...in the last year and a half or so. She just lost her most recent job, having moved to another state to take the job and having been there for eight days.

The thing is, she's good at her job (she's a vet tech), but she has *no* people skills. I mean none. Even when she is trying to be friendly, she's really off-putting because she tends to have a very loud voice, and she often doesn't let people finish talking before she starts to respond. When she wants to know something, she is kind of insistent about it - doesn't seem to catch the cues to back off and wait a bit. But she's very nice and very friendly - it's not that she's bitchy or angry or snappy. I met her at work myself, so I know what she acts like and it's not all that bad - it's just something you sort of adjust to. (well, I adjusted. other people didn't and she got fired) I suspect she's probably somewhere on the autism spectrum, since she seems to be a lot like people I know who have Asperger's.

The question I have is - what should I say, or do, if anything? The last several times she's gotten fired, she's asked me outright what I thought the problem was. Her employers never tell her anything other than "It's not working out" or something similar. Having worked with her, I know exactly why she keeps getting fired... but how can I tell her that? I mean, it's not like she can really do anything about her personality, is there? I think that she really does want advice or help from me, but I have no idea what to say.

Hi Mary Ellen,
You're right, that is a sticky situation to be in and my heart goes out to you and her. I definitely applaud you for wanting to help your friend. There are 2 ways for me to answer this both as an HR person which I am and then if I was that person's friend.
The HR person would ask if you're SURE that's why she was released? If you are then...
People will always want to know why they were terminated or not promoted, but sometimes they don't realize that it's actually something that they're doing that's not quite right.

What I usually do is ask some questions to see where their mind is at, for example:
-Why they thought the situation happened.
Then based on that, I would eventually get to...
-Is there something that they could have done to prevented the situation.
-If they're still not getting it...I will pull out the big guns... sometimes you can come across as ...and that may have resulted in....
I would definitely give them examples of what I was trying to point out and then let them present their side. I might say "well what do you think would have happened if you tried x y z" or say "next time this happens try this". These conversations last awhile though.
The problem is if they don't recognize or acknowledge that they may have flaws, it's almost a "no-win" situation. Every time they want to blame someone else you need to bring it back around to them. "Let's not talk about them for right now, let's talk about changes YOU can make."

Now as a friend, it's much, much more difficult, but you can have almost the same conversation, but be prepared that she may take it very personally and the friendship may end even though she asked for your opinion. She may not be ready for tough love.

You're right, you can not change someone's personality, but you may open their eyes to see something they may not be seeing and they may change once it's brought to their attention.

Sometimes when talking to a loud person, I purposely lower my voice so that they will follow suite. But it's not a permanent change.

It's tough working in a small office because if there is a stronger need for the team to gel and someone doesn't fit in they will probably be let go. It's especially hard if there are mitigating circumstances. I will admit my knowledge of autism is limited, but I do have employees that are challenged in a variety of areas, and they work really well under one supervisor and not so much under another supervisor. It's all about finding a fit. Sometimes, people end up getting terminated a LOT until they find an organization that is a fit. She may need to apply to larger vet clinics (if there is such a thing).
Now...none of this is assuming that she may have been wrongfully terminated, that's an entirely different subject.
I've probably typed more then you wanted to know. Sorry to be so long winded.
Let me know if this doesn't make sense.
BEST of luck to you and your friend. If you wouldn't mind, keep us posted on how it goes.

Diane, thanks so much for your advice! It wasn't longwinded at all. My friend got another job today, so we'll see how it goes. It was a circumstance that has happened to her before, where her personality worked in her favor. She went in for an interview, the clinic was really busy, and she just threw herself in there and went to work instead of actually 'interviewing'. Since she is very hardworking and good at her job, they hired her on the spot.

I'm seeing some danger signs already, though, and your advice is helping me to try and get things off on the right foot for her. She told me that she assisted a surgery and it was really busy and she was worried that people were annoyed at her because she didn't know where everything was in the hospital. I've seen this happen before, and suspect that if people were annoyed, it was because she was constantly asking where things were and getting in the way trying to get to things. so based on what you said, I asked her if maybe it would be easier to let people who had been there longer get stuff and just watch where it came from, at least until she had had some quiet time in the surgery suite to explore and learn where things were kept. She said that she was worried that they would think she was lazy if she did that, and I didn't really know what to say to that, other than I thought that it was sometimes better to learn by watching than to learn by asking, especially if people were really focussed on something else.

So, we'll see. She's such a good person, truly concerned about the animals in her care, good at what she does, and she throws herself into each job with such enthusiasm and hope, it's devastating to her if it doesn't work out.

MaryEllen,
I'm so happy that she got another job!!! Your answer was absolutely PERFECT!!!
Don't worry, when you're trying to coach somebody, it takes time. They will continue to "fight" change, but you just have to keep plugging away.
She was very enthusiatic about helping, but when they were in surgery, her asking questions was probably more of a hinderance then a help. You were spot on in trying to help her understand the difference between the two.
Keep at it, if you have any questions - I'm right here.

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I know when I have been fired from a job, whether it is my fault or just politics or a personality conflict - I would only tell my daughter about it.

Part of me would be ashamed and part would be angry.

The shame for allowing it to happen as usually when there is an "issue" with a job that is not fixable - such as politics or a personality conflict - I am on my way to another job. I have found it best to make my exit on my terms - two weeks notice versus being fired. A lot easier to explain to future employers.

LOL, sometimes I would get escorted out by security before I could make my exit. Now it has been several years since I have fired. Yep, for a while there it was like I had a label on me that said "fire her"...

As I aged I began to observe my working environment and learned to keep business separate from personal. Too many times the co-workers you discussed job issues with were the ones to report your grievances to your boss

Nothing against people making friends on the job - sometimes it works. The trick is to know when it will.