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HI there, i've been having an issue with my husband of 5 years (2nd marriage). I was married the first time for 12 years (3 kids) been divorced for 10....my husband came into this marriage as a first for him - i came with baggage - isses with my past marriage etc....and to be honest i didn't want to get married a second time. I think back now and wonder why i did. I don't think it would've been different had we just lived together...the issues are the same.

My problem - when i met my husband - i was going thru a very messy divorce -trying to juggle parenting - support non-payment - jobs - sports etc. I told him then the main people in my life were my kids (he's never been married or has any kids). We dated for a short time before he moved into my house. But again - i was starting all over. He started buying me things - and i was grateful - sometimes paying for the kids stuff - but then we'd get into an argument and he'd bring up all the things he PAID for and what was i doing to contribute. I was working at 2 jobs - no child support -and i was trying to re-create my credit history.

Things seemed to settle -and we both decided that we wanted to work towards buying a house together. In between he bought an SUV and told me it was mine...he made the payemtns etc. I would say - let me pay for the truck - and he'd say - no - don't worry about it. Red flags should've hit me over the head then - but it didn't....so we worked hard and after 8 years we found our 'dream home' which we bought TOGETHER - both our names on the deed - he wanted to 'buy' it and i said - no - we had to do this together. He can't really throw that in my face - but he does say i don't contribute enuf to the house. A long time ago - we decided to split things down the middle. We have a joint account for our taxes/mortgages and a certain amount is automatically dep from both of us each month. BUT - every argument is the same - he says - I PAID FOR THAT - i did this - i did that - and totally discredits anything i have contributed. When the kids act disrespectful - he then yells at them that he pays for this - he pays for that. So much so that my middle son ended up going to live with his father (which isn't a good thing but i understand how he feels). My oldest is on his own so that leaves the youngest.

It's the same argument each time - how much he pays for -what he's done - its like he keeps a score of what everyone does.....even tho my first marriage failed - my ex-husband NEVER - EVER made me feel this way about money - we never had alot of it - but it was always 'ours'. I even stayed at home for 2 years with our youngest - and he never said - THIS IS MY money - the opposite - he'd give me his pay ck to pay the bills - buy the groceries etc.

I just feel like im drowning -and im so unhappy. I try to get away from it by writing/reading and doing my arts. The other problem is that i have friends (he has none) and when i make plans to see them - he makes me feel like im leaving him out. He isn't possessive at all....but its almost like he's jealous-i go and get my nails done (for me) and as i was leaving he had this look on his face like - fine - leave me here....i get so frustrated - and have asked him what he wants....and it always comes back to money.

I've tried to do things as equal as possible - but then he changes his tune and says - no i'll do that - and my mistake is i let him. Then he has something else to use against me! The one thing he does that really upsets me - is when we're arguing - then he mocks me - if i start to cry he pretends to cry etc. That makes me very angry - or he resorts to calling me names like stupid - (he's MENZA). I feel very deflated most times - but then this is what happens. We have an argument - he leaves in a huff - then when he comes back - he forgets we just had an argument and the things he's said - and wants to know why i don't want to sit and watch tv with him.

I think i know the answer - i just need advice

Hi, Irish6605. Let me first say, I'm no expert but have had friends with similar experiences and what they later found out was that their mate was unhappy and selfish.

They continue to blame themselves for not seeing the signs but for some reason, they put all the blame on themselves and over and over again,try to remedy the problem by "trying to make the mate happy". It all comes to no avail.

Try a sit down with your mate and ask if there is something bothering him (job, friend, new family...) and go from there. If he's inclined to open up, follow his lead but if he refuses and wants to remain withdrawn, then you definitely have a problem on your hand.

I thought once you're married, the "I's and me's" are out the window and its now "ours". You might wanna remind him that what he does or pays for, is for the entirety of the family. Reading your situation could make one wary of his true love for all of you. Just a thought.

He may just be dealing with pain or maybe even regret about some things. I dunno but I do suggest you relay your true feelins with humility as you converse with him and hopefully healing can begin.

Thank you Kimmie i took your advice -it wasn't easy but we sat down and discussed EVERYTHING. I found out he had trust issues because of past experiences (his last girlfriend of 6 years took everything she could from him then left him for someone else - and left him holding the bag). I didn't know the full extent of their relationship before. Also - i wasn't being completely honest with him about my own finances - but once i was - we've been able to sit down and work it out - together.

He told me he didn't realise sometimes how nasty he was - and he was sorry. We are now in counselling to work through BOTH of our baggage issues. We are starting to learn how to 'discuss' topics - and especially money. He wants to give me everything - and sometimes he doesn't feel appreciated. I realised i was taking him for granted. I wasn't listening to what he needed but i EXPECTED more from him. I wasn't being fair.

He also felt like the kids weren't being appreciative and helping out enough around 'our' house - that wasn't how he was raised -nor i. Chores needed to be allocated - and rules set.

Things are getting better - he told me that he's never loved someone as much as me - that all he ever wanted was to make sure i had everything i wanted. When i told him all i wanted was for him to trust me - and listen to me....we were on the road less travelled. Thanks - i'll keep working at it!