BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Boyfriend and ex still spend holidays together?

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year. He's been divorced for about two years and has two kids (11 & 14). Last year this didn't come up because our relationship was still so new, but now I'm having difficulty.

In their divorce settlement, him and his ex decided they would try to spend Thanksgiving, X-mas, and Easter together until the kids are adults. I admire that they want to do this for the kids, but I've never heard of this with other divorced couples and don't understand how it works for my relationship with him.

We were talking about Thanksgiving and if I want to be with him, I need to go to his parents' and she will be there also. And then every-other year he will be at her family's and I likely will not be invited. And that's apparently the same plan for the other holidays listed above. I feel like it's going to be uncomfortable for everyone there, especially since I've only met his family twice.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has heard of this kind of arrangement or has any suggestions. I'm only in my 20's and didn't picture this kind of situation as my future, but you can't pick who you fall in love with. I honestly feel like this is the man I want to spend my life with, but I don't know if I can handle this for at least the next 7 years.

A man I used to work with had the same arrangement with his ex-wife. They spent the mornings on Christmas with their new partners, but the rest of the day they were with each other and the kids.

He kept wondering why no woman would put up with that and he always got dumped.

I wouldn't be in an arrangement like that, and if you don't feel you can.....find a man who is single - not still married emotionally.

This arrangment many have been fine when they first broke up, but how will it be every year?

Does it give the kids and everyone else concerned hope that the two of them will get back together with this "family time"?

I've only experienced something like this one time and it was a man and woman (professional) who divorced and lived separate lives, dated other people,etc. But, they went to church the same day, same hour every sunday, spent the holidays together, had open phone communication, etc. and I was like, you guys are kind of in the "dating - long term" phase, but divorced. It didn't seem over, though they both played out that it was.

The man was interested in a friend of mine. She wanted to marry him and have kids - a family with him and I just though, how? She was very forgiving...a teacher, and really wanted to marry a doctor, which he was. So, he was established and she could see it all happening but for what would be in it for her emotionally.

The house, the cars, incomes - they were all there, but the two of them (ex- husband and wife) were also very much there.

I know I would express my feelings on the subject and personally couldn't imagine going to holidays with my ex's ex family.

It's my opinion but if he expects all of these sacrifices from you, I would at least keep an open mind that you might find this feeling with another person that is completely available to you.

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Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

This can work if everyone remains friends. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters, and of course myself. We have all had kids, some divorced etc. and how it works at holidays is everyone is welcome as long as it is all civil. For instance my x-sisterinlaw comes over every X-mas with her now husband, they have never missed it. Her husband is welcomed by my family (she was once married to my brother). You do have to set rules and once those are worked out it can work. Yes we did have to have rules, my parents house is a "no nag be nice zone" and it works. Now I personally think that you should be invited to her parents house because you are now part of the family, it can be awkward at first but eventually everyone will get use to each other.

In my situation, we do this also. On chistmas we go to the parent who's christmas morning it is and watch the children open presents both and then go back and do our own thing. My new husband always goes with my and my x husband's girlfriend is always there. We have decided for a new hours we can intermingle as a group for the children's best interests.

bam, welcome to the forum, we hope that you enjoy your stay!
Rosie

Hi Seasonal:

The question isn't if this is right or wrong. There is no right or wrong to it.. it just is. It is just how they decided to do it. You are not going to change that. it has nothing to do with you and was decided before you came along. The only question you can ask yourself is: "Is this acceptable to me?."
If your answer to that is no, then it wouldn't be fair to stay in the relationship, because you will always hold resentment and bitterness about it.
If your answer is yes, it is acceptable to you, then jump in, give it all you've got with no resentment and no complaining later.
This is only a problem if you see it as one, but you have every right to decide what is acceptable to you and what isn't. If it isn't acceptable to you,you can't ask everyone else to change in order to make it acceptable. You have to either take the situation the way it is, or walk away from it.
We can't control other peoples lives or ask them to change in order to make us happy. We have to make ourselves happy. We do that by knowing what we want in our lives and what we don't,and making our own decisions about that.

Bylen