Hello all. I woke up a little grouchy today, and feel like venting.
I am taking some online courses in medical transcription. I am not working and it is taking me a lot longer to finish than I thought it would. So, I have that guilt every day about how I am not contributing to our finances and that feeling of...hmmm...worthlessness I guess...that you get when you are not working. Every day I try to think of the fact that I AM in school. Maybe not the "regular" school some automatically think of, but it IS school and I am trying to progress myself in some way. My fiance is able to support us finacially, for which I know how lucky I am and very greatfull for that, but any other support from him is nonexistant.
Not one time has he come home and asked how MY day was, or what I learned, or how I am doing. The only thing he has ever said to me about my school is wanting to know how much longer I have so he can look for a new job. I understand he hates his job, and I don't blame him for that one bit. I would hate it too doing what he is doing. But when he was in school I did everything I possibly could to support him in every way I knew how. I worked my butt off at a [censored] job to try and keep up with the bills, I helped him study all the time, I took it upon myself to do all the house work so he could concentrate on his studies, I listened to him when he had a rough day, and I showed him my appreciation for what he was doing for us.
Is it too much to ask for just a little bit of the same? Any time I try to talk about school, or my fears of not doing well, or having a hard day, basically his response is "oh, yea? Sorry baby" then back to watching TV. I still do all the house work with no help from him. And I don't feel like I can say anything about it because I am not working! How easily a man can get used to having all that done for him.
I don't want to peg all men as being the same, and I know that men are just different from women. But why is it so hard for some to look outside of their tunnel vision and see that things are not always about them and what they want?
I know. I should talk to him, I know! Sometimes I just wait for him to say something, because I am ready to go (!) and let him know how I am feeling. Then, of course, he never does. I have a hard time just bringing something up just out of the blue. And a lot of the time he comes home from working 12 hours and I just don't want to make his day worse.
Anyway, I feel a tad better now. I will just keep plugging away with school. I know I will be done some day and can be rid of this self-inflicting guilt. Thank you all for letting me vent for the day!