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#456573 10/03/08 04:07 AM
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Maybe someone can help me here. Im having some problems in my marriage and im not to sure how to deal with them. I've been married for a little over a year, we have been together for 2 years all together. Ive noticed alot has changed since before my son was born, i was about 8 months when I noticed. My son is now 7 months old. My husband started to become distant. I'm not sure why, I figured it was because I was pregnant and I know sometimes men look at there wives diffrently. I figured after my son was born things would go back to normal. They havent. I honestly think things have gotten worse. He has gotten even more distant, and also ignores me alot. I feel like hes just not atracted to me anymore. He use to look at me with this glow in his eyes like I was so specail to him, I never had a man look at me like that before. I could feel his love through the way he looked at me, and now the glow in his eyes has dimed, and im nothing. He has stopped kissing me, the only time I get a kiss is when hes going to work, and sometimes when he gets home. Kissing means alot to me, it shows affection, love, passion and there isnt any. He hardly touches me. Our love life has suffered a great deal. Im lucky if anything happens. I know its alot to read but im at a loss here. I feel worthless, lonely and like i just dont matter to him anymore. I mean I understand theres gonna be change in a marriage and not everything is always going to be lovey dovey. This just isnt normal. I cant even say hes cheating on me cause i know hes not, and i know thats what most would be thinking reading this. Hes always home. Just not always all here. I want to talk to him im just not sure how to say these things to him without him becoming defensive. So please if anyone can give advise please do.

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Start by talking to him as his wife and reminding him that marriage is a partnership. If he has anything at all on his mind, he should tell you.

If that doesn't open him up - try getting a babysitter and going out on a "date" with him - just the two of you.

You may also have to actually try the direct approach and telling him you feel like he is distant and ask him why....


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HI,
I"m sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are a new mom too & have alot to deal with. You went through many changes. More than he did. Well, I would tell him everything you posted here. For me personally, I am not 1 to walk on egg shells with my husband or anyone else. Well, sometimes you never know if a person is having a affair or not. Even if they seem to be at home all of the time. It does not take that long to do, if you know what I mean. But, something is going on for him to all of a sudden act so distant & cold.

If you talk to him & he is still like this you might have to suggest counseling. Does he help with the baby? Or is he distant from the child too? I'm all for the direct approach in a nice way. Otherwise you will just keep guessing & trying to figure out what is going on. He should not become defensive just because you want to know what is going on. you have the right to know why he is ignoring you & acting cold. If you were doing that to him, he would want to know why. This is what I would tell him too. The very best of luck to you. Judy K. Chicago.

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OK, mine is going to sound a little pessimistic, but it is something that counseling CAN help with.

There are some men that are completely turned off by pregnancy and birth. When their wife's body becomes "utilitarian" instead of just there for enjoyment, there is this little switch in their brain that just kind of goes "stop - off limits".

I'm curious to know if he was present for the birth, if it was a vaginal birth, and if you are breast-feeding.

These are all things that can get into some men's minds that convince them that your body is for the baby now, and not them (and I do make note that your baby is a son.)

This may not even be something he is aware of on a concious level.

I am by no means suggesting that you need to give up nursing or snuggling with your baby. What I am suggesting is that you ask your husband if he is bothered by seeing you do these things. And then see if you can see a counselor together.

Good luck.


Michelle Taylor
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Hi, and thank you for responding. I had a c-section with my son, My husband was present, he stayed with me the whole time and yes i did brastfeed but only for about 3 months. So im not sure if thats what he feels. Ive asked him if the breast feed at the time bothered him. He thought it was grose. Hahaa. Just bracuse of the way he grew up no one he knew ever breast fed, so for him at that time it was all new. He was better about it near the end.

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Another thought - Pregnancy CAN be a very stressful time for a marriage and is one of the most common times for an affair to occur for huge variety of reasons I won't get into here.

Is it possible that this happened and his guilt is creating a distance between you?

Is it also possible that in getting so wrapped up in pregnancy/childbirth and then your recovery and the new baby that he has felt neglected and ignored by YOU for four or five months? THen when you were ready to reconnect he wasn't sure what was going on and quite a bit of time had passed?

Regardless - you need to have a heart-to-heart with him and find out what's going on. Is there a pastor or counselor you both know and trust you could speak with?

Angela <><


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Hi there. I too am very sorry you've had to experience this during your marriage and pregnancy. My ex-husband was distant with both myself and our daughter, before, during and after. So, on that level I can empathize.

I agree with a lot of the posters here though. I like the direct approach. I'm not one for egg shells either. I prefer to deal with things right away. I also agree with michelle in that some men are turned off w/pregnancy and with angela that affairs really don't take long to ignite. Especially these days, 9 times out of 10 they happen through work subtly or via the internet w/dating sites and sadly some of the porn sites. It's just convenient and for a lot of people acceptable. I still believe in the long-term approach if it's possible.

If the direct approach or date night doesn't work, honestly, I would start investigating groups and gatherings that offer you some feel good support and friendships that will also get you out of the house. That way you're not stuck living and breathing this reality and just maybe your husband will get a glimple of your not always being there.

All of these things can add up over time and the child/children really will pick up on it, more so now than later. Because they haven't yet mastered agilities, their senses are heightened. They pretty much notice and absorb everything, including mom's sadness or lonliness.

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Hello there

I have had a ready of what you are going there. Even though he is at the house all the time does not mean that he may not be having an affiar.

Try and focus on the good things between you. If you can try and make sure you eat as a family, if he does not help much with your son speak to him and ask him to help out with the baby. If you are doing everything for your son he may not have bonded that well. Even get him to feed him on his own or even put him to bed now and again so that he can bond with him as he may be feeling left out which can happen. when he is doing something like that make a quick meal you can have together ideally at a table with a bottle of wine so that you can talk without the television being on. Even going out to the pictures while some one watches the little one for a while.

When you have a little one do try and make time for yourself and your partner as it can make all the difference.

Listen to him and ask him if there is anything that he would like to do with you and your son and make a day of it.

i was having a bad time myself but last weekend has been a real changing point for us and we are doing more as a family and really trying to work at things.

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It's entirely possible that the reality of taking a wife and having a child hit him in a major way and the responsibility of it all completely freaked him out. Happened to my husband (we just got married and bought a house--we didn't have kids for another 5 years). He just "checked out" and nothing I did, said or felt mattered.

I honestly don't know what brought him around. It took a few years and I have no clue why I stayed all that time. Now I'm glad I did, but looking back--I don't understand it.

You do need to get to doing a date night or something with him. You need to reconnect as a couple and you need to have things to talk about that have nothing to do with children or rent or what needs to be fixed this week. He needs to feel safe with you again. Men are big babies sometimes and their insecurities are bigger than we realize. Often, they married us because they felt we'd be good mothers... TO THEM! LOL! So just try to love him through this and help him feel stronger and more secure in your lives.

I'd also recommmend that old "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" book. It WAS pretty good and gave a lot of good insight on how their minds work. It may help you find better ways to connect and communicate with him.


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I want you to know that I am not placing blame on your husband's behavior but I am going to ask you a few questions.

Are you staying home with your son?

Do you get out of bed each morning, dress, put on some make up, shower, etc.?

Do you provide a loving, clean and inviting body for him?


If all those things are there, have you talked to him at all about how you feel?

I would plan a nice dinner, get a babysitter, and take HIM out on a romantic date.

Get his outfit ready, put it out for him to change into, leave little notes around, then have him MEET YOU at the spot, a restaurant with a bar would be nice. Be at the bar waiting for him, in a nice dress, nice hair, nice make up, treat him nice, romance him.

If after you do that he still treats you the same way, confront him and ask him what is wrong. Tell him you need him as your Husband and be very specific about what you expect and need. Men do not speak code very well.

If you say you want affection they might just pat you on your head and go back to watching the game.

If you say You want Sex, and to Make Love, and to be Romanced you may get part of that smile. They do want to please.

Some men do have a really hard time when they see you loving your baby so much, they feel in the way, replaced, and unloved. You may be shocked that he is feeling unloved, unattractive, and scared to death too.

If these things do not work, get some professional help. Nothing is wrong with doing that.

I highly recommend a couple of things.

One is Divorced BustingBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!


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You have another, wonderful resource free and handy - the old folks! They've been there, done that, know what works, and what doesn't. Consult with some friends who are older and wiser. If one volunteers to talk to your husband, graciously accept.

And don't forget to pray for your husband, and give thanks for him.


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