't look at her when she talks to me, I'm not intersted in what she has to say and I leave the room rather than be left alone with her. I wasn't like this before - I feel I am going mad, but whilst I do, she is thriving and fooling people. How paranoid am I??! Because of the way she is, I know she is going to be hugely successful in whatever she does, however, I think her relationships are going to be stormy because of her selfishness. I am pleased for her, but this is tinged with something else, because I hate the way she gets what she wants, often through lying or acting. I dread to think what she might be saying about me to her mum and friends, and the thought is making me worse in the way I act.

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Tuey: You may not be competing with her, but she is definitely competing with you. "She is a great attention seeker, either through creating unnecessary drama, talking loudly about nothing, or just constantly changing subjects back onto her." "She does all the cutting me out of the conversation, grabbing her dads hand, even standing in front of me when talking to people, but I dont react - i just walk away. (But I am seething!!!)"

You don't say how old your sons are, and you don't mention how much individual time each child gets with each parent - not just you with your children, but your partner with your children and you with his children. You don't say how the boys get along with your partner, and if they're buddy-buddy or not. Sometimes teens do things for the same reasons adults do them; she's "a great attention seeker." Maybe that means she needs some specific kinds of attention, from your partner and from you. Walking away doesn't help you or her. "He drew a circle that shut me out Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout But love and I had the wit to win; We drew a circle that took him in." - Edwin Markham

Divorce and re-partnering can really freak kids out; they see people leaving, and they understand they can be left, too. "Partnering" is something they can see as temporary, since it leaves an easy out for the partners, and her mother's behavior and changes are not calculated to make her feel secure. Maybe the fears she had in the beginning have become ingrained, and she is suffering anxiety - a physical problem, remember - and engages in this habitual behavior now. Grouping, nesting, focus center, etc., are all expressions of behavior in traumatized children - and adults. You "never felt comfortable" around her, and she probably recognized your discomfort - and heaven knows what ideas she got from it, but probably nothing that induced security. So she gathers her friends; constantly seeks attention; and attacks [sometimes subtly] her source of unease.

Kids have a weird way of taking blame and fear from changes in their adults' worlds. And I'm sure you know what happens. Just like adults do, they become defensive, but they don't think it out. There are some good books out there on children, divorce, grief, etc., and I think it would help if you took a look at them. You need to know exactly where she is, before you can begin to move her along.

Also, I see your frustration, anger, and pain in this; it can't help you to feel like a good parent when you're on the receiving end, and you can't seem to find a way through this difficult patch. You have become sensitized to her behavior, just like some people become sensitized - and allergic - to bee stings. But the only way to change her behavior is to change your behavior - and your attitude, once you get down to the nitty-gritty on both of you. Pick a start-over point, and get some counseling if it will help you. Then use your people and marketing skills to move both of you to a new place in this relationship. Figure out what her needs are and make sure they are met; then you won't feel so bad, and her behavior will improve.

Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon did a great film about stepparenting in 1998-9, and it's rentable. STEPMOM gives some insight that might be helpful, at least in management, although her opposite number, the ex- might not be as virulent as yours seems to be. Good luck, and good parenting!


Katie Thomas, Pediatrics Editor
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I'm sorry you're going through this.

Everyone here has offered great advice, here's mine, short and sweet.

You're not required to like her, love her, or anything. You are only required to be decent to her, which you are. She is also not required to love you, like you or anything but she should be required to behave respectfully towards you as an adult in her life.

The husband and the wife have to form a united front for the sake of the children, and the sake of the marriage which should always be first, before the kids.

Can you and your husband get some counseling to help you do this. Once you and he become more united, NOT picking out things with each other's kids, and competing in that way, you'll find you have a lot more harmony within the family unit, even if everyone doesn't like each other.

These kids are all going to be grown and gone and some point but you and your husband will be alone, and that is why that relationship must be first.

Best to you and yours.


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Hi Tuey- my take is a little different. I think she is screaming out for love- thats why she threatens to go live with her mom. Ever hear the saying - even negative attention is still attention? Same thing - I think you should sit down and talk to her. Tell her you would like for the two of you to have a better relationship and have really come to care about her- make yourself an ally. We spend too much time trying to figure out how to deal with difficult behaviors- the best way is to work with them rather than against them.

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Hi Tuey, Sorry, this is going to be long but I had to get on my soap box regarding this issue. I hope this will help. I to have a stepdaughter (almost 15). I have been on so many sites regarding issues with blended families and the one true thing I have discovered are most biological parents are WIMPS. Before everyone wants to criticize me regarding this issue I need to inform you I have (4) biological children of my own. I have (2) girls and (2) boys age ranging from 9 years to 25 years old. Most of my older kid's lives I was a single mom. I have worked no more than (3) jobs at a time and no less than approx. 15 to 16 hour days at least 6 days a week for years. Then I remarried current hubby and only worked one full time job and went to college at night where I maintained a 4.0 GPA, I was named to the Dean's list twice in less than a 2 year time frame and was even called to the Dean's office to be commended for my academic success, my leadership and guidance with my peers. I also have (4) biological grandchildren and have taken care of a multitude of other children most of my life. I have actively sought out other avenues over the years on how to be a better parent. By the way I am only 44 years old. I was not trying to ring my own bell. I just wanted to make everyone aware if I had not been brought up to be disciplined, to respect my elders and to not question authority I could not have done the things I have written of here. Because you see I passed these traits on to my children making it possible for me to move forward. Unfortunately, this day and age every "excuse" is acceptable for a child to misbehave and be disrespectful. We had to face consequences if we were bad especially to an adult. My kid's did not give me excuses. Did I feel guilty or heartbroken about what my older kids missed out on? Absolutely! But does that give them the right to be rude, obnoxious or down right mean to other people? Absolutely NOT! I did not grow up in the best enviroment in the world but am I a product of my enviroment or am I accountable for my own actions and can I choose my own path? I think you know the answer here. Back to the stepdaughter issue. I needed everyone to see I do know what I am talking about even if you do not agree. As I said I have a SD she is almost 15. She has lived with us since she has been 8. I believe all kids are created equal. I treated her with as much love, kindness and generosity as I did my own kids. I made no difference in anyway other than trying to enforce any type of disciplinary actions. Even though her mom basically dropped completely out of her life by the time she was approx. 10 or 11 except for an occasional phone call or visit she still was not that big of a figure in her life. Her dad, my hubby, even though he lives under the same roof might as well be on Mars. Needless to say I would not use the term parent to describe either. I have raised my SD from 8 years old until now. There is alot to be said about formative years. (SD did not have any real positive influences or structure). My mother-in-law thanked me for what I had done for my SD. This child for a lack of a better word was a "brat". No, she was not crying out for love she got that in abundance with mommy and daddy. She was an only child. Her grandparents spoiled her beyond belief. I have never hated a kid before in my life but I hated her. If she didn't get her way when she came to live with us trust me she made daddy pay attention and everyone around her paid for it. Then he and I would end up in an argument. He thought I was suppose to cater to her every whim. She was (still is) a very mean and abusive individual. From 8 years old through 11 years old I did everything in my power to get this child in control. I was the adult. I nurtured, I loved, I gave patience even when I had none. I went through all the arguements with my hubby regarding this child and trust me these were not pretty. Yes, I could have left and I may still but I thought SD deserved someone to fight for her. Well, long story short, I took her to all the doctors, dentist, ortho, school appointments, etc. I've been the one to help with homework, friend outings, overnight parties, you get the picture she got to do these things because I made sure they happened. I did not over indulge this child she had to earn her right to do this stuff. This still has not been an easy road. I had to do it alone even with bio dad under the same roof. He constantly undermined my authority to my SD. He has a double standard for our daughters. My 9 year old cannot make a mistake or he is all over her. Before he says anything to his daughter, my SD, he will leave the room or just ignore it. His only contribution was to take SD's side on everything and you got it excuse her bad behavior. Bottom line is her mom moved back last summer within 5 miles of our home. SD's formative years were all about getting what you want no matter what. Guess what all these years neither bio parent or grandparent has every demanded respect. They have given her everything and now that mom is close you should see how she plays/manipulates and lies to everyone to get what she wants. She basically has stopped communicating with me completely because she knows I know what she is doing. So do I think she is crying out for love? Not on your life. She knows exactly what she is doing and guess what it is working with them. I've seen the little notes she passes to her friends about getting what she wants even if she has to cry. Tuey, believe me, your SD is playing everyone that will allow her. Don't give her that power. Don't feel guilty because you think society will view you as some kind of a monster you are not. Liberal and lazy parenting is turning out a society full of monsters with excuses. Go to a few schools see what is in attendence especially high schools. Look at all the school shootings or violence. Yea, I know poor little things were not loved...they have cars, computers, ipods, swank homes, money to burn, never been held accountable for anything....yea looks like hate to me. Candy coat it however you want the only thing wrong with most, not all, of these kids is they are the product of the "ME" society. They have this overwhelming sense of entitlement and they will get what they want no matter what. Parents need to take the power back. Parents and professionals need to stop making excuses for bad behavior and disrespect. Trust me I have been every age from birth to 44. At 13, 14, 15 etc. when I had my own little pity party (silently of course) looking back did I feel unloved? NO! Did I feel like my parents were being mean to me? NO! Even if I did feel slighted for what ever reason it never gave me the right to be a lying, manipulative, disrespectful brat. I knew, just like these kids do, what was going on, but I was held accountable for my actions. These kids today are not! Trust me all kids go through stages of feeling alienated but it is your duty as a parent to be a parent first then a friend when your child has grown to an adult. Loving should not have to hurt anyone but what is going on with parents today is children rule. One more thing. I am sick of hearing, no matter what age, "well they are just kids". Get real even dogs are taught obedience and they don't hate us they love us.

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Tuey - I definitely don't judge you for sharing your feelings. I understand completely. While I may not be able to offer advice, it may help you to know that you are not alone. My situation is very similar to yours in that I am a somewhat introverted person, with a very dramatic, outspoken 13 year-old stepdaughter who just loves to be the center of attention. I feel that part of my resentment towards her lies in the fact that as a child I did not try to draw attention to myself, but did want attention from my father. My SD does everything she can to get my husband's attention, and she does it successfully. Also, I have never been drawn to people like her, so it goes beyond just a step-parent issue. It's a personality issue. I don't think there is any solution. My husband and I have two young children and I am committed to not letting them become stepchildren in the future. I hope the situation with SD gets better. Please let me know if you find anything that works for you. Good luck.

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Originally Posted By: Stephanie L Watson
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Everyone here has offered great advice, here's mine, short and sweet.

You're not required to like her, love her, or anything. You are only required to be decent to her, which you are. She is also not required to love you, like you or anything but she should be required to behave respectfully towards you as an adult in her life.

The husband and the wife have to form a united front for the sake of the children, and the sake of the marriage which should always be first, before the kids.

Can you and your husband get some counseling to help you do this. Once you and he become more united, NOT picking out things with each other's kids, and competing in that way, you'll find you have a lot more harmony within the family unit, even if everyone doesn't like each other.

These kids are all going to be grown and gone and some point but you and your husband will be alone, and that is why that relationship must be first.

Best to you and yours.


Tuey, I agree with Stephanie. Step-daughters come into a new family group with the feeling that they now have strong competition for their father's love - another woman is now in the picture and the SD is usually feeling a little shoved aside before she even finds out what the new 'Mom' is like.

It is not easy for the step-mom to step into this role. I truly hope all works out well. It will take time, maybe longer than you think, but, some day it will be ok - maybe not ever perfect, but acceptable and respectable.

Best wishes to you.


Walk in Peace and Harmony.
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AMEN SISTER!!!! You hit it dead bang...I will say however, that Stephanie's suggestion is/wld be my first attempt at rectification. After having tried that, honesty is the best policy, and I am not against a dose of tough love. My story is identical to yours with the exception that my SD is actually a SS. He is only 10 and his manipulation is quiet and subtle. Yet his attitude is stark and fierce...He plays the sweet innocent role all to well when it is needed. My take with him initially was to befriend, with an understanding of the respect I deserved. The first year was better than expected. Then when I new it was long term and for life...I slowly began the transition. Its been 5 years and only until the talks of him moving in with us were looking to be more realistic, did he begin this defiant path. He moved in with us full time coming up a year ago. Prior to that he was in our home at least 50 % of a month between weekends and extra time his mother was passing up to, shall we say..."cater to her social life" to put it mildly. Point being, in the time preceding his move in, he well new the routine and expectations of our house ("Ours" being My 2 kids, my hubby, our 8 month old and myself). Over the past 5 months things have increasingly grew in animosity. 1 fight a month turned 1 fight every couple weeks, to every week, to every day to 3 times a day. The topic was always his son and his defiance and his disrespect. I saw into him (SS) like nothing he ever knew possible and it has scared him. I agree with You TLC 509, kids are no longer taught accountability. Or respect for others, they don't even think befoer they speak or do. Now a days people are to scared to discipline their children or to be remotely honest with them about there actions and reactions, only because society has turned it into this evil action. They have actually created the perspective that good parenting is equivalent the acts of criminals. I think the law has been so miscued in so many situations that we now have began to believe it's justifiable. To think I am only 31 yrs old. It's unfortunate to think that tomorrows leaders are not the product of the time when integrity and honesty were not more important than political correctness or greed. It sincerely concerns me that this is how we think we need to parent. If I'm 31...it REALLY was not that long ago when parenting still had a place in the home. Only the past 15 years have taken the gradual decline. We went from parents having a presence to the parents being nothing more than bi-standing babysitters. I'll tell you, now that my children ( all 4 of them 12, 10, 7 and 8 months + 2 nieces and a nephew)will know their place, their role and the proper way to conduct them selfs..they will also know self respect and worth and they will know they are loved. All while knowing full well that if they cross me...LOL! I am a mother and wife first and I love my family more than anything. I give my self everyday, I sacrifice my shower, I eat my dinner cold and last happily, I function off of 4 hours of sleep proudly and I live in my kitchen 6-8 hours a day because knowing my babies bellies are full of home cooked non-prefabbed food is ONE OF the rewards I wake everyday for. But I will not be undermined, question, back talked to, or lowered in superiority for anyone who is not either an adult or coming of age. I ensure my kids know their role while knowing they are loved. I am fair and equal across the board, weather the child is his mine or ours... Needless to say Tuey, try and find a happy medium, as ironic and condescending as that may sound. I know it's not easy, but try not to let the competition to continue, I agree that you shouldn't let her see she is getting to you in any way. Dr. Phil said it best " never let them win" if you're going to pick a battle with a child, be sure it's a battle you can surely beat them at" OR they will they will continue to make efforts at the fight. One taste of defeat makes them hungry for more. Same is true with consistency and discipline. Don't make threats make promises. Most of all - Hang in there talk it out with who ever will listen. If possible see a professional. It may help to get some coping mechanisms and some venting time. An objective perspective, or just a fresh perspective should always be welcomed in any form...even just keeping in touch here could prove beneficial. Maybe help you keep some emotional buffer form you and home. I empathize and I will check back regularly to see where you're at with this. I'd love to know what has worked for people.

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