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deps Offline OP
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Hi,

I recently got married and till now I thought that it is a wonderful relationship. A few weeks back I saw some swimsuit magazines in my husband's bookshelf. I took i casually and we both joked about it. I am not too religious and consider myself quite open minded.

Two days ago, I came across some porn magazines in his desk. I threw them in the trash, he went and picked them up ,knowing very well how it hurt me. Those magazines are still lying on the book shelf though he told me you would discard them. I guess it didnt stop there. I was in for more horrors. He's also into cybersex.He spends late hours in front of his computer and tells me it's work! today, i saw and deleted hard porn clips, some of which were fantasized rape scenes. I have never been exposed to porn, this has completely shattered me. i just cant stop my tears.What is wrong with him. We havent consummated
our marriage, its been almost six months now. doesnt this have
anything to do with his addiction. what hurts me the most is that he has been watching porn online almost everyday, even after our marriage. what should I do? He says its normal, but something inside me breaks everytime he doesnt it.
now i find it very hard to trust him though i love him a lot.

a broken wife

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Let me start by saying I hate porn, and my husband never watches it. The one time we did, we did so together, and ended up not even watching it because we were so busy!

Now what worries me the most about what you wrote was that you said after six months you have not consummated your marriage. It is not as though your husband is using porn along with your sex to excite himself. He is completely ignoring you and getting all of his sexual happiness from his porn. This needs to end. It is definitely a negative and hurting your marriage.

My husband gets his happiness first and foremost from me. Sometimes when we are bored or need a little push we will go outside of our box. I will wear cute lingerie, or we will have sex in a part of the house we normally don't or at a different time of the day than normal. It gives a little variance and makes it a little more exciting than the regular before-bed-sex. But if your husband can't come to you at all, there is a problem.

I hate marriage counseling as much as anybody else, but I would really recommend it in your case.


Sarah Fierro
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I forgot to add that your husband is wrong.......watching porn as much as he does and not coming to you for sexual satisfactino is NOT NORMAL. He is making excuses for his mistake.


Sarah Fierro
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Watching porn as much as your husband does and not consummating your marriage is NOT NORMAL as Sarah says.Using porn as the only means to sexual satisfaction is not healthy or normal.

Soft porn, (not outright brutish or exaggerated sex movies), sometimes excites the imagination and normally, the husband will be thinking of his wife and the wife, her husband. Anything that arouses the sexual senses for loving couples will send them to the source of their desire-their own spouse.

The kind of soft porn to which I am referring are movies such as "Body Heat" or "Unfaithful" or any movie rated R. That's normal and the scenes are arousing for some couples.

Rape scenes are not normal in any way and that is a danger signal.

You need to have a talk with your husband and then seek counseling, if only for yourself.

Let me repeat what I said: Rape scenes are not normal and are a danger signal.

Last edited by kristen houghton; 08/22/08 07:48 AM.

"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

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deps Offline OP
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hi, thanks for your response.
we did have a talk but its not doing any good. He lied that he wouldnt but still watches web porn. I want to help him but dont know what to do. There are intimacy issues here, does watching porn have anything to do with his incapability to be intimate with me?

I dont want to leave him but this is hurting a lot and I have no idea where this relationship is heading to. He checks out other women and I understand that is normal for men but sometimes makes comments which embarrasses me to the core. I feel disgusted.

I dont know what to do , this is something I cant talk to anyone about...

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HI,
Please listen to the suggestions & advice that Kristen & Sarah gave you. I do believe that all of the porn he is viewing is affecting the lack of intimacy with you. You can't help him. He has to see that he has a big problem & he has to want to get help for it. You have to ask yourself if you want to stay with someone who prefers porn to a complete relationship with you. Alot of men & women do notice attractive people.

It is 1 thing to look briefly & but he is making comments that are embarassing to you.He probably is making disguting comments. The other women probably hear him too. Well, in order to get help for yourself, you will have to talk to someone. A professional would be the best way to start. I don't know if there are any support groups for this problem.

Do you ever ask yourself why he wanted to marry you, since he is into all of this? You are together 6 months & this is what he is doing on his free time + the marriage is not cosumated? I would tell him that either he goes for help with you, or you can get the marriage annulled. I would not be patient about this at all.

Kristen is right, rape scenes are not normal & it is a dangerous warning signal. I wish you the very best of luck. You really should talk to a therapist for yourself. He will do what he wants to do. But if you keep putting up with this, nothing will change. How would he like it if that was all you wanted to do? Take care & please consider what all of us have said to you. Judy K. Chicago.

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You know Deps, when a male makes disgusting comments about other women in your hearing, it is a sure sign that he is so very unsure about his own masculinity. Rapists are like that. I don't say this lightly.

First of all checking women out while he is with you is bad enough. But to comment? Unbelievably low.

This guy is a loser. Get counseling for yourself and get out before you lose any more self-esteem.


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

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