BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce how do you know if you should save your marriage

This is imperative - to take care of yourself. Depression is not anything to take lightly. If not treated it can only become worse over time. I suffered from depression for years and when I finally got some help from the right doctor I saw for the first time in my adult life that there is a world of beauty around me and I found all the creativity and potential within myself.

If your husband cannot support you in this and does not understand exactly what you are going through, then he, too, needs some counseling and therapy. I did not have the support from my husband with depression (he would tell me to "just get over it!") and the only way I could heal was to leave the marriage. He is still stuck in the past, holding grudges and resentment from over 30 years ago.

hi all thanks for the posts well since last time i posted things have greatly calmed down but no changes on his part ti tried to be more romantic and caring and felt like he didnt care so i backed off. i also backed off of his kids and tried to deal with my 2 kids and what i want to instill in them and leave his 2 kids to him.. unfortunately he told me the other night he was filing for the divorce even though things are calm and quiet he also stated that it is not healthy for the kids to live like this. 2 separate familys living as 1, then he told me he would get a great rate when he goes to file for school loans for his daughter. and that the divorce should take 6-8 months to be finalized. We own a house together in which i sold my condo and put down the deposit with i told him i wasnt going to sell till i could pull out what was needed to be able to buy something else for me and my 2 kids to live in, in the same town and life style so if it took 2 years it takes 2 years.. i am in no rush. well he really didnt like that comment one bit. he came into the realtionship with me with nothing..... and thinks he will take everything i worked hard for and had help from my family to acheieve.. so the past few days have been hard.. work has been really hard people saying i said stuff and i didnt because there mad because i got someone into trouble and had to write them up kinda retalitation affect. so its stressfull there i am looking for a new job to get o ut of bad situation that i got myself into when i started this new job in july. bad career move.. my hours at worked have also dropped from like 7 hours to 3 hours a day and now my husband is telling me to get a 2nd job.. i work in a nursing home as a therapist and its the nature of the beast. he said he was goind to make sure that the judge ordered me to work more hours,,, which i dont think is fair and i dont quite know what he is trying to pull by doing so. he has also made my car payment late when i was paying bills and couldnt find my bill to pay and it mysterious turned up when i said something so my car payment was 2 weeks late.. he is just starting the play dirty... my ? for the day is what are the laws when it comes to spousal working if i can support my kids why do i have to work 2 jobs i dont understand

Hi Diana

I think that men tend to so a lot of very hurtful things when they do not like the ways things are going. I am not sure that he actually wants to work things out but sometimes once certain thing have been said there is no going back.

I do not know how things work where you are as not sure what country with regard to your rights etc. I would try to get advice from a lawyer so you know the best steps to take. i would contact the lawyers you bough the house through and get ledger printout etc showing where the money came from for the deposit ie your condo sale.

At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your kids but if you could go somewhere while matters are being sorted that would probably be best as you do not want your kids to see the bickering etc.

I have had a difficult time as well but things have got better recently as we did sit down and discuss things and some of it seems to have worked.

Can you not arrange for your car etc to come off direct from your bank account. It might be an idea if you are looking for another job to try and get one that would enable you to support yourself and your kids on your own.

Take care of yourself.

hi and thanks to the many replies eash draws stength and understaning and that i am not alone.. there is not bickering in the house its is quiet.. and although i do know its best to end the relationship it is very dificult i wish it could go smoother and not so emotional for the sake of my kids.. i dont like them to see me so upset and emotional.. i have spoken to attorneys and if we can write it up between us the divorce will be cheaper for both parties so i have been working on that with him.. all while trying to keep my motives clear as to what i want and need.

Diana;

Be very careful with a do it yourself divorce. it is an easy way for him to jip you out of what is due you.
Believe me, I know. I got no child support, and the money he was suppose to pay me for the house I never got.
Basically, after 23 years of marriage I walked away with squat.

When your emotions are so involved and you are so upset, you will have the tendancy to "just get it over with" and you may not be thinking long term. be sure to think about yourself a year from now.. 2 years from now.
I was very poor and struggled terribly after my divorce. I put my daughter through college alone on a meager pay. There were times we went hungry.
While we were struggling, he was making good money, living with a woman who was paying his utility bills and buying a new vehicle. Not one penny came to me or my daughter for college or support. The money he owed me for the house would have saved us a lot of hardship, but I got none of that either.
My husband was abusive and I was in survival mode when I left. Just wanted to get out without being harmed. So I said, Okay whatever, and read and signed the papers.
There are things you can't possibly think of right now that a lawyer can. Like in my case. My divorce papers said the house would be sold and the money split between us. Well, if the house is never sold he doesn't have to pay you a dime. There was no stipulation in the divorce that said he had to pay me that money regardless.
You can't possibly see the loop holes or what is ahead in your future. So please, be very careful. Make absolutly sure that you have everything covered, and don't settle for just what he writes up and has you sign.
I suggest a lawyer, yes, it is painful, and it does cost more, but believe me it will be less costly and less painful in the long run. Go through the pain you have to go through now, so that your pain will be less in the future.
You will be the one taking care of your children from this day forward. if you make a mistake on this divorce, they will suffer too.
This is not something to skrimp on.

Hugs
Bylen

thanks i know i am not signing anything till i see a lawyer and have everything i want. and need. as well as not signing anything on the house.. for me he could walk away from thehouse and that would be fine i will find a roommate to make ends meet.. but i know he wont he wants money out of the house as well. but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.. i am not eligible for alimony and we did agree upon child support payments etc . i can hopefully honestly say he wont do anyting to stupid and hurtful as i do have his son to care for but he just wants his fair share what ever that may be.

Sounds like your aware and thinking on your feet
Be aware though, the man you think you know, may be unrecognizable to you in a few months. The best way to really get to know a man is divorce him.
You're doing okay. I want you to remember something each step of the way. Millions of women have gone through this, and survived it. So will you. You are not alone.

Hugs
Bylen

Diana:

I see you have great support here, I wanted to weigh in on the subject, Over forty years ago my Mother divorced my father, that was not the worse thing, not even close, it was the resentment they had towards one another, and the anger she carried, and to this day still does.

My Mother did not take care of things,she did not take care of herself,she did not want the confrontation, and so she did not get a GOOD attorney,that is so important,secondly she found a man just like my dad,the next two men in her life did not treat her any better then he did,

Like the post above mentioned,many women have gone thru this and survived,it's how you take care of you in it, that determines you coming out angry and bitter,or being able to forgive and move on,I often think that people keep the anger around as a way to still be connected with the person that at one time loved.

I hope that you find the calm after the storm, I know you will,it's just beyond the pain.It's there for you though,it's just hard to see when your in the middle of it all! Bless You!

Bylen is correct, millions of women have survived divorce and not just survived but thrived. Going through it is awful, but once you're "through" it, it can be such a great journey. I know that sounds bad to many who email me that no one should divorce, but the fact is, many do, and for many of us in the end, it is the best thing for us.

i am currently ok with it all at times sad and i am trying to get out and just be with people since my husband does not want to be with me..and have fun.. because i found out without friends to help me ride out the storm i will be lost and more upset than i am. dont get me wrong it is hard and i am scared and hoping that things will work out for both of us and that we can get along after all is said and done and so far we are getting alone which makes things confusing and as far as i know he has not filed yet. why i dont know.. but i am in no rush.. we shall see.. i know he wants it and i do to a point just dont like the idea of being alone but i know i am truly not alone.. i just want to be able to provide a place to live for my kids without uprooting them and destroying their lives more than what it will be.. thanks everyone..