Lassie, I am truly sorry you have to deal with the wicked witch. Your husband is deluded. It is obvious that you love him but, I sense that his daughter is straining your relationship. I hope you can find a way to snap him out of her spell. I feel sorry for your situation as well as my own. We love our husbands but, will be forever trapped in an unhealthy relationship with our stepdaughters. Sometimes I feel like my stepdaughter is truly evil or possed by an unholy demon. Your stepdaughter sounds like mine all grown up. I feel horrible but I dread a future with her. Sometimes I actually have nightmares about her. Even my husband has nightmares about her being evil to me. It has gotten to the point where even the mention of her name puts me in a rotten mood. I hope and pray that she'll end up in her mother's custody again. I can't beleive your stepdaughter is a nurse!!! She sounds like a real [censored]. I hope your kids don't get left out of the will.

Dear Frustrated Stepmothers,
There are a few ways to go with this issue, but I know it's natural and the toughest thing you'll ever have to do.

Two things as starters: This isn't forever. Stepchildren grow up, they really do leave and make their own families.

Also: Forgive yourself at the same time you open to less anxiety-driven behaviors. I know when I became a stepmother it was as if I didn't even know the person I'd become...the kind of person who had these negative thoughts.

So first has to come the love and care of yourself. Second does have to be a re-focus...or you can end up having a very unpleasant marriage. This is not to judge. I used to nastily refer to myself as the "chauffer."

Barbara, you are SO right. Being a step parent isnt' exactly forever, although as the kids grow up, you still have to deal with weddings, babies and all those family things so if you don't have a decent relationship, those events can be a trial for everyone.

BUT the kids do grow up and sometimes they see things differently as they get older and have kids of their own. I fought for years with my one stepdaughter (and as you say, I didn't recognize the person I became during that time either) but now she tells her husband and mother-in-law the most wonderful things about me and how hard it was for me to put up with her. She remembers the good I did and not so much the bad.

Grandchildren are a great healer too. I've very close to my grandchildren and the step daughters all want it that way too.

So time does heal some things and makes the relationships better but you have to learn to forgive-both them and yourself.

I feel your pain!! I have a SD that is so awful. The past couple of years I have become convinced she is truly a narcissist, or a sociopath. She fits the definitions of both. She has no feelings of sympathy, empathy or compassion. I truly don't think she loves anyone but herself, not even her dad, my hubby. He is her security blanket. He supports her financially and he takes all of her abuse. She was 8 when we got married, she is now 20. She still lives at home and told me recently that she has NO plans of EVER moving out, so don't tell me they all eventually leave. Her mom is a bar hopper, going from man to man and basically only saw SD for occasional dinner, etc. But she has always called our home, harassing us. Always told SD she doesn't have to listen to me, told her how mean dad was if he ever tried to discipline her. I was the one feeding her, buying her clothes, taking her to school and sports, planning birthday parties (which Mom did not bother to attend). I never missed a soccer or basketball game. I even had her in the delivery room with me so she would feel included in the birth of my daughter. I loved her like she was mine and tried to do everything and give her everything she didn't get from her real mom. I never said anything bad about her mom, or tried to replace her mom, I tried to be a friend. I always got hatefulness in return. I tried to be the adult and overlook it, giving her the benefit of the doubt. I tried to understand the normal psychology of the changed family, etc. but at some point she should have accepted me and begun to treat me as a friend. She's always treated me as the enemy, that isn't normal. I had always told myself to just hang on until she went to college. Well, she decided to stay at home and go to the very small local college. We are pretty stable financially and she could have gone to ANY school. She will begin her 3rd year of college in a few weeks. She takes the minimum hours, she doesn't work, she doesn't do ANYTING around the house. During the summer she and her boyfriend lay on the couch or out in the pool and make out all day. She has absolutely NO RESPECT for anyone. She treats her dad like dirt, yells at him, has tantrums. When he finally reaches his limit and talks to her the way he should she cries uncontrollably and makes him feel like he is being mean, then he backs down and nothing changes. When he suggested she get a job you would have thought it was the end of the world, she put on such a pitiful show. She treats me with unbridled hatred when dad's not home, then acts like Miss Manners toward me when he's around. I also have a 7yo daughter. SD treats her the same, yells at her or ignores her when dad isn't home, then runs into the playroom and pretends to play with her when she hears his car. She finally stopped back-talking to me a couple of years ago when I told her I had recorded her and was going to play it for dad. There were also a couple of incidences when my little one repeated SD's bad words and dad knew where that came from. I could fill up pages with the unbelievable things this girl has done, she's a master manipulater and liar. Her dad always wants to believe her, I don't think he knows how to deal with the truth. He won't make her leave. He's scared of what kind of trouble she would end up in. I am hoping he encourages her to move out when she graduates fom college in 2 or 3 more years, if I suggest it she will fight to stay. She intentionally puts a strain on our family, and does not intend to stop. She makes no secret that her goal is to split us up or just to hurt me and daughter. Dad just doesnt want to see it. We can't even take trips without her, she starts her "poor little me" act and my husband won't leave her at home. So my daughter is getting cheated out of school breaks because they aren't the same as the college breaks. I could go on and on...Thanks for listening. It helps to vent when there is nothing else.

she has him wrapped around her finger which is sad. i do hope he will remember the other children. maybe you and him need to have a long talk about whats going on. i wish you luck.

i am step mom to a boy and girl. they are both married, and have children . the girl doesn't live near us but the son does, and his wife and i had problems at the beginning, but we have grown to love each other and i love having them over. they have a 6yr old and a 11 month old and she is pregnant, and i am so excited as it may be a boy. the boy is so grown and handsome and she is so beautiful . i am glad i made every effort to get to know her, as she is a lovely person. sometimes you have to make the effort first and good will come out of it.

I am a stepmom too, and it is a relief to hear other women in this situation feeling the same way. I think the thing is not that we really HATE our step-kids, it's that we don't allow ourselves to feel these feelings, and no-one else does either. It is HARD being a step-parent, taking on a child who, in most cases wants nothing to do with you, resents the relationship you have with their dad, and neither of you have any choice about it. Taking care of any child is a lot of work and sacrifice, but with biological children we have the benefit of a bond, no such luck with step kids. Then there is no thanks, not from the kid, their other parent, and the dad usually doesn't realize or appreciate how difficult it can be. On top of all that we don't ever want to admit that we don't like all of this, because then we will feel guilty and like we are not good people. All of this builds up and resentment forms for the kid. The more hurt we feel, the more we resent, the more the kid picks up on it and reflects it back. My 6 year old step-son is more than a handful. I could go on about his behavior, but I probably wouldn't be able to stop. His dad and I have had a rocky relationship, mostly because of parenting issues, and I know this does not help. I also find that a lot of pro advice on step-parenting is not helpful, because it never seems to allow for the step parent to have normal feelings of frustration, or resentment, and it always seems to assume that you and the other parent are able to agree and support each other on everything. I think that reading these posts have helped me more than anything because i suddenly realized that i am not the only stepmom to feel like they hate their stepchild, and i am not the only step-mom who can't agree with their partner about parenting. Just that made me feel better, and better about my SS too. It isn't easy for him either, and I need to remember that.

Hi Everyone Is there a way to write PRIVATE MESSAGES! I would like to respond to some of these posts. Please explain clearly as I am techno challenged. I need SUPPORT for step daughter TROUBLE. I am starting a new business on MONDAY and I am obsessed with my SD! she is now 23 and lives with her MOTHER (thank god) she lived with me for a few years and I have a 7 year old son (almost like KJB). She was wicked as a teen and I tried to "tolerate" it and be kind to her. I do believe that she has a mental illness BPD or NPD because I have known her for 8 years and she still does not like me despite what I try to do for her. She is pleasant and I feel grateful for this. She works for her Father in his medical office only 3 days per week at age 23 and she STILL pays her $1500 per month of "child support" because she is taking ONE class in grad school!! She comes to work at 11am because she cannot "handle" the mornings. My husband and I do have some income but he has NO savings. If he died tomorrow the SD would have no job and no real education. Her mother enables this crazy behavior and she has no money and lives on alimony still after 10 years! It gets weirder: the SD has a 26 year old boyfriend who also lives with his "mommy". They have been dating for 7 years and and they are NOT engaged. He is rude and lives off of my husband and expects things. i am truly NOT kidding that he is paying for BOTH OF THEM to go on a first class trip to DISNEY in 2 weeks. I refuse to go. My 7 year old was given the option and wants to do something wiht me closer to home. My husband showers BOTH of them with trips, clothing, money and does not give a [censored] what I think and has "forbid me" to talk about it. If Dr. Phil saw this he would freak out. My husband is generous with me and my son and he has allowed me to set up a college fund and a separate savings for myself and also to pay off our mortage -t herefore, we are taken care of. What concerns me is the dependence of these two ADULTS and their manipluation. My husband is 61 years old and they do noT care about him. The SD lies about going to grad school simply to get her support "check" from daddy. She has started 3 degrees and will NOT completely anything and the BF will NOT WORK! It is creepy. We have a high functioning medical spa and office and everything thinks it is bizarre - the PINK elephant in the room. She is rude to customers, looks dishevelled and so does the BF. My managers complain about it all fo the time but my husband will NOT stop the MONEY which is the problem. She needs to get a real job and go to grad school and move on. I am sooo angry about how he will not do anything about it and he is draining his own retirement account for these deadbeat moochers - sorry but that is what it is. he is now planning ANOTHER trip with his daughter to california and I was NOT invited. We are on the brink of divorce and it is basically like the 'other woman". He does not see it and he is a NARCISSIST too. I have some good things with my husband and i am still attached to him and frankly, if we divorce I wilL STILL have to deal with her and the BF at events and also his narcissism. It will not solve the problem. I have said NOTHING for the past year and they are blissfully in DENIAL. Our business manager thinks it is crazy and harmful to the two young adults. So does everyone. I know taht people should talk about things in a marriage but most men seem NOT to be able to do so. Should I really just BLOCK IT OUT and let him blow 50K plus on these two per year and go down himself? any ideas!! thanks Sarah

Make a really special meal, and poison the lot of them.....your suppose to laugh now. It's a hard life when you have people making it even worst. You married your husband with baggage but not with this amount. If no one is taking anything you say into account then go, divorce him, tell him you've had enough, let then sort themselves out. When he's old and drawing his pension, these 2 lay-a-bouts can look after him. You go, wipe your hands of them, but if you want to keep seeing your husband, you can! He can visit. Just because you separate doesn't mean you can't " date ". BUT, you don't have the s..t with it.Make him thing long and hard......

Tuey I know just what you're going through. You probably feel like a normal healthy productive moral person when you are dealing with normal life. But face to face with your SD you find yourself reverting back to junior high mean girls attitude. She just brings it out in you right? I have a seven year old SD, I've been in her life since she was a almost two. She constantly reminds me im not her real mother and tells strangers im her stepmother when they assume different. She won't allow affection between her father and me( we've basically stopped trying). She calls her father her husband. He makes matters worse by thinking everything she does is angelic and cute. This little girl is so beyond her years, I caught her masturbating at age 3. It is a constant power struggle, she is sarcastic, talks back, completely ignores and belittles me. There are so many times when I tell myself what a terrible person I am because I hate her so much. But throughout this all with the exception of a couple immature outbursts on my part, I have stayed level and constant with her, I am fair, and as loving as I can be with her. There are days when I know she appreciates this and loves me back..it is always everchanging