BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings Need help with sister in law issues

I am hoping someone can help with suggestions on how to handle/deal with communication issues with my husband's brother & wife. My husband's brother is the sweetest man (next to my husband of course!) and comes from a very loving,sweet family. Their parents have to be some of the nicest people I have met...they will do anything for you and are very supportive and loving. Enter SIL. She comes from a divorced family (not passing judgement, alot of people are from divorced families) and seems to harbor a lot of anger towards her husband's side of the family.(US). There have been several issues over the past 10 years where she has gotten into it with the inlaws but they always forgive and try to forget the ugly things she says to them. Now there are grandchildren involved. She sends emails asking them to come down (2 hrs aways) to see soccer games and football games "because that's what grandparents do" and if they don't it's their loss!!! I can't believe, first of all, how disrespectful she is and secondly how putting it like that would make anyone want to come down and visit? The last time we went down all together for lunch, we got there at 11:30 and she was out running errands with her mom and getting groceries for lunch. They got home 2 hours later after they had gone out to eat with the food for us to cook and eat! She barely speaks to us and when she does it's very snotty and mean. Why would we want to come and visit again so soon, especially after that email???
Needless to say she has driven a HUGE wedge between my husband's brother and his family (us) and it is turning into an ugly situation. I know my brother in law must feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with little to no communication with his parents and brother. It's starting to effect my husband and I because his mom calls and reports the conversations and emails to us and is very upset, which upsets my husband.
If anyone can offers some suggestions on ways to heal this relationship I would really appreciate it. I am fresh out! Thanks for listening!

The only person who can truly mend this situation is your brother-in-law.

I know it seems like he is the one stuck in the middle (and he is) - but it sounds like he is complaining to his side of the family while NOT saying anything to his wife.

Your husband and his parents can only do so much.

The BIL needs to speak with his wife openly about how she is affecting the family. If he wants the two sides to get along, then he needs to find out why she has such a problem with in-laws. Possibly her parents divorce was "caused" by one set of in-laws. Usually this is not true, but if she were raised by her mom, who always said things like "if your Dad's parents hadn't done this..." then that might explain why she has such a deep rooted aversion. She's being defensive because she believes his family is more important than her.

In the end, SHE has to make the decision to be friendly.

I know this wasn't a great answer - but I only see the tension getting worse, otherwise.

I agree with chelle...... as at this time,your brother in law is the only person who is close to his wife. He can talk to her openly and i think if he will talk with her with love and polite manner, she will understand this.Maybe not in first talk, but eventually.If any other or you try to talk with her on this issue,may be she feel u r trying to insult her.

Well, my husband is the good example of this.

When i got married to him, his real sister was the eldest member of his family.As my husband lost his mother at the age of 6. so, for him,she is like a mother.She is 15 years elder than me and i never felt comfort talking with her and she always complained to my hubbby that i did not respect her. Truly, i m not that kind of person but from starting, i felt she is too old and i can not carry big talk with her.At starting we, had lots of fights on his issue but, then i felt my husband gave much respect(well, he gives always)and care about my father and my younger sister. I was so impressed and then i also started to think if i feel so much happy and proud that my hubby is so good that he care about my family then i must give much respect in the way as her sister wanted. Now that issue has become past. Though, my sister in law and me r not good friends but i like her company.One more thing i notice that she gives me much priority to me as compare to his brother(-my hubby) which forces me to never let her down.


Well, i don't know after reading this u will get any idea to sort out this problem but i think every problem has solution and just keep on thinking but don't get disturbed your personal life as you told your husband get upset.

I think celebrating small occasions like your kids b'day or family get together.U may ask her to gives you tips how to manage all that and start doing shopping with her which would make you possible to understand her nature.

I have to agree with the other posts which puts the ball in your brother-in-law's court. It's his wife, kids and parents and siblings so it's his responsibility to work on those relationships. If he allows his wife to run the show then that's must be what makes him happy. After all, he picked her.

I feel bad if the kids and the grandparents relationship suffers, but the brother-in-law could bring the kids to them. I'm sure everyone could have perfectly lovely visits without her if she's not willing to be part of the family. Your brother-in-law has to take a stand and he must do it all by his lonesome because he the one who is going to have to deal with the consequences. However, don't be surprised if he picks her again.

Hopefully, everyone will always make her feel welcome when she's around. It sounds like there may be other issues involved, like jealousy. If there are other grandchildren, her reactions might be because she feels as if her kids aren't getting equal treatment and time. That happens alot in families!

Until the family figures out what the real issues are, no one will be able to address them properly. Until then there's not a lot you can do except be supportive and a positive influence on the situation.