BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Widows & Widowers Forum

I am a widower for close to 3 years and would like to connect with other widows and widowers hopefully in this forum.
Do drop a line if you are in the same boat.

Thanks for the invitation. Could it also include the best friend of a widow?

We've been friends since High School. Her husband took his life 3 1/2 years ago. I had known him since 1st grade. For me, his death was truly the loss of a family member.

My friend has been basically plugging along, for she has to with a 16 year old daughter. But she's "Stuck." That's the best word I can use. She has put her life on hold and completely immersed herself in the social, school, and sports life of her daughter, who will be going off to college soon.

We talk almost daily, and it's taken me a year's worth of encouragement to get her to just begin looking for a full time job. I've been gently "nudging" her to get out of "Teenage Land" and concentrate on herself and her future for over 2 years.

She regularly talks of wanting someone in her life, but really isn't doing anything about that either. I've commiserated, nudged, even chided and scolded a bit, but just can not get her jump started. She's STUCK!

In a mere 18 months, her financial situation will worsen yet again with the loss of her daughter's Social Security benefits. After hitting emotional rock bottom with the loss of her husband of 20 years, I dread the thought of her hitting financial rock bottom as well. I'm at a complete loss. I truly understand the value of my being there just to listen when needed. But at this point, I've also spent 2 years in "Teenage Land" and I'm ready for both of us to get out! Time is really becoming an issue for her, both financially and emotionally. She seems to understand it, but unable, or reluctant, to take any action.

When her daughter leaves for college, it will be another traumatic adjustment. It will be more of an additional loss, as my friend won't have "Teenage Land" any more. I worry she is not in anyway prepared for this, although we have discussed it frequently.

Any Advice? Any One? Help!!!!

"She regularly talks of wanting someone in her life, but really isn't doing anything about that either. I've commiserated, nudged, even chided and scolded a bit, but just can not get her jump started. She's STUCK!"

Your friend is suffering from double blows at least. The lost of a loved one and one who had taken his own life. She is feeling lonely and at the same time unpleasant to reveal the nature of her late husband death.

She needs time to recuperate and by doing so in immersing herself with her young daughter, she thought that she could overcome the trying stage she is in. Unfortunately, in general ladies take a much longer time to recuperate. As a single parent and mother to her young daughter plus most likely her kid is getting all the attention, love and devotion from her mother, it would be almost impossible for your friend to find time to meet up with someone.

Just like in my shoes, after 25 years of marriage, I have lost touch of dressing right. My daughter commented that I needed to change my wardrobe if I ever wanted to go out and find someone else. In fact, I took her advise and registered for a Image Enhancement course. It dawn upon me that it is important for me to start all over again in dressing neatly, colour matching clothing, and deportment to strike the right conversation with the other most likely younger ladies. For her case, she would most likely be meeting up with someone who is more senior than her.

So probably, may want to assist her in dressing right, decent makeup, and created a chance to meet up with other friends.

Not sure how her daughter view of her mother in seeing someone else. Does she agree to it or have some reservations? Nevertheless, your friend needs to take charge of her life and balance it for her own needs as well as her kid.

If it is all possible, invite her to write to this Forum. Till this day, we widows and widowers have very special and unique needs that we would like to share, ponder, encourage, laugh, enjoy as we table our cares, concerns, benchmark, sympatize etc.

By the way, you are doing a great job by sticking close to your best friend. Admire you very much. Cheers.

[b][/b]Hi there Gideon, I've been a widow for some time and I know how hard it is; hang in there. Try to stay busy, be interested in something, anything. Good luck

Thanks Gideon, I guess I needed to add we are truly the "Odd Couple." I'm the casual one, no makeup, hair in pony tail. My friend is the one immaculately dressed and manicured ALWAYS. She's vivacious and outgoing, but conscience about her weight. There are opportunities, but she just flirts with them (the opportunities, not the men).

At first, her daughter was reluctant with the possibility of her Mother having a relationship. We discussed it, and they had the same conversation I had with my Mother who was freaking out when my Grandmother wanted to remarry. It's a simple question really. Do you want your Mother to be alone the rest of her life? That question seems to bring on instant attitude adjustment.

It worked for my Mother and it worked for my friend's daughter as well. It would be so much easier if she wasn't 6 hours away. Then I could be more of an instigator for action. All I can do on a regular basis is remind her of what she can, maybe should do.

I've also experienced loss (my fiancee in a car accident 24 years ago). I've been married to a wonderful man for 15 years now, and still occassionally feel that painful twinge. I'm not comparing our short time with my friend's 20+ year marriage. But then when you love deeply, it still hurts, no matter the time span. It certainly took a long time to heal enough to commit to another relationship, but in the meantime, I established a career and livelyhood.

I do understand what works for one may not for another. We all grieve in different ways. However, time is a luxury my friend can not afford. Lately she has complained of being overly tired and not getting enough sleep. I'm beginning to have concerns of her being clinically depressed. With no health insurance, this could be a another huge hurdle, emotionally and financially.

I applaud the bravery of you pioneer posters! Good job. You bless many who are too timid to write.

may i suggest a visit to the Bereavement page? Look for the articles titled "Survivors Guilt", "The Tasks of Grief", and "Away at School". click on the link below to BEREAVEMENT EDITOR.

Just hope that your friend is still dressing right and outgoing. But along that lifestyle, she needs to learn to spend time to rest well. Beloved sleep is a wonderful natural exercise, if I may use those words, that would assist us to recuperate our biological system in repairing our complex bodily cells, tired muscles etc. Balance diet is also necessary with plenty of fluid, remember at least 8 glasses of water daily, mixture of vegetables and meat. Hopefully no smoking nor strong drink. Oh, one more very important thing is regular exercise such as brisk walking for at least half hour thrice a week minimum. A healthy body with sufficient rest would enhance the physical well of the human body. Hope that someone could be together with her during the exercise.

Agreed that we still grieve our loved ones in one way or another. Regularly, I would just called out my late wife name, asking her where she is now before sleeping. Strangely, I know that she is in heaven and yet I just missed her alot..........

Occassionally I would just wish that I could dream of her. So far, there had been about 5 such wonderful dreams. The lastest dream happended a few days ago on 19 Oct. Seems like it is a futuristic globe shape hospital with the individual cosy white round capsule room almost suspended in mid air. Suddenly when the door slided open, behold there stood the ever elegant Lydia with her back while finally adjusting her beautiful dress of multiple colours. When she turned around, imagined her sweetest smile that lighted up my heart and immediate I thanked God that he had answered his unworthy child in requesting for such dream a few nights
ago...The dream lasted only for a seconds but it is sufficient to brighten up my spirit, soul and body. So nice to see my beloved once again in the dream...ha...ha..Amen.

Thanks again, Gideon. All of your suggestions, sleep, proper diet, exercise... These are all things I have been gently harping on for THREE years now. I waited on the financial and "Teenage Land" problems for about 18 months before I broached those issues. I'm beginning to think I might have waited too long.
Your wonderful dreams/visits are exactly the opposite of what my friend has experienced. Her husband "visits" a little too frequently, which is one of her sleep issues. This is probably to be expected considering the manner of his death. Too much unfinished in his life, and realized too late, I guess. I've told her numerous times to just talk out loud to him and explain why this is problematic. Having many experiences with communications from the other side, this is something both of us strongly believe in, and that our communications will be received as well.

I'm hoping we'll be able to get together for Thanksgiving at my daughter's house. I've invited my friend and her daughter and it's only a 2 hour drive for them.

If anyone out there has some suggestions, or maybe some examples of how they helped with or actually pulled themselves out of a situation like this, it would be most graciously appreciated. I've done all I can think of to do at this point. Perhaps I've done all I can do.

i lost my wife aug19,2008,married 47&half yrs,dont know if i will ever get thru this.john

Just take it day at a time John, it is still so recent. Take good care of yourself healthwise and try to spend time with your kids and/or other family, it has been 14 years since I lost my husband of 35 years, it does get easier but sometimes it seems like it happened yesterday. Sometimes prayer helps. God bless and hang in there.