BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Will it ever get better?

My husband of 30 years was killed 1 month ago in a motorcycle accident. I miss him terribly. I'm home with a cold now and I don't think I can take much more of this emptyness. Going to work seemed to help last week, but now I am sick and had a bad weekend. I was never meant to live alone. Help.

Yes, it will get better. Concentrate on all the great days and times you had together not the one day of his passing. Do something in his honor and keep it up.

rod, i'm sorry for your loss, my 13yr old son was killed I understand your emptiness. And loneliness. its been 23years now that my son has died. I still miss him so much the holidays are so hard . I won't tell you that it gets easier or better with time but i can say with time we learn to handle it differently.
And welcome to the forum you will meet many nice people here.
Rosie

Thank you for the knid advice. I posted during a meltdown. Intectually I know things will get better, emotionally I will never recover. I have so much to look forward to. What breaks my heart is not sharing the things to come. A new granddaughter coming in a couple of weeks. Thank you again.

I honestly believe our loved ones who have crossed are never that far away if needed. I've had way too many experiences which confirm this for me. When I'm having a really bad day, I talk out loud to them and allow myself to cry until I'm done. Having a really good cry releases a lot of physical stress. Cry until the tears don't come anymore. I also sleep much better afterwards.

There are days when a stiff upper lip is necessary. But then there are days when you really need to let the grief just flow from you. Always focus on the good, but when things start building up, like the last few days, allow yourself a "bad" day or two, just to grieve. I think it really is physically and emotionally necessary. My thoughts are with you.

HI,
I"m so sorry for your loss. I lost alot of family members & close friends. Never a spouse or child. I lost family members in very close time frames too. It's never easy to deal with. The above people gave you very good suggestions & thoughts about this. I agree with allowing yourself to grieve. Although things will never be the same as time goes on it will get better.

This just happened. I give you alot of credit for talking about this with us. you will always miss him. But you know deep down that he wants you to go on. It will take alot of time. Not that anyone can replace your dear husband, but the new grandaughter is a good part of your life for the future. Please let us know how you are doing. It does help to get it out & talk about it. Hugs, Prayers & support, Judy K. Chicago.

Hello,

I lost my husband in 2005. we were married 8 months when he died suddenly. Its been so hard especially around the holidays, he died December 16. There isnt a day that goes by I dont think about him.

I've been going to grieving classes and went to a workshop on how to get thru the holidays without our loved ones. It was great. I feel better and now Im feeling like im getting excited about the holidays. This is the first time since my husbands death in 2005, I'm able to get motivated. I moved into a one bedroom apartment from my sisters house, bought a new fake tree with lights. To me, this is a beginning sign of healing.

As far as crying, its ok to cry. It isnt a sign of weakness or failure, but a sign of strenght and recovering. There is no rule when grief should end but we know we have to move forward. The past was yesterday. It will never be the same again if you try to relive the past. Its important to try new things. Get some excercise, eat good and most of all, be good to yourself. Get involved with the community or find a new hobby. I know its hard doing this, but trust me, you'll feel better.

In my opinion, the question is... Will it ever get better, no, it doesnt get better, it just gets easier.

Happy Holidays,

Julie

HI,
I had to post again when I read the end of the above post. It can get better & easier. It will take some time. To Julie, if you have the opinion that it will not get better then it won't. Everyone else who lost someone said that it does get better. I think that is up to the indivdual who lost someone, if they want life to get better or not.
Julie you gave Rod alot of good suggestions. But to say that it wont' get better is in a way defeating the purpose of the good things you advised. Judy

I have to apoligize for my negitive thoughts on if it ever get better. Honestly, I didnt mean to be so negitive. I know it will get better for me, but for me to say that was wrong on my half. I'm sorry.

Judy, you are right. It is up to the individual how we choose to live our lives if we want it to get better. Thank you for letting me see that :0)

Julie



Julie

HI,
No need to apologize. It is very hard to deal with. Every one has to go forward at their own pace. I hope that I was not too harsh either. I just wanted Rod to know that there is hope even when terrible things. happen. Thanks for your response. I wish you all the best too. The holiday times are hard enough for people. But when you loose someone you loved, it is very difficult. I want to wish everyone the best who is dealing with this & other things too. Judy K.

hi Judy,

Thank you for forgiving me. Yes, it is hard enough when we lose a love one. Even harder during the holidays. My husband died December 16, 2005. I'm reliving those memories, good and bad again and I hate it. I dont hate the holidays, just reliving the pain I have to feel. Its not like I'm the only one going thru this. I feel for all who lost their loved ones.

Before my husband died, I took life for granted. After he died, I woke up and realized how precious life is. I have a saying... live your life to its fullest. You never know when tomorrow will be here.

Merry Christmas to you and your family Judy. Thank you again for being patient with me. Best of luck to you also.

Julie

HI JULIE ANN,
Oh, you did not mean for what you said to come out that way. I know it is very hard to deal with, especially on the holidays. I used to take people & things for granted until I started to loose almost every member of my family long ago. It happened in a very short time frame. I have never lost a spouse.

Then 9 yrs. ago I became seriously ill & had 2 major surguries in 7 months. I thought that was it, but now I'm ill again. So, I also realize how precious life is. I value every relationship & friendship that I have now. . Yes, you are so right. We never know what can happen.

I apologize if I was too outspoken or harsh to you. I want to wish you a healthy & blessed holiday. I also want to thank you for your patience & how much class & grace you have, even when I disagreed with part of what you said. You are a nice lady & good person. I do wish you good luck & I hope that you do have some close family & friends to be with around the holidays.It helps to have the support of other good people. Judy K. Chicago.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Husband 3yr ago today, after 13yr together. Losing a spouse is a life changer...You've lost your past, your present and your future. Be good to yourself and cry when you need to. They're healing tears. I still miss my Husband every day but I've also accepted that he's gone and try to just remember all the good times we had together. Please know that it does get easier as time goes by.
HarleyGirl

I am not sure how to feel. My biological father passed away this morning...It is along story but I will try to make it short. I have always known this man. I found out when I was 21 that he was my father and that his one daguhter was my half sister. we were always very close growing up and even closer since we found we were sister. His other daughters dont know about me. I was kept hush hush,In the last 3 yrs I have been around him more and talked and seen him on special occ. like my sister kids bday parties and with my sister...but I am not sure how to feel... part of me wants to cry and then the other part i feel like i shouldnt care... I feel bad for my sister at the same time...I want to cry cos he was my dad but then I dont want to cos I was kept hush hush and he never wanted anything to do with me and my sister brought us together 3 yrs ago when her mother passed away who is not my mom...not sure how to feel comfused here in ny

I know that this is a late post but it touched a place in my heart. My oldest son was diagnoised with ALL at 3 and we lost him at 7. He would have been 26 this March. Even today, I still have bad days, only there are shorter in duration and less frequently. I remember the words my dad said,"You never get over it, you just learn to live with it." No truer words were ever spoken. You see, my dad lost 3 sons, all before their 21st birthday. All in 3 different ways. Yet, he learned to laugh and joke and even after his first grandson died, he was able to help us through the heart ache. So, while we cry and ask "why" and walk around missing our loved ones, we will eventually move forward. A little sadder then before, but healing as each day goes by. We will have bumps along the way, but will grow strong as each day comes by. God Bless to each of you.

MariRN, sorry for your loss, and everyone else's
As time goes on I always have memories of my son, but over the years i have learned to handle it differently.
And yes MariRN, We do grow stronger with time.
God Bless you also
Rosie

I agree Rosie.

The memories of my husband (8 months of marriage) is still there but I've learned to look back and smile or laugh at the wonderful memories I had with him. I have found now that he's been gone 3 years, I've become a stronger person. Now I'd like to reach out to those who need help or just needs an ear to listen.

Julie

For me, it was the good memories that helped me get through the bad times. While Matt has been gone 18 years, he still lives in my heart and my mind. My strength came from my dad. He lost 3 sons all before they saw 21. So he was my rock and always had a word or two of wisdom. When he died, while I grieved, I also new he was looking forward to seeing his sons and his grandson. That gave me peace. God Bless to all you grieve.

I am so sorry for your loss. Honoring Memories (HonoringMemories.org) is an online memorial organization which sets the standard for providing high quality, unique memorials to individuals and families empowering them find the needed way to remember and honor their loved ones. We strive to connect with, grieve with, laugh with, and uplift the lives of our customers. We value, above all, our ability to serve everyone who can benefit from our product. Our company has established a giving program focusing on the communities where we live and do business, and is concentrated in three major areas: research, development and patient care. Best Wishes.

It will get better. You have to allow yourself time to grieve. People expect you to be over it in a certain amount of time and thats just BS. There is NO set time to grieve. If it takes you years then so be it. I watched my best friend die in a car accident and it has taken me 5 years to even start to be normal again. So don't let anyone make you feel bad for grieving. And take care of you.

I agree with you. I lost my husband 3 years ago in December. I still miss him terribly, but Im seeing now, that I'm able to get myself going again. I'm feeling normal again but i have my days too. We all do. I get sick of people telling me to it will get better when they dont even know what it feels like to lose a loved one. I know they mean well and they think they are doing us a favor. Im dont mean no harshness on that but it does take time, but it has to be on your own time, not anyone elses.

rodgshb,

A love like you shared with your late husband never dies, it just eventually goes to a quiter place. You will find peace some day and will be able to go on with your life.

I wish you all the best for strength, courage and peace in your heart.

shellsher, i'd like to speak to you further on this. click on bereavement editor, below, and let me know you got this

When my Father passed away, I was devastated. That was the first death of someone close to me. I was 52 when he left us in 1997. I felt like a lost child, for he was always there for me. Each day was just an empty void that I could not fill. My Father had taught me so much about spirituality, death and the afterlife, yet I could not seem to accept his death. About a week after his funeral, I was very depressed and was puttering around the house, not really knowing what to do. Suddenly I heard the faint ring of a little bell, like crystal. Then I heard my Father laugh and I knew he was at peace and happy. A sudden change came over me and I was ok. Not a day has gone by since then that I do not miss him, some days I cry when I think of something he did or said to me. The feeling of missing him in his physical sense has never left me - yet the knowing that he is still with me is a profound peace in my heart. He is often here when I turn to him for guidance or just for the purpose of knowing his protective love and understanding. The tears still come sometimes, but the joy of remembering the good times with him on Earth bring me peace. The knowledge that he is never far from me brings me peace. The knowledge that someday we will be together again in spirit brings me peace.

The hurt gets better, the peace gets stronger, my adjustment to life without him gets easier. The love never dies, it only gives me strength.

Hello All,

I have experienced the crossing over of quite a few loved ones. In 1988, I was six-months pregnant and lost my only baby. Before that, my wonderful step-father crossed over. My beautiful dog passed away in 1989. In April of the same year, my beloved father passed away. In June of that year, my best friend at the time crossed over. On the Summer Solstice of 2003, my dearest friend passed away. December 1, 2007 saw the passing over of my dear and beloved husband. Nobody can ever replace these magnificent people. There will be new relationships in our lives, and we should appreciate them for what they are. Some will be toxic, and some will be wonderful! Most of all, do not let anybody tell you how to grieve. Do it in your own way and in your own time.

I sure wish I were walking in Balance right now,
Deer