BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters My daughter is cutting herself

I just found out last night that my 15 y/o daughter is cutting herself. I dont know what to do. Im divorced (for 8 yrs) I share custody with my ex. I have 2 daughters 15 & 17 and they live with me for 2 wks and their dad for 2 wks. My ex is remarried for about 7 yrs and has 2 step-daughters also. I have a very honest and close relationship with my daughters, or so I thought. I live right around the corner from my ex so the split custody doesnt disrupt the kids life too much, they still go to the same school, ride the same bus, etc.. My 15 y/o took a bath last night and I went into the bathroom after her and found a small box of things she uses to cut herself. I asked her what it was and she had a look of horror on her face and it took some coaxing for her to admit to me she was cutting herself. She's cutting herself on her stomach, not her arms where most kids do it. She begged me not to tell her dad cause he would make her talk to a "shrink". I asked her if I could get her some help like talking to a counselor or getting her on anti-depressants and she said she didnt want to do that. I thought it was my fault and she told me it wasnt me. Later last night I went to bed and my 2 daughters had a sister to sister talk. My 17 y/o told me today that 15 y/o has been doing this for quite some time and she started cutting herself on her legs and then started doing it on her stomach. She told me she was planning on stopping, she also told me that my 15 y/o blames all her problems on her step mom and one of her step sisters. Ive known for years that 15 y/o didnt like her step mom and has had problems with her. I promised my 15 y/o that I wouldnt tell her dad about this unless I found out that it happened again. She promised me she would stop. Im afraid if I dont do something she will think I dont care but she doesnt want to see a counselor or get on anti-depressants. I dont know what to do...I thought maybe I should get her involved in something. She loves tennis but I dont know if there are any indoor tennis courts here...too much snow to play outside. I thought if I try to get her involved in something that makes her happy it would help. If anyone has any advice Id love to hear it. Thanks.

She needs counseling of some sort. One of the biggest reasons kids resist it, is because they are afraid people will think they are "freaks" or because they are afraid the counselor will unearth something that they desperately don't want anyone to know about.

If she's saying that it is because of her stepmother, then that is probably not the whole reason. That is just the safe reason to give you that you might accept and be willing to stop at. Don't get me wrong - I am sure there are deep problems with her step-mom and sisters, but I doubt this is the only thing.

You can't leave this alone.

She will say she hates you, she will be angry with you - but she needs help. Cutting is a form of self-hatred. It doesn't necessarliy mean she wants to commit suicide, but it CAN turn into eating disorders, drug abuse, dangerous sexual behavior - anything that feeds into that self-loathing.

Speak with her school counselor and find out if there is anything going on there that might be relevant.

Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

I've been personally touched by this type of thing as well. I don't think you should give her a choice in the counseling. Just take her to get evaluated and see what a professional has to say. Obviously she has some issues if she is doing this to herself. The least you can do is provide her with an outlet. Signing her up for tennis isn't going to stop her cutting. The more serious you take this, the more serious she will see it. I also don't think hiding it from her other parent is an option. He deserves to know. What if something happened, she cut too deep and bled out and he found her. Is that the way he should find out? He needs to be involved in whatever process you set up for her and if she is using her relationship with her stepmom as her reason, then that again, goes back to some sort of family type counseling to deal with whatever those issues are so she can learn a healthier way to deal with them. Cutting is becoming way more "popular" for lack of a better term and there are a lot more resources out there on it now. I would look online for some additional information/reading on ideas of what to do, get some books from your local library and please, call and get some counseling for your daughter!!! You may have promised her you would not tell her dad, but unless you do full body searches, how will you know? I saw a movie about a cutter who started cutting UNDER her panty and bra areas so when her mom checked, she wouldn't see. Nothing like this should be kept from a parent who is responsible for the child and active in the child's life.

btw, feel free to privately message me. I can't really write more because this is a public forum and I don't want to write more where just anyone can find it. I'd even be happy to just let you vent or whatever to me.

Good point michelle, this is probably why she was cutting on her stomach instead of her arms in the first place.

I agree with counseling being very important in relation to this issue. And as much as she doesn't want you to tell her father you may want to ask the counselor's advice on whether this should be kept from him. In the end this is going to turn into family counseling because there may be something that is the contributing factor to why your daughter does this. I'm certain a counselor will give you advice for what will happen when in the course of therapy.

I wish you the best in this matter and hope your daughter has a positive response to counseling and perhaps medication.

My best friend was a Cutter, she would cut herself all the time just to watch it bleed. It was very scarry for a few years, she would call me crying and I new she had been cutting herself, the longer it went on the worse it got. She would always keep it hidden so know one new what was happening, but then she started cutting her arms and then she didnt care if anyone new. It got really bad and I had to call 911 many times to send Peramedics to her house. She almost lost her life because she started cutting deeper and she would watch it bleed longer to the point she would pass out. She is finally Happy and not cutting any longer, But it took a while working with her doctor to get to this point..
Your Daughter has a problem that she can not control and she can not just stop, My friend wanted to stop really bad but she couldnt until she found the right doctors to help her through it.
I had to help her through it and it was really scarry for me, A few times I thought I would walk into her house and she would not be breathing, It almost got to that point.. Please Please Please Get her some help, I know it is going to be hard, But she really needs it. You can do it. We love our kids and we can do anything to protect them. God Bless you and your Family...

just wanted to update you on my daughter. I have done a couple of "body checks" and she hasnt been cutting herself since she got caught. She seems happier too. I havent taken her to a counselor but Im not ruling out that she may still go to see one. Im giving her a chance to prove herself before I take her to a counselor. I did find out yesterday that her dad and step-mom are getting divorced. My daughter told me and I talked to her dad today and he confirmed it. Im going to talk to both my daughters after school today and see how they feel about the divorce. I wonder if my youngest daughter will be happy or hurt about it. Last night when she told me they were getting divorced she acted like she couldnt care less. Thanks to all of you for caring so much about my child. Im keeping a close eye on her, she seems to be doing very well.

She is your daughter so you have to do what you feel best, but, it has to be said that this is not something you should wait around to find out if she's being good and not cutting herself, this is a serious issue that requires professional counseling to over come. Cutters, like alcoholics, food addicts, and others who do compulsive behaviors typically do have boughts of time where they're Okay and not doing the behavior. They don't WANT to do the behavior, they have to.

Be vigilant about your body checks, but in the meantime find a counselor specializing in this issue, or find a group, she cannot do this alone, and even though you're her mom, you're not the person to help her over come this own your own.

((((hugs))))))

I don't want to cause a panic, but I do feel there is something else to be concerned about as well.

When a person that has been exhibiting self destructive behavior and depressive behavior all of the sudden seems content - this can sometimes mean that they have decided to commit suicide.

Suicide is missed many times because loved ones say, "but he/she seeme happier".

It is because the person has made the decision to take themselves oiut of a painful place and that decision gives them contentment. It is the many months of pain before that led up to the decision.

So PLEASE watch her carefully. I lost an uncle to suicide.

And I agree with Stephanie, she still needs help. But a teen is going to do anything they can to avoid that. Let her know that counseling is strictly confidential. No one has to know. But you are the mother, and she has to go. You get to make the decision about what is best for her. She is not able to right now.