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Joined: Jul 2008
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We just miscarried about two weeks ago. My husband was very distant as it happened and shortly thereafter. I could not get any emotion other than anger and we yelled at each other the week following our miscarriage. He seems to feel like i didn't keep him informed, he was with me for two of the four doctor visits. He says he didn't know it was happening and when i did tell him the results of the last blood test and that we had lost the baby (dr called me at work and told me over the phone!), he felt like i moved on and was fine. Truth is I was staying strong for him, he is needy. I felt like i couldn't fall apart because what would happen to him. Finally all blew up yesterday and we are getting along better today. I feel resentment towards him for not being more comforting while i was physically going through this. We lost the baby at about 5-6 weeks, and i feel like i am ready to move on and ttc again. He isn't sure if he ever wants to. I am confused, hurt and lost. Please help.

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Parakeet
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You both need some time. Two weeks is much too short a time to absorb what has happened to you and to move on. Be gentle with each other and try to let the past pain settle for a while. It will, but not right away.

Joined: Sep 2005
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I think sometimes husbands do this because they are so disconnected during the pregnancy process. Many men are to some degree jealous of their wives because they do not get to experience this miracle.

Then when something goes wrong, they want to blame somebody and for some crazy reason the mother often gets that blame, because she was the only one to have actual contact with the baby.

Grief can cause a type of temporary insanity. I'm not saying this to be funny, but as a literal stastement, especially for men. They have no idea what to do with their strong emotions - espcially ones like grief, because they are so often brought up to "be strong".

I know I am always touting counseling on here, but that is because it helps so often. Just having a 3rd person who is not emotionally invested to listen to you and help "organize" your thoughts can be extrememly helpful. These counselors often do not give you answers, but help you find the ones that you would come up with on your own- just more quickly and with less trial and error and pain.

I am sorry for both of your pain. This is not an easy time to go through for anyone, and it would be better if you could talk with your husband and find a way to support each other through this rather than grow apart.

Many hugs,
michelle


Michelle Taylor
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Thanks so much. You guys have helped me realize that i may be disconnecting myself and trying to move too quickly. He speaks before he thinks, and i panicked when he said he may not ever want to try again. I know he was probably just speaking emotionally and not with a lot of thought. Today has been better. thank you!

Joined: Aug 2008
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My husband didn't even want to try again after I suffered two... he was very hurt by my suffering, besides his own.



Moderated by  Christine - Miscarriage 

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