BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Trying to leave...

Hello, I am new to Bella, but I am in need of help/advice from sources outside of my circle of friends. I am really stuck and any advice anyone has would be fantastic!

I have been married for 3.5 years now, and although I care for my husband very much so I am not in love or love him in a wifely manner anymore. He is a great provider, friend, and on a daily basis we are cute and happy but deep down I am a bit disappointed. There are two major issues that have really affected the way I feel about my husband....the first is that he made me very important, significant promises when we first got married, then two years after we were married he told me he would not hold up those promises (not that he COULD not, but he WOULD not). I find it very disappointing that he was a man that will not hold up to his word.

The second reason I will take most of the blame for....but there is zero passion in our relationship - none. Our kissing is never anything more than a smooch on the cheek or a peck on the lips (a quick peck) and that is it. I say that this is my fault cause when we first starting dating I wasn't totally satisfied with our sex life, but I thought "hey, he just needs time to learn my body and it will get better". Despite my efforts of trying to 'spice' up our passionate lives, it has failed tremendously. We are not only lacking physical passion, but passion everywhere. I joke and say we never get into fights because none of us feel passionate enough to do so.

So, I prayed and thought, and made some wrong choices, and thought and prayed some more.....and I came up with decisions that felt right to me. This decision was to leave my home and live with me father for a while. Of course, my husband cried, 'promised' to change and do his best to make me happy. So I told him I would stay.....I just can give up on someone if they tell me they are going to try. But now I am no longer happy, I want to be on my own for a while and I want to be separated from my husband, but I can't stand to see him upset. So instead, I am suffering. But he is happy.

I just need some advice on what to do!!!! How do I give it another shot if I can't give him a chance cause I am so depressed right now?

Maybe if you get involved in some new group or activity that can take your mind off of the marriage for a short time each day, then you will be able to think more clearly on the matter. Often, when we are so involved and right in the thick of issues like this, we can no longer think about it in a productive way.

Maybe get into a yoga or other exercise group? Not only would that give you something to sidetrack your thoughts, but, also would give you the physical exercise to make your body, mind and soul come into balance and harmony.

Also, to bring harmony and balance into the situation, being in Nature (like hiking, photography, etc.) can give you that peace of mind to help you clarify issues in your life and help you decide who you are and what you want in life.

These are just some thoughts of mine that might help you.

Savannah, welcome to the forum!
Rosie

My husband and I have been married for 9 years as of this past August. We have a 4-1/2yo son who was conceived in the midst of a near-divorce. Brilliant.

I understand where you are, but I wonder if you could work this out. I mean, you've invested at least 4 years of your life into this already. Why not start with some counseling to reconcile your feelings about the promises he made and WOULD not keep? Granted, finding a good counselor might challenge you.

Second, I agree with the pp that said to find your own spirit. I found that like you--I couldn't manage to leave my husband if he promised he'd try. I realize now that I really didn't WANT to leave. We got into this cycle of me getting a foot out the door, him promising to change, me staying, him not changing and now I had an excuse to be angry with him. In reality, I was equally the problem. And leaving soon became a very empty threat. When I realized that I loved him (even though I had no clue why and seemingly no reason to) and I wasn't going to leave, life changed.

I lived life without him even though we lived together. I told him that I wasn't going to leave and we both knew it; but I wasn't going to be happy about it and cater to him either. I "got a life" so-to-speak and if I wasn't important to him, then I would make myself important to me. I wasn't a priority to him and therefore he wasn't one to me, either.

But we also got counseling. I'm not sure the counselor DID anything for us other than point out to ourselves that we were willing to get help because our marriage DID matter to us; and to get us talking to each other without biting each other's head off (at that point, it was pretty bad).

Know this: people only complain about something when they want it to change. So if you're telling him what's wrong, you want it to change--you don't want to leave. If you truly wanted to leave, you would. You wouldn't discuss all of this nonsense because you wouldn't have any interest in fixing it.

Know yourself. Learn about yourself. Then work with what you have to really figure out what you want to do.

I should add that today, our marriage is really good. And our sex life better than ever (which is subject for a whole 'nother post). I'm glad I'm still here even though I have NO issue raising a child alone. But my husband and I have come through a lot and it has made our relationship closer and deeper in a way that is hard for others to understand.

Savannah20
First off...Welcome.

We are here to offer you our thoughts on anything you wish to discuss and we hope help will come in the form of advice when you need it the most.

Second...I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have spoken with so many women who have felt the way you feel in their own relationships and while there is no fix all I do have a couple of suggestions.

1. Find yourself. Most of us at one time or another lose our identity during any seious relationship. This is due to the fact that we spend most of our time focused on another person and forget to take care of ourselves. Also once you realize who you are again you will find making decisions much easier regaurding your relationship.
2. If you find you need time and space then take time and space. Simply pack and leave without your husband knowing you've done it. Leave a letter explaining why and not to contact you but instead you will contact him in a few days (weeks) time. Be thourough in your explaination without leaving room for him to think he can sway your decision.
3. Always write down what you are feeling and why. Remove anything that does not directly have to do with your actions in any matter. (such as..I stayed because he cried.) You chose to stay regaurdless of why, the choice was yours. Your sentence should read.. I chose to stay even though I knew it would make me unhappy. Only you can make your life what you want.

If you choose to take this advice remember that in order to work through your issues without him you must be prepared to follow through with three simple rules. One...No contact until you are absolutely sure what you want and most importantly who you are. TWO...Don't go out and be crazy. This is time to work with yourself to heal not be a kid again. THREE...Write down your feelings on things and once you have made your final decision don't let anything change your mind.

Be happy, Be blessed,
Dee

Hello. I'm sorry to hear your situation. But I believe that in a relationship in takes two not just one person. I think you should both go out for a nice dinner and talk what is REALLY bothering YOU and HIM....ask yourself what did you see in him when you first met? what did you fall in love with? when couples get too comfortable the "excitement" seems to go downhill....if you leave him...what are you going to find out there?? A reason to leave or a reason to stay?? My husband and I don't fight at all so I understand what you mean when sometimes a fight would be nice. Maybe you two need to do something to get your relationship more exciting...like joining a salsa group or something that requires for both of you to participate and be a team. It seems that you still care about him so I personally think it's worth saving your marriage and find ways for BOTH of you to be happy. What promise was made that he can't live up to? (you don't have to answer that) Is it sooo important that your marriage "needs" to end?

I am not very religious myself but I know people who swear by a method that can save a marriage.

There is even a movie about it now.

You can always check it out, it's worth it after so long together.

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Hi Stephanie - so sorry to hear about your situation. My advice is - if you are not happy - with you - you can't possibly be happy with him. Often women push down our fears and how we 'feel' so as not to upset the apple cart - you know what happens - something bothers us - but rather than cause a 'scene' we seem to accept it and move on. As mothers we do the same thing. But - the root of all issues - is whether we are willing to live a life that we don't want to live - or live a life that we have - we have choices. Sometimes those aren't popular choices - and sometimes we fall....but life throws things at us for a reason. Maybe this was your 'moment' to realise what is important to you? I say this because i've been here - and going through it as we speak.

I have been married for 5 years (2nd marriage). The first one ended in divorce after 12 years and 3 affairs (of his). We have 3 children together who now are 21,18 and 15 - all boys. I left the marriage the first time. He was an alcoholic and abusive but thats not the real reason i left - i literally woke up one morning and said - i can't do this anymore. So it means i lose the house - and my life as i knew it - and there would be challenges (there were tons!) but i can do this. My boys were alot younger then (been divorced for 10 years) but i can tell you one thing -if that had not happened - i wouldn't of made the mistakes and errors in judgement - and i wouldn't have learned. The boys always say that the happiest time we ever had together - when i had no money - just had rented a house - hardly any furniture - and we were sitting on the floor in our empty living room - laughing - yes laughing together.

I made a choice to leave. He cried and begged me to stay - said he'd stop fooling around. He too made promises he couldn't keep - and i knew it....but i loved him...and our life - it took me over a year to leave. I had to borrow money from relatives and start all over......no credit - nothing. The house i moved into was 'mine' - and over time and working hard -and having alot of support - i was able to turn things around. Things can be replaced - that feeling that something just isn't right and being unhappy - can't be. Even if you're no spiritual - i truly believe that god puts obstacles in our lives for a reason. There are opportunities - sometimes we just don't see them - because we're so wrapped up in our own unhappiness.

I am in a situation now where i feel unappreciated - and i have set boundaries for my husband - i don't accept anything less from myself - but again - i still feel a little bit guarded - the past rears its head -and i fall into my old patterns - accepting things - moving thru it. I have to do something - i just don't know what yet.

Don't despair - there is help out there....and you will find the answer....