BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships How do I deal with an emotionally abusive mother?

Hi. I'm new here and I need some help. I have an emotionally abusive mother. The majority of this is taken out on me (30) and my little brother (16). Not so little any more I know but I need to look out for him.
I don't know how to word this, (I'm not very articulate) so please bear with me!
My mother walks around the house and all you hear coming out of her mouth is bad language. My brother will be laughing with his friends, or he'll be watching something she doesn't like or he'll just walk into the room and she'll start swearing at him and calling him names - and I mean really bad swears (the 4 letter f and c words) and names that I can't repeat, including insinuations that he's gay. I dont know that I can say the word but it starts with f and ends with t.
When she gets really mad - usually when he sticks up for himself - she'll start pushing him around, she'll put her face (or her fist) up to an inch from his nose trying to intimidate and bully him (does this to me too and I tell her to stop trying to intimidate me) and then when he pushes her away..."Don't you dare push/touch me you little bully, I'm your mother!" It isn't right that he does push her, but I can't see how she can say that when she pushes him around for no reason!
When it comes to an argument between him and his brother, he's never listened to. As soon as he starts talking, Mum'll talk over the top of him saying she doesn't care and she's sick of them fighting and she just wants peace and quiet. All the while using her favourite words. It's always his fault.
I can't stand it as she did the same thing with me and one of my younger sisters when we were kids - she believed everything that came out of my sisters mouth but anything I said "Shut up you f'ing little [censored] or I'll flog your [censored]" - so I know how he feels and I won't have it. I also got locked out of the house and yelled and screamed at until I did what she wanted and then she acted like she did nothing wrong!
When I stick up for him and say he hasn't done anything wrong "What's up your [censored] today, I haven't done anything to you" or "do you have your monthlies" or " you're an ungrateful so and so". Oh, and my favourite "Well, you know what you can do about it" or "Maybe you and the other half should move out and make a little nest of your own". Doesn't sound like an insult but she uses this really syrupy voice and she knows it really irritates me. I've even asked her to please not say it as it makes me mad and I feel like she's only doing it to have a go at me. She says she's not but then repeats it 6 times! Knows exactly which buttons to push and does it at every oppurtunity.
I've had a run of bad luck lately, I would have moved out long ago but I had a work injury and was put on light duties, in a position that didn't even exist, it was made to accommodate me. In other words, no job security. I then came off my pushy and broke my wrist, then came off the motorbike and broke my back! The first thing Mum said when I finally came home from hospital was "Great someone else I have to look after" and then insisted I pay her rent and also wanted the rent I owed her from the time I was in hospital. I feel like she only wants me for money.
I'll get home and you can see she doesn't want me there. She'll slump her shoulders and give me the most horrible look as if to say "oh, great, you're home" or she gives off this big sigh or says "what are you doing home?" I'll start to talk to her sometimes and she'll either turn her head away as soon as she sees me open my mouth or say "I don't care/I don't have time to listen" or cut me off while I'm talking - she never lets me finish.
Neither of us can do anything right. We can wash the dishes, look after the birds, hang out the washing - you name it - but it's always conveniently ignored. She'll get home and see that all this is done and complains about the mess (what mess, there's 1 cushion on the floor) or about the sinkful of dishes, never mind the obviously washed dishes in the dishrack. She only see's the negative.
She also lies through her teeth just to get herself out of trouble or to make herself look like the victim. Like the time she switched her fish tank pump with mine as hers had broken. My other half got really mad and switched it back, so Mum goes and tells dad that I took her pump. She does that sort of thing all the time and I just can't get my head around it! It's like walking on eggshells.
She picks an argument with me over nothing. All I'll have to say is "Can I please close the window, I'm cold" and it starts. I get told I'm ungrateful, backstabbing, a bully (but I don't see how) and a 2 faced female dog. None of which I believe to be true. I just stick up for people - whether it be me or someone else - when they're being treated wrongly.
I'm moving out as soon as possible, but my previous place of employment doesn't want to risk taking me back because of my work injuries and my back so I have to stay til I find more work. So how do I deal with this until then? Please help!

Do you have any other relatives you could go to? Quite possibly, they know what a difficult person your mother is. They may just have been reluctant to say anything to you or offer you shelter worrying that you may be "loyal" to her and report their offers as criticism.

It sounds like you and your brother need desparately to get away from her, if at all possible. Even though he is still school age, perhaps you could both start new lives together, at least until he finishes school. Do you qualify for any state assistance with your injuries, and could your brother get a part-time job after school or on weekends? Perhaps, with determination, the two of you could figure out a way to be independent.

Your mother is out of control and feels completely entitled to undermine yours and your brother's confidence and sense of well-being. You both deserve the peace and quiet you will need to find a better way to live. Do not let your mother play on any feelings of guilt she might try to saddle you with. You do not owe her your dignity under any circumstances.

Ummm...typo. My little bro's 14, not 16. He can be a real brat sometimes but I love him anyway.

This is hard, but I only know one way and that is to be direct, The fact that your thirty and sounding like the 14 year old has concerning elements. Either you are just looking for a sounding board, or you are truly ready to make a change for the safety of yourself and your 14 year old brother.

If your Mother is being a threat to you or your brother or anyone else, You call 911.You can make it a Mental issue, and perhaps she can get help, or you can make it an issue of her hitting your bother, and find someone to stay with.

In all of this you complained of your Mother, but never took any accountibility of your being a thirty year old women that has a young brother being abused.

This is not a time to complain and get fixated on your mother's mental issues, Get yourself and your Brother out of this inviornment. It's difficult to advise people in your mind set, so often you get to vent of your issues and then you'll do absolutely nothing to change the cycle of negativety and abuse.
You'll spend your life in the victim role, when you deserve so much more!Of course your Brother's a brat sometimes, he's subjected to your Mother putting him down and watching his Big sister allowing it.I know you stick up for him, but it doesn't change the way your Mother is, you CANNOT change another person, only yourself! Change the enviornment, so that you can break the cycle. Best to you and your brother!

Yes, sever the environment. This woman is truly unhappy, probably believing that she has been kept from reaching her full potential because of others. Those 'others' include the whole world in her estimation. This is a case for a family psychologist. Take the above advice and report her behavior.

Yes the children and families social services would be interested in this case by the sounds of things.

I feel that your response, ilivetopaint, was quite insulting and not very helpful. Could you please explain what you think my mindset is? And why you think I do nothing and take no accountability? Thankyou.

Read what you asked us to look at, Please take your time and look at what you wrote, perhaps look at it, as though it was your friend writing it to you.

Is this the time you would hold her hand and tell her what she wants to hear, or would you risk her being mad at you, and tell her to take the responsibility of the adult she is, and to leave this inviornment immediately? The mind set is not your fault,What you have shared says, that your mother is aggresive, abusive, and very controlling. I wanted to have you see that the courage it's going to take is a mindset for change.

I am sorry that your Mom is treating you and your younger brother this way.It's wrong and she is not well, and that is not your fault,but at thirty to come back and try to change her, it's my opinion that you would be safer to change your home life for you and your brother.I do have your best interest at heart. I don't have to know you to come to that decision. Plaese think about it.I would stay with you on this, for as long is it would take.I hope that you can leave.Please let us know how your doing, and if you would prefer, I won't post anymore to your topic,perhaps other's on this site can better help you.

I guess I was a little insulted when you wrote that I don't take accountability for being a thirty year old woman with a brother being abused - I feel that I really take great accountability for it.

I can understand how what I wrote sounded like a 14 year old, (I'm not too good with words - sometimes things come across the wrong way because of that). I did need to get it off my chest but I'm willing to take the action to change.

I never thought I could change my mother - I've never tried. I don't hold her hand and tell her what she wants to hear and I bear he brunt of the abuse because of that. Is there any way I can deal with this until I can get out?

I really do agree with you that the best solution is to find a safe environment and I'm sorry that I got a little touchy on the subject - I think you hit the nail right on the head! It just took some thinking about it to realise this!!

Please keep on posting - I feel bad that I made you feel like you should stop.

Thankyou so much for having our best interests at heart and I hope to hear from you soon. I'll keep you posted!!

I noticed that you are in Australia. I'm not sure of the social services that are available to you there as opposed to what we have here in the States - I will need to look into that.

But first thing - your younger brother is being emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. It sounds like your mother has limited your abuse to just the emotional and verbal abuse; probably because you CAN walk out at any time and she knows it, whereas your brother is pretty much stuck.

Your mother is relying on your emotional conditioning to keep you in place. She has had 30 years of pushing your buttons. She knows exactly what and when to say something to you to get you to do (or not do) what she wants. She is also relying on the fact that you feel responsible for your brother to keep you under her thumb.

You need to break free of this controlling and abusive woman - for your brother's sake, but for your sake as well. You will never be able to form a truly healthy and equal relationship with anyone - like every human being deserves - until you are able to get out of this sick house.

By freeing your brother as well as yourself, you will be standing up to her in no uncertain terms. You will see how stroing you truly can be.

This woman is not as powerful as you think she is. She is a bully, and like all bullies relies on fear and intimidation to keep her prey down. Once stood up to, she will eventually fold.

I am reminded of a story of foaling a horse. When you raise horses, and a foal is first born, you hold the foal, you stroke it and let it get to know you. And forever after that the horse thinks you are bigger than him because it remembers you holding him when he was a foal.

That is the mindset your mother has instilled in you and your brother. She has intimidated and abused you since you were children, since you were small and could not stand up to her - so now you think you still can't. But you and he are grown now, you are strong, and you CAN stand up to her. Do not let her make you smaller than you are.