BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce What are your divorce issues?

When I got a divorce in 1999, my biggest issue was money. While I did get child support and some alimony, I also got stuck with 50 percent of the bills that were created on four times then income I was now bringing in. Between my job, child support and alimony I was bringing in in 1/4 of what I was used to being able to budget on my family and that was not the entire income, it was just what I was allowed to budget.

In addition to money was that I had to work, so I had to find child care. As a former stay at home mom this was really hard on me and the children. Probably harder on me than the children, but hard nonetheless.

What were/are your hardest issues to deal with and wrap your mind around with your divorce?

Hi Stephanie
My biggest issue is dealing with the demands and expectationsof my ex. He constantly demands me to change my schedule to accomodate his, or to drive the kids to places so that he doesnt have to drive or pick them up.
I find that about once a month or so I have to have a conversation with him, reminding him that I am not his employee and no longer his wife. I do not ask him for favors or money or anything...in fact if I was dying I don't think I'd ask him for a lift to the hospital...and I resent that he feels free to ask whatever he wants of me.
I've learned to say no, and now I need to stop getting angry or irritated when he makes a "request".
Good topic!

Hi terri,

Yes, it would be a good idea to let it go after you say no. My ex and I used to have that issue, that if I asked for something, and he said no, HE would get really mad about it. I never did, so it was hard for me to understand. He no longer does that, so we get a long a lot better.

One thing I make sure I do is that when I say no to something I have a real reason. I told him to do that too, make sure you're saying no because you have a reason and not just because you don't want to say yes, to me. Once we did that, things got a lot better.

I learned and he learned that even when you don't especially "like" each other, we are all human with our own lives. Sometimes some people have to be taught how to treat you. If he's taking advantage, and you start finally standing up for yourself, it can be hard, sometimes you may have to feel angry to be able to stand your ground. KWIM? If it helps go with it, but realize that you shouldn't show him the anger, just experience it privately

I think it can be especially hard to say no when it comes to our kids, we don't want to make them do without something but sometimes we just have to in order that we aren't resentful until the other parent steps up.

I'd be out of luck for my ex to drive the kids anyplace as he doesn't live here but I really doubt he'd do it even if he did live here, to be honest. lol

I hear what you're saying about having a reason when you say no, but you know what? Sometimes I think it's ok to say no to something "just because". Like most women I was raised to be a good girl and a people pleaser, going out of my way to make others happy because that's what good girls do. Guess what. I've outgrown the need to please everyone around me and I have the right to say no to doing something just because I don't feel like doing it. I don't say no in an angry way,,I just say no unless he can come up with a really good reason for me to say yes, and present his side of it in a civilized manner without his "CEO" attitude. And the ability to say no doesnt just apply to the ex, it applies in all facets of my life where I am trying to be true to myself and honor myself.

Yes, women definitely need to learn the N. O. word and use it more often.

What a nice site Stephanie!

I found it surfing, and it's so full of helpful information. We have a website too, on divorce. If you get a chance stop by Divorce Recovery Suite

Warm regards,

B

Beatrice, welcome to the forum, hope you enjoy your stay
"Rosie"

What are some things everyone has learned to say no to since getting a divorce?

Do you get alimony if you don't have kids? Do you have to be married for ten years? I don't know how this works. I do know Dan says I can have everything.

Jilly.....You have to check with your state to see how long you need to be married before you qualify for alimony. It has nothing to do with you having kids or not. I did not have kids with my husband but we had it in an agreement that he would give me a small amount of alimony, an amount that I chose.

According to my state I was entitled to half of the marriage in alimony.....married 16 yrs so I got 8 yrs of alimony. Not sure how each state qualifies you for alimony....whether it is the number of years married, based on incomes, etc. If you have a lawyer they can tell you, or just look it up online for your state.

The biggest issue that came out of my divorce was and still is financial. I am in debt and without a job, barely able to pay my bills and keep my animals going, even with the small amount of alimony I get every month. I have sold off personal items just to keep afloat while looking for work in my transition period, but I have run out of things to sell. I have no medical insurance either, so I have to pay out of pocket for my doctor's visits, which have been every 6 months because of various issues.

The other issues stemming from my divorce are mostly emotional. I am devastated to be rejected by the man I considered my soulmate and whom I loved and supported for 19 years. I have been betrayed by him because he is with another woman now, happily married just one year after our divorce. I have been displaced in many ways....losing my husband and best friend, my home, my financial security, and for a while my dogs until he gave them to me finally, 10 months after the divorce.

I am lost and trying to find the true me again. At this point I don't know where I belong and I have battled depression for the past year over this divorce. I do not have contact with my ex-husband unless absolutely necessary, and that is pretty much never. Even with no contact I still can't get him out of my mind. He was the biggest part of my life for so long and I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I won't be growing old with him, won't have the intelligent and thought-provoking conversations with him anymore, won't share laughs with him, and won't have the financial future he promised me after he went through eight years of school while I had to take vacations without him.

Two years after he said he wanted a divorce and moved out of our home to get away from me, I still feel intense pain. All I can do is take one day at a time and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is not easy.

Cassie, thank you - I am looking into AZ alimony law right now.

AZ alimony law

I don't know about this, really. I guess when you start filling out divorce forms this kind of stuff automatically comes up then?

Jilly.....how is everything going with your divorce proceedings?