BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce how do you know if you should save your marriage

I am in one of the hardest relationships i think known to man.. i have blended a family he has 2 kids i have one and we have a child together. and they all live with me.. it has not been an easy 7 years of marriage alot of ups and downs struggles and pain.. with everyone including the kids.. i suffered from post partum/depression and have alot of mood swings .. my husband is at the point where he wants a divorce because he cant make me happy. there are times when i am happy but there are times when stress and frustrations of blending the family and all the kids issues play a role. we are struggling to make it work how do you know if its time to quit.. i still really care and feel like i am in a rut emotionally with everything and life.

Hello there

Have you tried to get some kind of help for the depression? This may not be the answer you need but it might help. Also if you do a diary on a daily basis just for your own thoughts about how you are feeling and what caused things to go wrong on that day you might see a pattern which may help you see things clearer. It might also help if you write down a small goal for yourself everyday as well.

At the end of the day you are the only one who can decide whether or not it is worth saving but it does sound like the two of you may actually want it to work. It is very hard with having the kids around but try and have even half an hour a day to yourself, whether it be in the bath with candles on or out for a stroll to somewhere you like walking.

I am in a difficult marriage at the moment as well but have been keeping a diary and writing in all the good and bad things for each day to see where it goes wrong.

Hope you get things sorted out.
X

I am struck by a line in your post that your husband wants a divorce because he can't make you happy. No one can do that sweetie, it's up to each of us to find our own paths to happiness. I agree with skinnycow that you should journal, get some counseling to deal with depression,the stress of your family life, and to help you learn to cope with the issues. It will take time, but hopefully all of the above will help you find out what it is that you need to be happy and fulfilled.
Good luck .

Greetings Diana:

What you are going through affects many women, thank you for sharing your story.

I agree with the other posters. First and foremost take care of your self. Get help with your depression, find time during the day for some renewal. Fifteen minutes to a half an hour of prayer, meditation a hobby, etc. I also suffered from post partum depression. I couldn't sleep for close to a year. One of my regrets in life is that I didn't get help after a few months and I was caring for a toddler and a new born! That is ridiculous, especially when help is out there.

Again take care of yourself first, then you can think more clearly about everything else.

Good luck and be well.

I shouldve have put into my post i do take care my depression i have been in counseling since being marride we have seen a marriage counselor 2x's the first he didnt like cause she sided with me and the 2nd he made me out to be the lunatic nice and calm.. It does not matterwhat decisions i make or how i want to run my household I DONT HAVE A CHOICE. i dont have a say.. lately he wants to be the one to discipline his own kids and just saturday night he asked me if his son can have a sleepover i said yes but they are not sleeping on the couches.. he told this to his son his son brought home his friend and then he let them sleep on the couch! case in point. he has allowed his son to dictate and split us constantly its is so frustrating.. our relationship is hanging on a by thread i am just getting to the point where do i just give up in the relationship or give up everything i belive in.

Diana,
I think the hardest thing anyone can ever do is stay married. For me, it is harder than raising kids. You said you went to a marriage counselor twice, but really no changes can be made until you guys keep going. And eventhough you may think he is making you sound bad, the counselor is used to people doing that. He/she knows that there are two sides to every story, really, they do, and he can't make them think you are some horrible person. Obviously, you guys still love each other or you wouldn't even have gone. I haven't been divorced, but only because we went to counseling. My husband didn't go all the time, but I did, and it made a tremendous difference. The thing that has kept me going this whole time, even when it is hard now, is my kids. My parents were divorced & it was tramautic for me. So, I've tried, for them, to make it work. And if you both have already been divorced, then the kids have gone through a lot already, and a second one could really mess them up as far as ever trusting anyone again. I know how difficult it is, I really, really do. If it wasn't for God or my kids, I wouldn't be here. If you guys could hold off, and try to work it out for the kids sake, I think it will be worth it for you. But he also has to be willing. I'll be praying for you.

Diana,
Just read your last post. Despite going to a counselor, it doesnt sound like your husband is receptive to working together to save your marriage.
Let me explain.
My ex wanted to save our marriage...that is if I would think the way he wanted me to think, discipline the kids his way, be his version of fiscally responsible, and clean the house the way he wanted it clean. That's not a marriage. That's servitude. Understand...I would have done anything to save my marriage...but no matter how I changed, it would never have been enough. His happiness would last until he found another way I needed to change. Our marriage counselor (faith based) told me to run.
You have to be true to yourself. The fact that he disrespects your wishes in front of his son is a frightening sign that he does not respect you.
One more thing, if you can bear it,:), getting a divorce does not mean you are giving up what you believe in. Staying in an emotionally abusive marriage is wrong for you and your children, and belive it or not, for him. Ask yourself how you would counsel your child if he/she was in this situation. Be true to yourself. Give yourself permission to love yourself.
Be well sweetie, and know that there are people out there who want to help.

thank you for all that have respnded it does help me to know that i am not alone. Blending a family has been the hardest thing i have ever done and it complicates things i due believe if it were just my kids it would be different. and my therapist feels that the marriage co unselor we were just seeing is wrong in some aspects he basically told my husband and my self that he did not feel optimistic about our relationship surving due to me and my issues. totally put my husband on a pedastal. and my threapist i have been seeing for 5 years.. knows me a little bit better. the first marriage counselor we saw for 6 months and it did help and the reason we went was because my hubby chose my best friend to talk to and not me thus a emotional affair. and he was wrong and wanted to save the marriage.. we are both at a point were we dont want to move forward.. because of all of the unresolved issues with his ex wife etc.. she is a total piece not responsible his kids were so much better with him.. then i ask myself why what have i dont so wrong in life to deserve this.. i am so afraid to be alone as i get older in life. and wonder if we should split maybe we would find ourselves again and each other but afraid to take that chance. the disrespect and the kids splitting us is wearing on me and wanting to be with him. in the beginning he use to side with me now he is total opposite. too much to say and litle time i could write for hours.. bbl
diana

Honestly go with your gut if you think it should end. Don't delay if you know in your heart its time to go.

I am a firm believer if there is no abuse, no addiction and no affair and sometimes even if the last two exist, to giving it everything and trying everything before throwing in the towel. But if your husband will not try, and will not go to counseling, and will not participate in the marriage you may have no choice.

I hope that you are doing ok today. Please feel free to continue to write, and get your feelings out. Being a second wife is so very hard, being a step mom is really, really hard and is most of the time a thankless job.

myhusband said to me last night why i dont talk to him, i replied because everything i say is wrong or i am cut off, not listened to, and ignored. i feel like i dont have a say and it hurts.. then he said to me it sucks doesnt it now you know where i came from for years. what the hell is this pay back.. this isnt going to survive this way. and lately if i say something out of anger or frustration or look the wrong way i get a famous quote.. thisnt isnt going to work with you why bother. i cant even have a bad day or just be. walking on egg shells sucksl

It's good that you can talk about your problems, nothing worse than holding it in. Let him know how you feel. Marriage is about compromise. Sharing everyday problems. If you aren't heading in the same direction find out why. People change but you can't change people.

hi Diana,

I'm really sorry you're having such troubles. I can hear your pain and discouragement in what you write. I hope to offer you some practical suggestions for turning the relationship to a more positive and even enjoyable one.

In spite of all the tension and troubles, i do think it's possible to turn things around. Your husband says he's thinking of divorce but look... he's been hanging in for some time, so he does love you and he is trying. He's been willing to do counselling, so he cares about saving this. He obviously cares that you are happy. Wow. That's actually a LOT. Marriages have been saved on a lot less. So the question is, are you willing to make the changes it takes? This isn't a matter of blame... i'm not suggesting you take steps because you're at fault or more at fault... you aren't. But two of the things that often stops us from solving ANY problem are excuses and blame... something i try to remember in my own life. Both of those things stop us dead in our tracks from doing what we might do to solve things, and if you look at any persistent problem in anyone's life, you are likely to find those two running amok.

The reason i'm going to suggest things you can do, and not your husband, is only because we always begin with ourselves, k? So no more figuring out if it's your fault or his fault... that's definitely not going to make things better, so that's something you need to set aside. Permanently! The blame game will send you to divorce court. Instead always think of things you can DO to make things better, and things you can ask if he's willing to DO, k? You can't steer a car if you're looking out the rear view mirrors... you need to shift from where you've been looking to where you would like to go! Got it?

First i would ask yourself, are you willing to put in effort and are you willing to do things differently? Take your time with this question, because if you are not really committed, things are likely to remain difficult or get worse. You know what they say... do the things the same way and you'll get the same results!

Second and third, whatever the past, whatever the "analysis" of the present... you are going to do two things. You're going to be committed to listening and you're going to be committed to communicating with your end in mind.

Listening comes first. The number one trigger for infidelity and in many cases divorce is lack of emotional intimacy... not sex... but simply lack of feeling connected. Surprisingly, guys especially need this. I'm sure you know you need this, too. Your husband needs to feel heard. Are you willing to listen and not shut him off, interupt, walk away, are you willing to interact and try to understand him? You need to do this every day, as much as possible. Start asking him questions related to what he is communicating. If he says he doesn't like how you discipline his children then try not to rankle and ask how you can do it a way he likes. I didn't tell you this will be easy, but making things better will require the two of you working better together, right? Getting on the same page? So, you have to understand where he's coming from, what he wants, and what he needs for things to get better for HIM.

You also need to be able to communicate better yourself. How much of your communication now with your husband and your husband's children is negative? ...fighting, orders, etc.? Aha. Yes... this usually happens when we're unhappy and when we're having relationship troubles! It's important to communicate in these areas of conflict, but it is also vitally important to start communicating fun, enjoyable, positive things. Right now the boat is tipped waaaaay to the negative, yes? See if you can start establishing some enjoyable routines... asking your husband how was his day? Maybe setting up a date night once a week or start doing again things you shared and enjoyed together while you were dating. Talk about things like movies, books, the weather, your friends, etc. Go for a walk together after supper... it doesn't matter, but find some positives. It will also help with your depression. No excuses! I know you're tired, busy, etc. But this is simply what it's going to take to be happier and have a happy relationship. You won't get to where you want without it, so it's more important than it seems. And start communicating what you APPRECIATE... tell him what you like about him. Tell the kids what you like about them. Tell anyone what you like about anything, the taste of supper, whatever. You have to start shovelling out the negatives from your life and some from the communication... there is way too much of it and it's weighing everything down in your life. The other important part to your communicating is to figure out what you really want, what would really help you, and communicate these things in short, clear, repetitive ways... but ways with your outcome in mind. Saying something in anger is understandable, but it's unlikely to get the results you want as well as communicating it without hurting the other person, would you agree? Name calling, criticisms, etc., just don't tend to get good results. So do you want to get in a good one, or do you want to get results? This is how you have to start thinking in your communication. Opening up and letting others know what's going on inside you will help. If you feel afraid to talk with your husband because of the response you might get, then gently let him know that. You could even say, "i'd like to share something with you, but i'm afraid i'll get criticized or get a quote, ...can you just listen this time?" or something like that. Think you can change some of the way you've been communicating now? Make it more positive? Listen more? Remember... you want positive results, right?

The last thing i would suggest concerns the blended family. I know it must have a lot of challenge in it. Kids start getting raised one way, and then have basically a new parent who does things a different way. This gets confusing and raises conflicts. I think it would help if you and your husband talk privately once in a while to get on the same page about how to raise ALL the kids with no distinctions... so that there are the same rules for everyone, and being given the same way by you and your husband as much as possible. Keep the rules simple and few. Discuss with your husband areas that you can make decisions with your step kids and ones where they need to ask their father. Gradually, as trust builds, you can gain back more influence, but for now, just try to seek agreement with your husband concerning the kids. And i do really think it's very important that the rules are consistent across the board!!!... meaning ALL the kids, and BOTH parents. If his kids have to ask him before going out and not you, then your kid has to ask you and not him, etc. Any imbalance will come back to bite, so really try to eliminate these inconsistencies. Be willing to bend on your kids too, so that you can find agreement and consistency for all. Second, everything that applies to your husband about listening and communicating, ALSO applies to his kids! You need to get some positive time with them, appreciate them, listen to what they are trying to communicate, and communicate what you feel and need from them, in a positive way. It will help foster their respect for you, so this is for you, too.

I know all this is asking a lot for you to change. But this is simply a matter of what is it going to take? Blame and fault finding and rationalizing why you're doing things the way you are now, simply will NOT solve the relationship problems. You will not be doing all the work of fixing these relationships, but you need to quit concerning yourself with how you want them to change and instead start focusing on what YOU can do and need to do to make this better. If you change, they will jump at the chance to change in a more positive way, trust me. They are probably just as unhappy with the way things have been and they want to get this into a better place too. And they DO want you to be happy... think of that as a treasure, because it is. Your husband wants you to be happy. You know what that is? That's love!

Can you see how these things fit together? Commitment to change -listening - communicating positively - appreciating others - same rules for everyone. Remember to focus your time, your words, your actions, everything... on where you wish to go and not where you've been. If a comment on your lips is a criticism, will it take you where you want to go? Well, it might, actually, depending on how it is said and how important it is. A random snipe won't get the results you want. It's just more negativity to shovel out. If you say, "THERE YOU GO AGAIN WITH THOSE STUPID QUOTES!!!" ...that probably wouldn't get positive results. If instead you put it, "You know so many quotes, but what i'd really like to know is what you think in your own words." ...that might get a very positive response. So as much as possible, try to think of the results your comments and actions are likely to give.

Start with yourself, and you'll never lose. As YOU step into the behavior and life you'd like your family to become, it will start to happen. If you find some time each day for enjoyment, that will help move things to where you wish to go. If you show love to your husband and all the kids, it will help bring peace and positive things in. Remember to focus on where you wish to go! Each comment, each action you do in any moment can either take you closer or further away from the life you want. Blame and criticism won't take you there. Even focusing too much on the problems won't take you there!!! Why? Because when you focus on the problems, you see the problems, and where you wish to go is not to the land of more problems and blame, but to where you are happy and your family is loving and warm and happy, right? This is sort of an application of the Law of Attraction. Yes, there will be things you need to address with your husband about the issues in your marriage, but if you are to get where you wish to go, it needs to be shifted towards those things that will be in your life when it is the way you wish. Positive communication. Having fun together. Listening. Communicating positively. A truly blended family, where everyone feels together and one, loving and loved.

Do you think these suggestions will help? What do you think? Are you going to try them?

Good luck. And remember your family does love you.

Holly, what a really well thought out and wonderful post! Thank you!

that is what is was saying to myself.. great post thanks. i will try i still feel out in myself with everything.. there is no compromise with my husband when it comes to his kids and no consistency which makes my kids feel off it si basically 3 families in one house.. i have talked to him about it he will discipline his way his kids no ifs ands or butss i have no say.. he doesnt want to hear from me about it.. i told him things need to be equal but he wont bend so i gave up on that. he still allows his 13 yr old to dictate and split us which frustrates me to no end, if it were my daughter she woulve been in her room thinking about what she did not allowed to go out after school at 215 and show up at curphenw time at 9 pm or just plain sleep over someones house and come home at 9pm the next night .. this is usually how fridays and weekends work out.. and my step daughter has till midnight to come home and sleeps out on weekends when ever she wants even last minute. so this is how he wants to parent his kids.. and yes they call there father and tell him, i like to see my kid face to face and check in personally then she can go off and do her thing. knowing what i know now i wish i never married him i dont like his parenting skills at all and lately i feel like growing old with him will be lonely.. he shows no interest in anything i do or watch and i am not into sports that is what he watches everyday of the week. i am frustrated today. i asked this questions to my coworkers the other day.. What do you see yourself doing with your partners or husbands when you get to the golden years? i cant see myself anymore with him we have nothing in common as we have aged a little with each other. i gotta go to work be back onlater to post. diana

I'm sorry you're going through this Diana. I hope you're doing okay. It is never easy when you come to the conclusion that there is no longer a point in the relationship, but, likely, that is the hardest part in your situation. Please don't think that it's too late for you. I know women who have started over at 60 and have wonderful active great lives.

I had many of the same thoughts as you when I got my divorce. How will things be with this man in my golden years. That told me all I needed to know.

(((((hugs)))))))

A thought to ponder: In the 50's "women" maintained the home -thats a 24/7 job... In 2008, "women" not only maintain the home 24/7 but also work outside the home (w/ or w/out kids)to provide income...which at one time was the "man's" job. When your "man" can't provide, you are caught up in doing his job too? So working two jobs mean't for two people...hmmmm Diane give yourself a break! What if you don't do all that you do? what if you don't worry about if/or when his daughter checks in? The responsibility can only be placed upon you, if you are willing to accept it. I'm not saying ignore the child, but let her deal with her Dad (make it his responsibility not yours -you have enough on your plate). I've been married - done the step-family thing- I'm a Mom (teenage boys of my own) and now I'm divorced. I read your blog and my heart breaks for you. I've been there - life is to short to be miserable. We have choices and God gives us one shot in this lifetime. I highly recommend counseling -regardless if he goes or not - weigh out your options - pray about it A LOT and see where you are 3mos/ 6 mos from now. Sometimes I think the woman/ mom instinct in us - just says put it on our plate and we will get it done sometime, which is were we get taken for granted. We must deligate for the household to run, besides its good life skills for our kids and HUSBAND.
We must take responsibility for our own life/ our own actions and teach our children the same. We are the setting the example by our relationships we choose for the future generations...
The golden years will come fast enough for all of us, one day at a time.

I agree 4fitness. I have a list that is kept on the fridge with chores for ALL to do, kids, husband and me. We all work and or go to school so we ALL must share the responsibilities at home too.

I remember back when I divorced I tried to look back and determine what was the big thing.. the main cause. One thought came to mind. "he made me the enemy".
When we are struggling with life and sometimes it seems everyone is out to get us, we need that haven to come home to. That place we feel safe. My husbands anger at the world came home. I started being the one he blamed for everything that went wrong in his life. He had made me the enemy.
We can not make our spouse the enemy. We must be a haven to each other. That old saying "It's you and me against the world", is somewhat true. When you change that thought to "it's me against you and the world." then nothing is going to work.

Diana, you and your husband are blaming each other. You have each made the other the enemy. There are also some control issues that need worked out.
Something in your post lead me to believe that you are too caught up in making everything run perfectly. Perhaps this is because he is so demanding, or maybe it is a demand you put on yourself. it doesn't matter, if you are going to enjoy life you have to turn loose of some of the responsibility you feel for everything. Stop worrying about the little things. So the garbage didn't get taken out.. so what? The thing is.. the world is not going to fall apart if something doesn't get done.
be kind to yourself, be kind to each other.

I've always had a problem with not thinking clearly when my own emotions are involved, so I learned this little trick. I tell myself.. if I had a friend in this situation what would I tell her. Step back and look at the situation as if it is happening to someone else, remove your emotions for just a moment and give yourself advice as if you were someone else.
What would you tell that friend? Would you be angry with her, or compassionate about her situation?
Then give yourself that advice and be as compassionate with yourself as you would that friend.
we do have to be our own best friend, and love ourselves as much as we are willing to love others.
It might also help to do the same thing from your husbands point of view. Think about how he is feeling. Imagine he is talking to a friend about that situation. What would you advise him to do?

Take Care of yourself Diane
Bylen

Bylen,

I could not have thought of any better suggestions/words than you did. Great and wise advice!

It just might work if both parites do the same and be honest about it all. If one tries and the other does not, then there is no going forward.

The time comes when one has to stop talking to others about their problems and talk with their mate.

This is imperative - to take care of yourself. Depression is not anything to take lightly. If not treated it can only become worse over time. I suffered from depression for years and when I finally got some help from the right doctor I saw for the first time in my adult life that there is a world of beauty around me and I found all the creativity and potential within myself.

If your husband cannot support you in this and does not understand exactly what you are going through, then he, too, needs some counseling and therapy. I did not have the support from my husband with depression (he would tell me to "just get over it!") and the only way I could heal was to leave the marriage. He is still stuck in the past, holding grudges and resentment from over 30 years ago.

hi all thanks for the posts well since last time i posted things have greatly calmed down but no changes on his part ti tried to be more romantic and caring and felt like he didnt care so i backed off. i also backed off of his kids and tried to deal with my 2 kids and what i want to instill in them and leave his 2 kids to him.. unfortunately he told me the other night he was filing for the divorce even though things are calm and quiet he also stated that it is not healthy for the kids to live like this. 2 separate familys living as 1, then he told me he would get a great rate when he goes to file for school loans for his daughter. and that the divorce should take 6-8 months to be finalized. We own a house together in which i sold my condo and put down the deposit with i told him i wasnt going to sell till i could pull out what was needed to be able to buy something else for me and my 2 kids to live in, in the same town and life style so if it took 2 years it takes 2 years.. i am in no rush. well he really didnt like that comment one bit. he came into the realtionship with me with nothing..... and thinks he will take everything i worked hard for and had help from my family to acheieve.. so the past few days have been hard.. work has been really hard people saying i said stuff and i didnt because there mad because i got someone into trouble and had to write them up kinda retalitation affect. so its stressfull there i am looking for a new job to get o ut of bad situation that i got myself into when i started this new job in july. bad career move.. my hours at worked have also dropped from like 7 hours to 3 hours a day and now my husband is telling me to get a 2nd job.. i work in a nursing home as a therapist and its the nature of the beast. he said he was goind to make sure that the judge ordered me to work more hours,,, which i dont think is fair and i dont quite know what he is trying to pull by doing so. he has also made my car payment late when i was paying bills and couldnt find my bill to pay and it mysterious turned up when i said something so my car payment was 2 weeks late.. he is just starting the play dirty... my ? for the day is what are the laws when it comes to spousal working if i can support my kids why do i have to work 2 jobs i dont understand

Hi Diana

I think that men tend to so a lot of very hurtful things when they do not like the ways things are going. I am not sure that he actually wants to work things out but sometimes once certain thing have been said there is no going back.

I do not know how things work where you are as not sure what country with regard to your rights etc. I would try to get advice from a lawyer so you know the best steps to take. i would contact the lawyers you bough the house through and get ledger printout etc showing where the money came from for the deposit ie your condo sale.

At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your kids but if you could go somewhere while matters are being sorted that would probably be best as you do not want your kids to see the bickering etc.

I have had a difficult time as well but things have got better recently as we did sit down and discuss things and some of it seems to have worked.

Can you not arrange for your car etc to come off direct from your bank account. It might be an idea if you are looking for another job to try and get one that would enable you to support yourself and your kids on your own.

Take care of yourself.

hi and thanks to the many replies eash draws stength and understaning and that i am not alone.. there is not bickering in the house its is quiet.. and although i do know its best to end the relationship it is very dificult i wish it could go smoother and not so emotional for the sake of my kids.. i dont like them to see me so upset and emotional.. i have spoken to attorneys and if we can write it up between us the divorce will be cheaper for both parties so i have been working on that with him.. all while trying to keep my motives clear as to what i want and need.

Diana;

Be very careful with a do it yourself divorce. it is an easy way for him to jip you out of what is due you.
Believe me, I know. I got no child support, and the money he was suppose to pay me for the house I never got.
Basically, after 23 years of marriage I walked away with squat.

When your emotions are so involved and you are so upset, you will have the tendancy to "just get it over with" and you may not be thinking long term. be sure to think about yourself a year from now.. 2 years from now.
I was very poor and struggled terribly after my divorce. I put my daughter through college alone on a meager pay. There were times we went hungry.
While we were struggling, he was making good money, living with a woman who was paying his utility bills and buying a new vehicle. Not one penny came to me or my daughter for college or support. The money he owed me for the house would have saved us a lot of hardship, but I got none of that either.
My husband was abusive and I was in survival mode when I left. Just wanted to get out without being harmed. So I said, Okay whatever, and read and signed the papers.
There are things you can't possibly think of right now that a lawyer can. Like in my case. My divorce papers said the house would be sold and the money split between us. Well, if the house is never sold he doesn't have to pay you a dime. There was no stipulation in the divorce that said he had to pay me that money regardless.
You can't possibly see the loop holes or what is ahead in your future. So please, be very careful. Make absolutly sure that you have everything covered, and don't settle for just what he writes up and has you sign.
I suggest a lawyer, yes, it is painful, and it does cost more, but believe me it will be less costly and less painful in the long run. Go through the pain you have to go through now, so that your pain will be less in the future.
You will be the one taking care of your children from this day forward. if you make a mistake on this divorce, they will suffer too.
This is not something to skrimp on.

Hugs
Bylen

thanks i know i am not signing anything till i see a lawyer and have everything i want. and need. as well as not signing anything on the house.. for me he could walk away from thehouse and that would be fine i will find a roommate to make ends meet.. but i know he wont he wants money out of the house as well. but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.. i am not eligible for alimony and we did agree upon child support payments etc . i can hopefully honestly say he wont do anyting to stupid and hurtful as i do have his son to care for but he just wants his fair share what ever that may be.

Sounds like your aware and thinking on your feet
Be aware though, the man you think you know, may be unrecognizable to you in a few months. The best way to really get to know a man is divorce him.
You're doing okay. I want you to remember something each step of the way. Millions of women have gone through this, and survived it. So will you. You are not alone.

Hugs
Bylen

Diana:

I see you have great support here, I wanted to weigh in on the subject, Over forty years ago my Mother divorced my father, that was not the worse thing, not even close, it was the resentment they had towards one another, and the anger she carried, and to this day still does.

My Mother did not take care of things,she did not take care of herself,she did not want the confrontation, and so she did not get a GOOD attorney,that is so important,secondly she found a man just like my dad,the next two men in her life did not treat her any better then he did,

Like the post above mentioned,many women have gone thru this and survived,it's how you take care of you in it, that determines you coming out angry and bitter,or being able to forgive and move on,I often think that people keep the anger around as a way to still be connected with the person that at one time loved.

I hope that you find the calm after the storm, I know you will,it's just beyond the pain.It's there for you though,it's just hard to see when your in the middle of it all! Bless You!

Bylen is correct, millions of women have survived divorce and not just survived but thrived. Going through it is awful, but once you're "through" it, it can be such a great journey. I know that sounds bad to many who email me that no one should divorce, but the fact is, many do, and for many of us in the end, it is the best thing for us.

i am currently ok with it all at times sad and i am trying to get out and just be with people since my husband does not want to be with me..and have fun.. because i found out without friends to help me ride out the storm i will be lost and more upset than i am. dont get me wrong it is hard and i am scared and hoping that things will work out for both of us and that we can get along after all is said and done and so far we are getting alone which makes things confusing and as far as i know he has not filed yet. why i dont know.. but i am in no rush.. we shall see.. i know he wants it and i do to a point just dont like the idea of being alone but i know i am truly not alone.. i just want to be able to provide a place to live for my kids without uprooting them and destroying their lives more than what it will be.. thanks everyone..

Hi Diana,

I'm glad to hear you are doing as best you can, looking at the positives in a darker situation. You do have a lot of good advice here and friends to bounce things off of.

These women and the posts I've read here, come with a lot of experience and wisdom to share support.

Stephanie, especially has a valid point when it comes to saving marriage that comes down to what exactly that will mean in the future.

I've personally known women who have stayed married and have that on the outside to commend but on the inside live an extrememly lonely, isolated and submissive life. Their lives completely snuffed out from under them, but they can say they stayed married.

I've known a man that demanded his wife of 10 years, leave her friend or he would divorse her, just to keep his house of control under wraps. I've personally had a husband that admitted to me, deep down, he was unhappy because whatever he did, it was never as positive as something I would do or be commended on. His words, "I feel like I'm riding on the back of your coat tails."

I believe in marriage we come together initially out of love and even if it should end there is still love. There are rough patches in any relationship, but, as one poster suggested, what would you tell a good friend or daughter that was going through this?

When something begins crushing the human spirit, it really makes you wonder why and wether or not the situation as a whole could be that much better without it.

________________________-

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
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If you suspect your spouse of cheating on you, you'll want to read this.
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Hi Diana

I see you have not been on recently so hope things are working out the way that you want them to. Always remember no matter what that you are a person and a happy life is what everyone deserves. I wish you well whatever happens.

When I am confused about things in my life sometimes go to a medium purely just for guidance and feel that this really does help me. I always remember one telling me that I am not like my mum as that is something that used to worry me.

Take care.

Skinnycow

HI Diana, i just wanted you to know that you're not alone. There is hope - let me share with you if i could.

I am on my 2nd marriage. Married the first time for 12 years - 3 kids - divorced for 10 years. Remarried 5 years ago to a good guy who had never been married -or had kids. It has been hard for him. When we got together the kids were accepting - and happy that i was happy - but as they've gotten older -its gotten harder. I almost feel like im in the middle - almost like my kids are jealous of him and he's jealous of the time i spend with them. The lessons i have learned.....as my kids reached teenage hood - it got worse - so i learned to step away from the situation. I learned to say no and mean it. I learned to not waver. It's harder for my husband because he's the odd man out. He often feels unappreciated and unwanted. It's one of the hardest things to feel a part of a family that was already together. We always do things as a family - but i also spend time with the kids alone - and he does too. The most important thing - we have to support each other. If i make a decision i have to stick with it - or else they walk all over us. There are times they tell him 'you're not my father i don't have to listen to you' - and ive tried to teach them respect. There are often hard feelings as my ex is in the picture also stirring the pot (he hates my husband and my husband doesn't think highly of him)

It's a work in progress but the kids can't suffer -but neither can you. We have our own issues we deal with on a day-to-day basis - on top of the kids issues....so its not easy. It's hard work - but i love my husbad and he loves me. WE have both said and done things we regret - but we've learned to listen and to hear each other. I've also been to counselling and it did help alot - but what worked most - both of us learning to argue....using our words - not being afraid of hearing the truth....