BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Why am I upset that my ex is dating?

It is my feelings that when the ex moves on and gets married then
the divorce or break up just seems so final. It is easy to tell yourself that you are no longer in love with the ex but deep down there are still some feelings of love. You may not be in love with the ex but you still have love for him or her and in some cases when you first get separated, there may still be a chance to work things out and get back together.

Once the divorce comes through then it will be a little harder to work things out and it may seem like there is no chance but there is still is the glimmer of hope. Then when the ex gets married, that is when the finality(is that even a word?) really sets in. I know when my girlfriend left me for what she thought was greener pastures, there was still a hope that we would get back together and when I found out that she was married, I was crushed all over again and it took me a long time, a very long time to get over it.

Another reason and I believe this was mentioned already, is that you were hurt so much when you broke up and got divorced that you are having a hard time with the ex finally being happy when you feel that he/she doesn't deserve it.

I spent a lot of time being unhappy and beating myself up wondering if it was my fault that we broke up and she moved on and beat myself up even more when she got married. Don't do that to yourself. Be happy for the ex and more importantly be happy with yourself. You owe it to you and you owe it to the kids, if there are kids involved. If the kids see that you are upset, then they may grow up being upset with your ex as well and that is going to cause a whole other set of problems.

Thanks Vance. I can see how the ex moving on does make everything final. The only thing I would say again is that I have never wished for my ex anything but happiness. I said previously that I want my kids to see happy parents and I believe that we all deserve happiness. The ex and I went to counseling for the three years that we were separated, and a lot of the anger/guilt issues were dealt with then.
"Moving on" happens in small, slow increments, and sometimes a step that I or the ex makes triggers unexpected reactions, as in this situation. I'm good now, and thanks so much for your response.
Terry

Terry,

One thing you said about sometimes a step or action triggers an unexpected reaction is so true!

I have SOOO moved on past my ex husband, however, rather recently I found out they took a vacation that he and I had planned for years, and years, he took it with her, but with me we just never had time. It actually really bothered me.

It just seemed that he is living the exact same life with her that we planned and my life is so completely different from that life. It's like she's me, only younger without kids, and it's just strange how that affected me.

I don't think it means I haven't moved on, or I wish him ill, but it just means I need to work on myself more maybe.