Good article Kelli.

It is a very tricky issue to try to unravel from a third party perspective, and I'm sorry that you're in a position where you may not be sure if your husband is telling you the truth due to another person's accusations. That's a heavy load to place on a marriage.

I just wanted to mention two possibilities, but I am in no way saying this is the way it is with your SD.

You mentioned that the accusations are only given when things don't go her way.

The first possibility is that it is pure malice and blackmail. It is her word against his and it works to get her the results she wants.

The second possibility is that it is true or partially true, but she is trying in some way to get over it. So, when things are happy and good she is able to put it out of her mind. When she is under stress, it could be a release for her to dig into what is now her bag of ammunition. This could be a result of therapy - once a person gets over that first hurdle of speaking about abuse, it becomes much easier to talk about it - and it does pop out suddenly in unexpected situations.

But as Kelli says in her article, it is much easier to say it to an uninvolved person than it is to have a confrontation with the abuser.

Wow! I cant tell you how much I appreciate the response I recieved. You ladies are very informative. I am now using this knowledge and looking at it from other prospectives other than through my hurting. Again Thankyou!!!

You're very welcome, I'm so glad it helped.

Hi there, just an update from how life is treating us. After writing my post, and recieving all the wonderful help, I feel much better. We are not in contact at all with stepdaughter any longer. My husband once and for all decided that she only wants to be distuctive. There is no reason to allow any person into our lives that we need to feel guarded and threatened by. I have chosen to put this attack behind me and not take it personally. I know now I represented a threat to her. I came between her and her dads money. Thats it in a nutshell. Pretty sad what money does to some people. She used all the vile amumition to get me to run, just as she did in the past. This time it didnt work. This is a grown woman I am talking about. The sad part is , I was very good to her, and thought we had a future. This may seem brutal to some of you, but the damage this woman did is unforgivable. She tried to destroy our lives. And life is wonderful, peaceful and loving. Thankyou for listening.

I'm glad to hear that everything is settling down for you folks. Thank you for trusting us to listen.

WOW, I'm so sorry your going through this.

Let me say that in the comments I am about to make, I am NOT commenting on your husband because I don't know him.

I have heard that when children are abused, they do not necessarily FLEE the person who abused them. I have a friend who was sexually abused by her Father. She never dealt with it in fact didn't even remember it until I told her I had to type up a police report about her Father in my job as a police dispatcher. He had been arrested for sexually abusing a child in a larger town near us. She passed this information on to her Mother who later told me that she felt he had done this to my friend AND that over the years another child had come to her to say that he had done the same thing to her. She left him immediately. He had been a minister and had access to ALOT of children over the years.

This friend came to me a couple times that summer to talk about it and then later never remembered the conversations. To this day 20 years later she has no memory of these details. She allows her Father into her home, around her own children as if nothing happened. She even asked me to come down and bring my daughter with me to visit him when he was in town. I wanted to say something but I just declined the offer.

Its very posible that your stepdaughter was abused but by someone else. She sounds sort of boarderline personality disorder in the way you describe her and sexual abuse as a child can preciptate this disorder. That doesn't mean your husband was the one who did it however. It could have been anyone, another family member, a neighbor, a teacher. He could feel quilty that he wasn't there to stop it as any parent would in wanting to protect their child.

The reality is however, she is a grown woman and as such is responsible for her own mental health. I think its a good idea to give people like this boundaries and tell them, get some help, or you can't be part of my life, I will join you in a session if you need but I will not have you tearing apart my life in this destructive fashion.

People who are mentally ill often don't have boundaries, they don't understand that they have gone too far AND they have little or no insight into how out of control and innappropriate their behavior is.

It would be insightful to understand what her relationship is like with her Mother and any other men in her life. If she has been sexually abused, its likely she isn't able to sustain a sexual relationship with a man since it sounds like she hasn't gotten help for the abuse.

It sounds like you two made the best decision you could, for your own safety and health.

I just wanted to vent...lol. Its been a long time since I had to think about stepdaughter since she is totally out of our lives. She is now supposedly getting married and is trying to contact my husband. The hypocrasy is just amazing me. She must need a big check and her dream to have Dad walk her down the aisle. Im so happy my husband is strong enough to protect himself. What a sick little cookie.